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“I didn’t go about it the right way and I’m sorry. I’ve never... done this before.”
She avoids my eyes. “What’s going on with you guys now?”
“We’re like negative nothing.” I pick at the corner of the desk. “I fucked things up, separately, with him, and now I think you two could start an I Hate Saine club.”
She stares at the Smart Board at the front of the room even though it’s blank, like her expression. “That just pisses me off even more.”
“I thought you’d feel vindicated or something.”
“Why?” Finally, she turns to me, her brows furrowed. “Because I’m that petty? I’m in a really good, fun relationship, but you think I’d be happy that you and Holden went through all that, made me feel the way I did, all for it to result in you twonotbeing together? Saine, Iwantedyou guys together,” she says with exasperation in her voice.
“Yeah, he mentioned that....”
“We were not a good fit. I broke up with him. I told you it was okay if you had feelings for him. Why would you not just tell me?”
“How was I supposed to tell anyone else if I couldn’t evenface the facts in private?” I so badly want to reach out to her, sink my claws into her skin and never let go. I feel her drifting away and all I can do is watch, like that bitch Rose when she let Jack sink inTitanic. GoddamnCorrine for making me watch that with her every year on her birthday. It’s not romantic. It’s sad. “I’ve liked him for a long time.”
“You should have said something the moment I mentioned meeting him last year.”
“You would have thought I was so pathetic asking you not to date him. He rejected me when we were kids and I harbored feelings for him that turned so rotten I thought Ihatedhim. Like, how do I even explain that?”
“With words. You just did it.”
“Oh, and you’re so receptive to words?” I hate the bite in my tone, hate what it does to her face, but then she sighs and nods.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“I’msorry,” I say, pointing at myself.
“I guess the situation was a bit... complicated.” She raps her fingernails against the desk. “Not entirely your fault.”
She turns to me with watery eyes. “I lied about having sex. I didn’t have a lot of sex. I’ve had sex once. Please don’t tell anyone.”
Part of me is jealous that their first times were with each other, even though they’ve both said it sucked, and first times don’t really matter unless you make them matter. Another part of me just feels bad for them both. It should have been fun.
“It’s okay,” I say softly.
“It’s not. You liked him and I rubbed it in your face without even realizing.” She wipes at her eyes. “And I guess I did it afterI realized, too. Because even though I said it was okay, I didn’t want to lose you to him.”
“It’s okay,” I say again with force. “I forgive you.”
“Don’t think that you forgiving me for lying means I’ll forgive you for lying.” She bites her peach-tinted lip.
“Wouldn’t dream of it.”
She picks at the cover of her book.Sense and Sensibility. I wonder if that one’s a movie, too. “I guess I do sort of forgive you. Not sure if I trust you, though.”
I reach for her hand and squeeze, stalling her from flicking through pages. “I will do anything to build that up again.”
She straightens in her seat. “I’m not sure how I would have reacted if our roles were switched. I want to think I’d be more considerate, but... I really don’t know. I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt you either.”
We share a small, hopeful smile.
“Can I ask you something completely off topic that has been bothering me for a while? Since we’re clearing the air?” I ask.
She blows out a breath, slow, and then meets my eyes. “Yeah. Go for it.”
“I don’t think you need to prepare yourself that much.”
