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CHAPTER 11
Sam closed his front door quietly, then remembered Chloe was staying at Heather’s. It had been a good night, sharing a few beers in Bristol with some work colleagues. His head swam a little, light-headed with the booze, but he hadn’t lost the use of his faculties. Good job he’d eaten well at dinner with Maya and the children earlier. He could have done with not going out with his work colleagues, because he would have enjoyed extending the evening with her.
Fetching a pint glass of water, Sam perched on his couch and started scrolling through the online dating app. He held off messaging Maya — especially as he’d seen her this afternoon. But that’s why he was on there. He wanted to contact her. They only messaged periodically; usually she’d ask for some advice, to get a male opinion. He assumed their messaging died down when she was online with someone else. Which was fine. It really was.
She was more open about her online dating experiences to him as an anonymous stranger on the site, than face to face in the restaurant. It had been difficult with the kids there, admittedly. Maya was trying to date without her children knowing. He would be the same. He only wanted to introduce Chloe to someone who would mean something to him. His daughter had no idea about his attempts at dating a couple of years ago — especially the disastrous one that made him stop altogether. The less anyone knew about that experience, the better. He’d sworn Heather to secrecy.
The woman, Annette was her name, had described herself as a widow in her profile, which had been her appeal to Sam. However, it transpired that her husband was not dead, but in prison. Sam had nearly choked on his dinner. Annette had said he was dead to her, though. It wasn’t quite the same, in Sam’s opinion. He had endured three courses, paid the bill, and hadn’t been able to escape the restaurant fast enough. It had been a very expensive mistake.
Heather, of course, had found it hysterical when he’d told her. But he’d never looked at the online dating account since. PeterPan26 had remained hidden.
The fact was he’d tried dating too soon after Jade’s death. He hadn’t given himself enough time. And then that had happened. Puttinghimoffforlife — almost! He wasn’t even sure if he was ready now.
Sam felt a pang of dishonesty about not coming clean to Maya. But if he did, he worried he might lose the contact with her that he had started to crave. Hopefully, he’d allayed her misgivings about him today. He’d made sure he’d apologised to her. This afternoon had been a perfect opportunity to prove he wasn’t a pompous, moody old git. He hoped it had worked. It felt important that she liked him. If he confessed to Maya now, would it undo all the good stuff he’d done today with her? He didn’t want to ruin a potential friendship, especially as their daughters were close and he was likely to see Maya regularly.
Chloe seemed completely cool with the idea of him dating — she was almost as bad as Heather for encouraging it. It was difficult to imagine being with another woman, and he feared he’d never feel the same as he did with Jade. He still found it hard to accept that it wouldn’t be a betrayal, even though she’d wanted him to move on. Before she’d died, they’d discussed it — both crying, holding each other. She’d felt so frail in his arms, as he’d promised to look after Chloe, to be happy in life. But what Jade had feared most, more than death itself, was that Sam would be left lonely. She’d reassured him that meeting someone else wouldn’t mean he loved her any less.
In the flickering light of the muted TV, his legs outstretched and his feet resting on his oak coffee table, Sam debated what to do about his profile on Find My HEA. Although not overly happy with the idea, he decided to remain anonymous as PeterPan26. Much as he wanted to delete this account now, he didn’t want to lose the connection it gave him with Maya… He could support her via PeterPan26 in a way he couldn’t in person. He’d stay available for her to chat to if she wanted. So as not to draw any more attention to his anonymous profile, he decided to hide his account so only Maya, because she’d been messaging him, would be able to contact him.
He switched to Soul Mate Search, which he knew Maya wasn’t on. He updated the profile Heather had created for him with some pictures, including one Chloe had recently taken of him with Portishead marina in the background. Hopefully no one would think the big yacht in the picture was his. He rubbed his eyes with his palms, hoping to refresh them a little longer while he finished his water. Staring at the screen was making his eyelids heavy and his eyes dry.
He’d been messaged by several women, including a young woman whose profile was full of pouting, duck-faced selfies. Her username was SassyQueen.
MorelikeSelfieQueen.
He imagined Jade looking over his shoulder and rolling her eyes at the women on this site. He still missed her sense of humour.
Sam finished his water and turned off the television. He thought about messaging a couple of new ladies whose profiles interested him, only to keep Heather off his back, and to keep his promise to Jade.
He rubbed his eyes and closed the app. He’d think about it tomorrow. Under the influence of alcohol, he wouldn’t want to make a poor judgement call.
Unfortunately, and even more so after this afternoon, Maya seemed to pop to the front of his mind before anyone else.
But he didn’t want to ruin a newly forming friendship by complicating it further. Especially if he wasn’t one hundred per cent sure whether he wanted to date or not. He’d only been surfing the online dating site to keep Heather quiet.
And he’d only spent one evening with Maya. Maybe he needed to get to know her more before he made the decision to ask her out on a date. That could take their relationship on a whole new path … one where kids were involved too.
