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LUCA
The fire hissed and sputtered as our ragged breaths let her declaration hang in the air. She will never turn from me. She accepted my answer that there was no way out, fully trusting me.
A hole, deep and dark split open inside me. With my next train of thought I almost tasted a lie. I said there was no way out, but what I should have said was there was no way out for me. But maybe I could find a way out for her. Already knowing living without her would be hell on earth.
I couldn’t let her stay in this shit hole of a life. With me, she would be lavished with anything she could ever want, except peace. Always watched, danger around every corner and hounded by the fact that every day could be my last, or hauled off to prison. If that happened she would be left alone in the aftermath.
I can’t do it.
I couldn’t let her stay. Now that I had stopped lying to myself and admitted she was the most important thing in my world, anything less than getting her out proved unacceptable.
If you love it, you’ll let it go.
What I thought was a dumb, old saying never felt so true.
* * *
I hit the‘end call’ button then set the phone on the desk, feeling sick to my stomach for what I just did. I stared at the papers on my office desk but looked right through them. The lights from the club flashed in the windows, I didn’t see those either. All I could see was the vale of shame washing out the room around me. I just went behind the Russo’s backs, betraying them with an unforgivable act in just one phone call.
Light headed and weary my head fell into my hands.
More confused and torn than I thought humanly possible, I could hardly breathe. The phone call was the start of my plan to free Becka from the mafia. I wouldn’t force her to go, but would use every manipulation I could think of to get her to agree with me. Even using the bribe of being able to see her grandmother again. But for me, whether she said yes or no and I got caught, the result would be the same. I wished more than anything to be able to go with her, but if I did there would be no one to make sure her accident was ever questioned.
The phone call went against every oath of loyalty I’d ever given the Russos. Lorenzo may have manipulated me, but to some extent I let him, by never questioning anything. It was me that pulled the trigger that first night we met. Lorenzo certainly didn’t have anything to do with that. He was still a huge part of my life and it was hard to hate a man who had also done so much for me. And Matteo, my brotherly love for him would never die. I helped build this empire to what it was today, and helped form one of the biggest alliances between syndicates ever. I couldn’t lie to myself and say I didn’t want to loose what held so much of my blood within its history. Or what gave me a sense of having existed.
For the past week the decisions and planning had sucked away every ounce of sanity I possessed. Guilt for what I knew I was doing, and determination to not fail crashed into each other like waves on rocks. Determination held firm while guilt beat against it endlessly.
I became a ghost to my surroundings, unable to focus like I had before. I knew Matteo had noticed, no matter how hard I tried to fake normal. I completed all my tasks without failure or incompetence, but my edge had slipped.
Becka noticed it too. How could she not? For days I have been avoiding her. After deciding on the night we made love by the fireplace that I was going to have to let her go, it felt like I’d been knifed in the gut. My spirit draining from the gushing wound.
I tried to keep her close, but the weight of my thoughts pulled me further away. I would get lost in space when she tried to talk to me, and avoided going home early to see her. Looking at her or having her in my arms only reminded me of what I would have to spend my life without.
Sluggishly I stood, heading to the bathroom to take a piss and splash cold water on my face. When I came out Matteo was leaning against the side of my desk. I pinged with adrenaline.
Does he know about the phone call? Did my contact betray me?Most likely. The contact after all, was a long time associate of the Russos but he was the best and also did business with everyone, his confidentiality had never wavered in the past. Still there was a chance he had flipped.
I faked a pleased smile. “Hey, Matteo. Whats up?”
He shrugged. “Just came by to check on you. I know I’ve kept you pretty busy.” There was something in his voice.
“Yeah, it’s been a bit crazy, but nothing I can’t handle. The only thing that’s bothering me is how quiet the Russians have been.” That part was at least true. The Russians had been eerily silent since we decapitated several of their men, and it rubbed me the wrong way. Just one more thing piled on the mountain of misery and unknown. The lives of our men and the strength of our operation stood at risk of being hit with a massive retaliation. Yet, not even a hint of what that might be had surfaced.
“I agree. And we have taken every precaution we can.” Matteo sighed heavily, placing his hands in his pockets. “But that’s not why I’m here now? Something is bothering you. I’m your friend Luca, your brother. You can talk to me.”
No, I can’t. Not about this.
Shame hit me in the chest with a battering ram. My friend was concerned for me— wanted to help— having no idea I’d just betrayed him not ten minutes ago. My mouth went dry, trying to think of anything to say except blurting out the truth, but I also couldn’t lie straight to his face. I just couldn’t. “I’m good. Just working through some shit.”
Matteo eyed me for a long time. I stood frozen staring back, afraid he was actually reading my mind. We had never needed words before to read each other, and knew that’s what Matteo was trying to do now.
“Well,” Matteo started, “if you…” My phone rang on the desk, cutting him off. He leaned over to look at the screen and frowned. “It’s Steven. Isn’t he with Becka?”
Rushing across the room I reached for the phone. Steven never called. There was never a need. He usually sent short texts throughout the day to give updates but otherwise did not bother me unless necessary. After seeing how comfortable Becka felt around Steven I permanently assigned him to her, knowing he was an honorable man and incredibly capable. The fact he was calling put me on edge. Something was wrong. I answered with a hard jab to the screen. “Steven what’s wrong?”
“Luca you need to come home. Now.” The seriousness in his voice made me go cold.
“Is Becka ok?” Matteo stiffened beside me.
