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‘I know it was a long time coming, Soph,’ added Bella, ‘but I also know how hard it must have been for you to actually go through with it.’
‘Thanks, Bella,’ I replied as I scrutinised the glass, which thankfully was perfectly clean, before taking a sip of my G&T. ‘You’re right. Neither of us had been happy for a while, so the practical side of my brain absolutely knows it was the sensible thing to do. But the less logical and more emotional side is starting to freak out a little.’
‘In what way?’ asked Bella.
‘Well, for starters, I’m going to be thirty-nine in less than eight weeks…thirty-fucking-nine. That’s one year away from forty!’ I said unhelpfully, as if she was unable to do basic maths. ‘I know I should be strong and confident and believe that Iwillbe fine, which Iamninety percent of the time. But then I’ll read an article, or see Instagram posts with what feels likeeveryonelooking loved up or pregnant, and I start fretting about the future and thinking I’ve made a mistake. I mean,technicallyRich was such a catch, a guy in a million. Even at the end, when I’d crushed his heart, he wasstillunderstanding,’ I added, hanging my head and hoping they didn’t chastise me for being so weak.
‘It’s only natural to feel apprehensive about the future, but you’ve got to trust your gut, Soph,’ said Bella as she put her hand on my shoulder.
‘Of course,’ I replied in agreement. ‘Like I said, Iknowit’s the right decision. And Iknowit’s silly, but I get these visions of a sixty-year-old me, sitting in a rocking chair all alone with cobwebs growing from my vagina after decades of inactivity and then turning on the TV and seeing Rich named as the world’s most successful architect with a thirty-year-old wife, three gorgeous kids, and they’ll be living in between their homes in St Tropez, the Maldives and LA, whilst I’ll be rocking away in a big empty house, regretting the day I’d told him it was over.’
‘Oh fuck,’ yelled Roxy. ‘Bella, this ismuchworse than I thought. Thank goodness we met up today,’ she added, slamming her hand against her forehead with despair.
‘I know I sound like the most pathetic person on earth. But I haven’t broken up with a boyfriend in a long time, certainly not one as serious as Rich, and sometimes I just have these moments where I just feel so shitty.’
‘Wow…I’ve never seen you like this before, Soph,’ said Roxy, picking up the bottle of prosecco and kindly scrutinising the glass on my behalf before pouring out a generous amount. ‘Normally you’re so together and so strong. But don’t worry, honey. We’ll help you through this.’
‘Thanks, Roxy,’ I murmured. ‘Just listening to those words come out of my mouth is mortifying.’ I vetted the glass myself, just in case, then took a giant glug.
‘Firstly, remember: you’re a strong, intelligent, resourceful woman running a PR empire,’ replied Roxy. ‘If you can take an idea and build it into a multimillion-pound business, you can definitely get over a man and take care of yourself. Secondly, step away from social media,’ Roxy said, banging her hand on the table for emphasis. ‘It’s only going to make you feel like shit seeing all thosehe liked it, so he put a ring on itorwe’re expectingposts. Cool for them, but not helpful for you right now.’
‘Totally agree, Roxy,’ added Bella. ‘When you’re feeling rubbish, looking at everyone portraying their airbrushed lives or scrolling through endless ultrasound scan pics can be toxic.’
‘It stirs up so many different emotions,’ I said, bowing my head. ‘As much as you’re happy for them and their amazing news, you also start wondering if it will ever be you, and then you feel bad for having those pangs of jealousy. After all, if it were me, I’d probably want to shout about it from the rooftops too, so whyshouldn’tthey celebrate something so joyful? Lord knows there’s enough doom and gloom in the world, so I should be happy to see something positive for a change.’
‘I know you’re sensitive, and things may appear to be shitty right now, but itwillget better,’ said Roxy, squeezing my hand reassuringly. ‘When I divorced Steve, it took a long time to get over the initial loneliness and despair. There were days that I just curled up on the floor, crying my eyes out. We’d been married for eleven years, and as you know, he’d stripped away all of my confidence. I didn’t know who I was. I felt completely useless.’ She took a large gulp of her G&T.
‘How did you get over it, Rox?’ asked Bella.
‘Initially with great difficulty. When I left him and moved into my own flat, I worried about silly things, like who would kill the spiders, change the lightbulbs or put up the IKEA furniture,’ replied Roxy as she rested her glass back on the table. ‘And the bed. That’s one of the first things you notice. When you’re sleeping on your own for the first time in years, the bed suddenly feels huge!’
‘That’s exactly how I feel each night,’ I said, nodding. ‘It just feels so empty.’
‘Precisely. Sometimes I didn’t think that I’d survive. But each week it got easier, and after I’d struggled through the first few months, I slowly got to know myself again and remembered that Icouldtake care of myself. I’d done it before I’d met Steve and I would do it again. Sleeping alone meant I didn’t have to deal with the duvet being pulled off me in the middle of the night. Handling creepy crawlies wasn’t so bad, and as for self-assembled furniture, thanks to Google and some YouTube videos, I even smashed the shit out of putting up an IKEA wardrobe!’ said Roxy, giggling.
‘Ha-ha!’ replied Bella. ‘Now that’sdefinitelyan achievement. Sometimes assembling flat-packed furniture feels like bloody rocket science!’
‘Totally! Soph, my relationship was extreme,’ sighed Roxy. ‘I was married to a controlling, abusive psychopath, so it took me a long time to get over that. You’ll be much better, as your break-up is much more civil and Rich was always supportive, so your self-esteem should hopefully remain intact. But one thing I believe is that, like me, you won’t look back. This is a new and exciting chapter for you, and nearly thirty-nine or not, it’s going to be amazing, I can just feel it!’ her eyes widened with excitement.
‘I’d like to think that you’re right, Roxy,’ I said cautiously as doubts flooded my brain.
‘The truth is, Soph, as lovely as Rich is, you were stifled in that relationship. Your youth and sexuality were wasting away. Now, you can be free to get out there and start living!’
‘Well, as you know, Rox, I’m generally always a glass-half-full kind of person, but we can’t deny the facts,’ I said pragmatically. ‘As a woman of a certain age, when Iameventually ready to get out into the world of dating again, my chances of meeting someonewillbe significantly reduced,’ I added.
‘Bullshit!’ shrieked Roxy. ‘You’ve been reading too much of that sexist, ageist crap society feeds us. I got divorced just before my fortieth birthday, and two years on, I’m having the time of my life! Like you, I assumed that becoming single at forty meant I’d end up like some boring cat lady—a spinster left on the shelf with no one but some seventy-five-year-old great-granddad interested in me. But it’s been quite the opposite,’ she said with a cheeky glint in her eye.
‘In what way?’ I asked, still not convinced.
‘What I mean is that I’m not just attracting men in their forties, fifties and upwards, but also men in their twenties and thirties too. A lot of these young guys actually have a thing for the older woman,’ said Roxy.
I shot her my bestyeah, whateverlook as the waiter placed our starters on the table and then left swiftly, grinning as if he’d caught the tail end of our conversation.
‘O ye of little faith,’ she replied. ‘I kid you not, Sophia, I’ve never really gone into detail with you before as I know you’re quite prim and proper and didn’t want to shock you, but I’ve got hot twenty-seven-year-old guys wanting to get in my knickers!’
Bella nearly choked on her tuna salad.
‘What?’ I asked.
