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5
Hazel had had a busy week. They’d had a lot of rain in the last two days, which meant a couple of the horses had frolicked in the muddy paddocks, having a grand old time, giving them a bit of extra work with more bathing required and more time-consuming grooming. But she couldn’t begrudge them their fun; her horses were happy and that in turn made her happy.
Hazel cleaned her teeth and then pulled on her beige jodhpurs along with a navy T-shirt and a pair of socks. She brushed her hair and tied it into its customary low plait that started at the nape of her neck and finished at her waist. She was in her bedroom at Heritage View House and Saturday was always the morning Arnold got up and dealt with the start of the day tasks, helped by their stable hand, while she had an extra hour to herself – she repeated the favour on a Sunday morning – and after a cooked breakfast consisting of eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, and toast, as well as an accompanying mug of tea, she’d come up to get ready before heading to the stables to take her horse Cinnamon out on a long ride through the countryside.
Cinnamon had been Hazel’s thirtieth birthday present and when he arrived, he was broken but only just beginning training, so he wasn’t quite used to following commands. Hazel and her dad had worked hard with him, and Hazel had of course been in love with the chestnut roan gelding from the start. He had an even temperament and a funny habit of being inquisitive when they were out on a hack. It seemed he wanted to know about everything, whether it was a passer-by or another rider or something lying on the ground. Cinnamon was a beauty, too, with a smooth coat and tail that in the right light had a wonderful reddish colour.
As Hazel came downstairs, her heart sank a little as James peered in from the other side of the glass. She opened the door and, despite her frustration, she adopted a smile. ‘Welcome back.’ He’d been so good to her. She should appreciate him checking in on her, even if it was unannounced, but instead she was frustrated. She knew he was trying to find solutions for her, but they usually involved taking a further step away from the riding school, and that was the opposite of what she wanted. ‘How was London?’ she asked him, avoiding a more serious conversation, as she led the way into the kitchen. He knew she tended to go out the back way after she got everything she needed.
‘Great. I stayed on a bit longer and had a few drinks last night but came back on the last train. Thought I’d take you for lunch as it’s your day off.’
‘Morning off,’ she corrected him. It was never the entire day, he knew that.
She ducked into the utility room and found the riding hat she wanted from its hook and her boots as well as a body protector and hi-vis vest. The room was full of all their extra gear – boots, jackets, hi-vis vests, body protectors, extra hats, waterproofs. Thankfully it was an enormous space – it needed to be, because it also housed a washing machine and tumble dryer as well as two airers, which they used constantly because neither of them had time to keep hanging out washing or bringing it in. Inevitably any washing stayed in position on the airers for days until another load went in and they needed to take things upstairs to make space. A business as well as a household to run was demanding, and they weren’t quite on top of it, but Hazel didn’t stress about it. If the stables were operational and they were making money, that was the main focus. Dirty clothes, or indeed clean ones, could always wait.
‘So… lunch?’ he asked again. ‘An early one, then you can get back to work.’
By the back door, she pushed one foot into its waiting boot and then stood on one leg to do the other. ‘It’s really kind of you, James, but we’ve got a new arrival today so it’s going to be even busier than usual.’
‘It’s a full house?’
‘At last,’ she smiled. He knew how keen they’d been to fill the last available spot at the stables.
‘You know you could take on more help here.’
‘No need.’
‘I doubt Arnold would agree with you.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘You’re not teaching much, you could get someone in to at least do that.’
‘It’s an option.’ She just didn’t want to do it. She saw it as admitting defeat. If she gave in and got another teacher, she might never get back to the riding instructor she’d once been.
‘A valid option,’ James urged. She’d heard the suggestion from him before, more than once. ‘Then we could spend some time together. I know you wanted space and I’ve given you that, but don’t you want to get back to normal?’
‘I’m not sure it’s that easy.’ She’d never said that to him before and she wasn’t even sure what she meant by the words that were out before she could really think about what she was saying. All Hazel knew was that she didn’t know what normal was. Normal would’ve been her accepting Abigail as a riding pupil, saying of course she’d teach her. Normal would’ve been not contradicting herself and looking totally unprofessional when one minute she’d told Gus she could teach him, giving him a list of times and days she was available, and the next she’d advised him that he’d have to ask Arnold about lessons for Abigail. It made her look as though she was hiding something, which of course she was. She didn’t want other people to know how she feared teaching so much sometimes that she wanted to crawl up to her bed, pull the duvet over her head, and sleep the worries away.
James stepped closer. ‘It can be that easy if you stop fighting it.’
The way he wrapped his arms around her told her he assumed she was struggling with how to put things between them back to normal. But that felt like the least of her worries. Most of Hazel’s doubts were concerned with the stables and how she was going to get back to the person she’d once been, full of enthusiasm and confidence in her own abilities. Unless you had a physical injury that he could see, James was the type of person who assumed there wasn’t a real problem. He didn’t believe in stress, thought it an excuse for people to take time off and be lazy. He wasn’t totally lacking heart, she wouldn’t have stayed with him for so long if he was, but he had always had trouble seeing the bigger picture. And Hazel had done her best to explain her feelings to him before. She’d told him her fears, her worries, and he’d done the same as he was doing now, he’d come closer and pulled her to him, told her it was all going to be fine and that he’d support her whatever happened. It wasn’t bad for him to do those things, but none of it helped when he wasn’t listening to her.
James chanced a kiss on her lips, lightly. ‘I’m all in if that’s what you want, you know I am.’ He kissed her one more time. ‘Think about it.’
He might not get it, not properly, but he’d always been there as a shoulder to cry on, urging her to take care of herself and admit she needed help. She just knew he didn’t see what a mess she was emotionally. And perhaps that was what he chose, perhaps he thought it the best approach.
Hazel picked up her riding hat, body protector, and hi-vis and as James left her to it, she headed first to the office to replace the lessons booking folder that she’d been looking at last night to try to find a slot to fit in Gus’s daughter. Arnold had watched her searching in vain for a space when he came into the kitchen.
Tiredness in his voice, he said, ‘Told you, I’m fully booked, turning down requests left, right, and centre.’
She’d been about to say she was sure it wasn’t left, right, and centre, but sensing his tone, she kept quiet. ‘Are you sure there isn’t any availability?’
‘There’s plenty, if you teach. Our business relies on teaching younger riders, they make up the bulk of our clientele. You know that. It’s not feasible long-term to only teach older riders or those who can already ride.’
She blew out her cheeks. ‘We’ve been through this. I know I need to sort myself out. And I will. I’m just… I’m not ready.’
He sat opposite her then, dinner long since finished and the dishwasher chugging away. ‘So get ready, Hazel. Go talk to someone about it, I don’t care who, but business is going to suffer if we’re not careful. What would happen if I was injured one day and couldn’t teach?’
