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After holding Beckauntil she fell into a deep sleep my need to be alone and process took over, driving me from her side. Carefully slipping from bed and putting on some gym-shorts, I gathered my bloody clothes from the bathroom and headed to the study.
I put the rarely used fireplace into action and once the flames had really taken off, threw the bloody rags on top. Fire instantly took to them, sending black smoke up the chimney. I poured myself a drink and settled wearily into one of the recliners. My body felt like one big pulsing bruise, lending strength to my misery.
The snapping and popping sounds of burning wood gave voice to the dark room. Orange light slashed over the walls, jumping from one surface to the next. Staring into the flames, watching the clothes burn into ashes felt all too symbolic to what was happening in my head. My life had lit on fire as Becka drilled into me with the certainty of her observations.
No matter how much I tried to argue there was no dispelling the inkling that she spoke the truth. And elephant took up residence on my ribs. The need for a drink to dispel the fear gripped my body and had me downing Brandy. It didn’t work. Body limp with defeat, mind numb from chasing the same answers in circles, I felt lost.
I knew from the moment we met that she was special. The deeper I got to know Becka, the more things I found to love and respect about her. But this one took the cake.
With a past like her’s it takes an immensely strong person—even with support— to not let it turn you into the ugliness that touched you. But she had done it. Left anger and bitterness at the door and stepped through with a determination to not let her past define who she would become.
I crushed my eyes shut and laid my aching head back. My hand tightened around my glass as deep breaths made my nostrils flare. I let my mind run free towards the place I had kept hidden, even from myself. Maybe this isn’t who I’m supposed to be? If it wasn’t for Lorenzo…? Hands wrapped around my throat, demanding I give the light of day to the question. To delve deeper.
Minute by minute the weight of it grew until it became almost unbearable. The answer blasted me with wreaking ball force. All the feelings and emotions that I buried six feet under with my parents broke through the surface to land in my lap. I’d thrown them away, telling myself it was for survival. A necessity. And maybe for a time, it was.
But I took it a step further. I refused to give them air in order to become at home in a new life when it was presented. The chance to let my anger be the driver and convince myself it was meant to be. Now it’s all coming back to bite me in the ass. The idea that I was led around by misplaced loyalty for nearly twenty years made my stomach clench so hard it shot pain up my chest.
Leaning forward my head fell into my hands, digging my nails into my scalp. My world was shattering into a million pieces, blowing away in the wind faster than I could think to reach for them.
What the fuck am I going to do?
There was only one comfort I could take from the purgatory I found myself in. Becka. If I hadn’t become who I was, I probably never would have found her.
“Luca?”
Becka’s soft voice drifted from behind me. The sound soothed me gently as it caressed my eardrums and fluttered to my heart. But I couldn’t turn. Couldn’t look at the gorgeous beauty standing in the doorway.
The woman I love.
I didn’t know if I could take any more of her brutal honesty.
Gentle fingers landed on my shoulder. Bare feet and sheet appeared on the floor at my feet as she rounded the chair. She crouched down and I closed my eyes. If I looked at her she would see everything, all my weakness laid bare. Those stunning, rare, green and orange eyes would split me in two. Reach inside and pull every bit of my broken self to the surface.
