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CHAPTER 36
LILY
Lately, it seemed, I had so very little control over my moods and emotions. They were all over the place, jumping between being carefully optimistic to going full out distraught. I haven’t cried so much in my life, and tried as I might, I couldn’t stop it. Sometimes I would sit and the tears would just come. No trigger, no warning, it would just start running.
People kept saying I should give myself some time, that my mind and body has been through a lot, but I was sick of it. Sick of the crying, sick of not knowing and sick of trying to catch up on things I knew nothing about.
It was hard to see how everyone had moved on. Getting mated, starting families or landing new jobs or positions in the pack. And yet, here I was, a complete mess. Running around in my wolf form because I had lost myself again and she took over for me. I was grateful for her, however, being the only one who never strayed from my side, the only one who I knew for a fact didn’t judge me. I couldn’t think about it. Couldn’t bring myself to delve into what others might think of me, finally knowing the truth. Weakling. Naïve, desperate fool.
Even after telling Raiden what happened, back in Hollow Stone, he couldn’t respond. He’d sat there, staring at the ground until I was called away for another doctor’s assessment. He’d never brought it up again, and I was too much of a coward to ask. Was that perhaps why he had brought me here, despite already having chosen someone else to step into my place? Did he feel guilty? He shouldn’t. It was my stupid decision and should me my burden to bare.
I knew it was irrational of me to think he’d wait. To be angry with him for choosing someone else. Everyone thought I was dead. Hell, had the roles been reversed, I didn’t know what I would have done. Still, the painful sting of betrayal pierced through me. My mind told me he was doing it for his pack and that I had nothing to do with it, but my heart wept. Wept for a mate who’d chosen another.
As my wolf ran through the forest, I didn’t push back. She needed to deal with her sorrow too and I wasn’t quite ready to show my face yet either. Around us, the forest was alive with noise. Crickets and frogs, probably hundreds of them, orchestrated a symphony of commotion, which surprisingly sounded harmonic in its chaos. Chilly air ripped at my fur, but I wasn’t cold. With ears flattened against her head, she kept running, pushing her paws into the soft forest floor. I didn’t want to think anymore. I didn’t want to remember anymore. And most definitely, I didn’t want to feel guilty anymore. So, instead, I let go, leaving her to run at her heart’s content.
RAIDEN
There, in the hall, I’d wanted to rush after her. I’d wanted to comfort her, but my limbs had frozen after realising I’d broken her already fragile heart. I’d seen it on her face, in her eyes. I kept replaying the moment over and over again in my mind.
She must hate me. I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I hated myself too. I should have told her sooner, but how could I when she’d been so miserable? I wanted her to heal first, but now, it’s all gone to hell and I didn’t know if she’d ever want to see me again, let alone talk it out. A mate bond was sacred, more powerful than any other bond on earth, but betrayal? Betrayal was poison that killed slowly.
It had been hours. Go to her. Find her. Comfort her.No,I was the last person she’d want to see, send someone else. Send Violet.
It had turned dark outside, and she was still out there in the forest. Alone. Gunnar had advised me to let her go and give her some space. He’d said she needed to clear her mind and get away for a bit, having been surrounded by people since the moment they’d found her. It made sense, but I wasn’t certain about leaving her alone when we knew that thing was still out there, looking for her.
When it came down to it, did I want her to be mentally stable or physically safe? I paced, my nerves strung so tightly, it felt like something had crawled under my skin. Physically safe, I’d say. The rest could come later.
I was ready to lose my shit. Gunnar had led me to my office and tried to occupy me with pack matters hours ago, but it was useless since I couldn’t focus on anything else but her. Her, and that damned look in her eyes the moment I’d shattered her heart. My mind raced. I needed to get to her before he did.
Up and down, around the desk, in circles I went. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d failed miserably and couldn’t spend another second in here knowing she might face him again. I’d waited for Gunnar to look away before I bolted. Out of the door and out of the castle, changing into my wolf and sprinting into the darkness beyond.
Moving as quickly and soundlessly as I possibly could, I tracked her scent through the undergrowth. It was easy since her scent called to me, coaxing me to follow it.
When I finally found her, still in wolf form, she was lying in the middle of a clearing, surrounded by hundreds of tiny wildflowers. Fast asleep, the endless ashen petals glowed around her, given life by the moon’s rays reflecting off their little faces. My breath slowed as I beheld the scene before me. It was quite possibly the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life. She looked so peaceful, lying there on a blanket of glowing white. So calm.
Her body must have been exhausted. She’d been through so much these last couple of days, and who knew what else during her disappearance. She needed sleep. She needed to recuperate and regain her strength, both physically and mentally.
Silently, I shifted back into my human form and walked over to her, crouching to gently rest my hand on her back. I couldn’t stop myself. Her wolf was magnificent; her fur, lush and white, like freshly fallen snow.
I needed to know what it felt like. I lowered my hand, slowly, gently. Soft and warm to the touch, tingles erupted under my palm. The mate bond.
I’d always known she had a white wolf, but I’d never seen it for myself. I’d seen Axel’s, but he was larger with a hard set jaw and serious expression. Hers was soft, majestic.
I dug my fingers deeper into her fur, feeling the pleasant tingles of the mate bond ignite under my fingertips, seeping into her and spreading up my wrist. And, in that moment I witnessed something I’d never seen before and I’d never forget. Under the warmth of my touch, in her sleep, she let out a deep sigh, and right in front of my very eyes, her white fur started disappearing, retracting as she began shifting back into her human form.
A lump instantly formed in my throat as my eyes raked over her now naked body. She’d shifted in her sleep. I’d made her do it, or at least, I think I did.I never knew the mate bond could do this. It was truly something extraordinary, and the effect of a mate’s touch was more powerful than I could have ever imagined.
Her smooth, flawless skin had me entranced and I couldn’t look away even when I knew I should. Bastard, stop staring. Look away. She wouldn’t want this. Still,I couldn’t. I was completely mesmerised by her beauty. Mesmerised by the few strands of hair which had fallen over her face, covering most of her long dark lashes. It was like looking into a dream, one I had wished for my entire life. She was my mate, beautifully made just for me. Every inch of her was crafted to my very own liking. How perfectly Celene had paired us, how very lucky I was to have gotten her back.
Warm air fell over my back as I leaned over her and I glanced around, suddenly too aware of an eerie stillness that had fallen over the forest. Quiet. It was too quiet. Letting go of her and turning to survey the forest, heat ripped away from my skin and a cool breeze replaced its touch. I shivered, the action having nothing to do with being cold.
My ears strained, listening. My eyes searched the darkness, moving from one shadow to the next. We weren’t alone. I knew that, because the forest was cowering away. Every critter and tiny creature went quiet, waiting for an unknown threat to pass.
Lifting my nose into the air, I took a deep breath. Nothing. But warm air quickly twisted around my neck, and my gut churned at the sudden unwelcome sensation. My body stiffened at what it meant. It was here. Him. I knew it, could feel it in the air and around my throat. I waited for the squeeze, but nothing came. The heat continued to wring and swirl around me, the forest growing quieter and quieter until the utter silence of it was starting to sting my ears.
A dull pressure began building inside my head, pressing on my eardrums. Fuck. When the hair at the back of my neck started standing on end, I glanced down at my mate. Tiny goosebumps had broken out over her skin, covering every inch of her. It was enough. I’d seen and felt enough.
Crouching down, I slipped my arms under Lily’s body and hauled her to my chest, hoisting her up in one swift move. We needed to get the hell out of there. Peering into the darkness one last time, my eyes glazed over, linking Gunnar with a new set of orders. Carrying her back, I didn’t dare look behind me again.
