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Her brow creased in confusion. ‘What do you mean, James will persuade me I’m helpless?’ The question reminded her of Gus’s kindness, his belief in her and that she’d done everything right for Cinnamon when he was hurt. Gus had a faith in her that James didn’t seem to have, despite the years they’d known one another.
‘Nothing.’ He found the ice-cream and the scoop and dropped them on the table. ‘I shouldn’t have said it.’
‘You shouldn’t, but you did. Do you think James makes me feel like I can’t get back to how I was before?’
‘Hey, I never said that.’
He hadn’t, but now she thought it herself. ‘Do you think he’s holding me back?’
Arnold looked to be considering his words carefully. ‘He’s always been there for you, I can’t deny that, but I don’t think he sees how important it is for you to overcome your fears. I think he’s helping by providing practical solutions like taking on help, which might well be sound business answers, but he doesn’t necessarily factor in what you really want.’ He shrugged. ‘This place, full time, doing everything you once did. That’s what you want.’
Arnold had inherited the same patience and understanding as their dad, who was level-headed even under the most trying circumstances. And now Arnold, who had spent very little time with her ex, had summed up exactly the way James was. He wasn’t unsupportive, he wasn’t absent, he just didn’t get it. And Hazel had to wonder if he ever would.
‘I do want that, you’re right, but I can’t get over my worry that something may happen if I’m teaching a young or an inexperienced rider, like it did before. I still remember that boy falling, the way his body contorted on the ground, Arnold. That memory haunts me.’ Although not as much as his furious parent coming at her with a pitchfork, telling her it was all her fault, blaming her, making threats. ‘And then what if I agree to teach Abigail and she wants to go out on hacks? That’ll make it so much harder out and about, I’ll be even less in control.’
‘From what I’ve seen, she’s capable.’
‘Most are, right up until they’re not,’ said Hazel. ‘Remember I told you about the young lad – must’ve been four or so years ago now – Mum and I were with six riders on a familiar path and all of a sudden there was a car in the ditch. It was unexpected, out of the ordinary, it startled Mum’s horse, which frightened the one behind and the one behind that.’
‘The domino rally,’ he grinned. ‘Not funny, but it’s exactly like that.’
When one horse got spooked, the others very easily picked up on it and soon became out of sorts. It was fine if you were confident as a rider to reassure them but if you weren’t, it made things so much more difficult.
‘The boy at the back closest to me had obviously never been on horseback when a horse was agitated,’ said Hazel. ‘He had a couple of years’ experience under his belt, but he’d never been in that situation before. I could see the fear in his eyes, the terror mounting in his horse. In the end, I dismounted, took charge of his horse, and he begged to dismount too. It took me forever to coax him back on the horse because he was terrified it would buck like the one at the front had.’
‘And you’re worried you’ll be out on a hack with Abigail and something similar will happen?’ Arnold had been using his hands around the ice-cream tub to warm the insides, getting it ready for scooping out. But now he looked at his sister and asked, ‘What would you do if it did?’
Fear flooded her insides and Arnold, looking much like their dad, sat there with all the patience in the world until she said, ‘I’d get off my horse and find something nearby to secure him. Then I’d calm the other horse with my voice, with my touch, the rider too.’ As she spoke, she could hear Gus’s voice in her head telling her she was capable, that she was able to do all the right things, the way he’d told her the day Cinnamon was injured. The memory of him putting his arm around her too drifted back and she wished she could feel that same way again: believed in, safe.
Arnold smiled. ‘Remember how as kids we called Dad the horse whisperer? Well, you and I are both just as good as he was. You did it with Cinnamon when he was hurt, you did it in the last lot of storms when plenty of the horses were unsettled, not knowing what was going on.’ He opened up the ice-cream and pushed the sides of the tub to assess its softness. ‘If I were you, I wouldn’t worry about a hack for now; agree to a lesson providing it’s in the school. Do a few of those first and you’ll know how Abigail and Denby are together, you’ll know how you feel. Take it from there.’
She put her head in her hands. ‘I wish I had your level of belief in me.’ Or Gus’s, even.
‘Your confidence will come back, I know it will. What happened happened. It wasn’t your fault, you know that, but you lost your nerve. I think it’s high time you got—’
She sniggered. ‘Do not say, “Got back on the horse!”’
And then they both began to laugh. ‘It’s an expression and a good one. We practise it here, we did as kids. We fell off, we got back on again. And you won’t get your confidence back unless you take a chance. And Abigail likes you.’
‘I like her. She’s brave, she knows a lot about horses, she isn’t daft.’
‘Then she’s the perfect young rider to start with.’ He pulled on the oven mitts ready to pull out the dessert, courtesy of Celeste at the Twist and Turn Bakery. ‘I’ve got waiting lists for teaching, that’s money we could be earning. You don’t have to leap back in and teach every kid who comes our way. Start with one. Abigail.’
And the oven timer pinged as if to put a full stop on his demands. Fait accompli.
Now it was up to her to take the next step.
* * *
It took Hazel a few days to think through what Arnold had suggested, what she knew to be true, and along with memories of the way Gus had encouraged her, she knew she could do it. She also had a breather from James and his business suggestions too, as he’d gone away for a few days, playing golf with clients.
By Monday, she finally felt ready to tackle her nemesis. She was really going to do it. She was going to offer to teach Abigail, in the school at first, take it from there. And the thought of it made her happier, despite the trepidation.
Hazel finished her morning jobs – the turnout to the paddocks, grooming, mucking out, tacking up horses, and preparing young riders for Arnold’s lesson – and come mid-morning, she grabbed the list off the fridge of the few things they needed from the convenience store. She wouldn’t have time to walk there and back today with a lesson looming at midday, but she had time to drive, park up in the village and get everything they needed. And she’d have just enough time to drop in on Gus too.
With her shopping on the front seat of the car, Hazel parked on the street outside the veterinary practice. She brushed her pale-blue T-shirt and the thighs of her jodhpurs to make sure she wasn’t covered in straw or anything worse and she made her way up the path towards the main door.
But she stopped when she raised her hand to knock and heard voices coming through the open window at the front.
