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I blink my eyes open,my heart racing remembering the night I just spent with Ali, how she moaned my name repeatedly as we made love. Because that’s what we did. It was an act of love, of ridiculously needy, desperate want. And then love. Sweet, beautiful love. I reach over for the familiar feeling of her curves but my bed’s empty and the spot she’d fallen asleep in is blank. I feel like part of my soul had been ripped out. She’s gone. Panic ensues, thrusts itself through my naked body. Jumping out of bed, the room is silent. I don’t even put any clothes on, my en-suite door is open, so I know she’s not in there. I walk up the hall to the living room. My t-shirt is still on the floor, so are my jeans but her dress is not amongst them. Neither are her heels.Fuck.
I run a hand through my hair, my stomach in my mouth. Thoughts of how good it felt to hold her in my arms last night are slowly disappearing and being replaced with torment and loss. That deep, terrorised feeling that I’ll never be good enough, that I’ve broken everything I’ve ever touched is back. My throat is closing up.
Then I see it. The small note on the granite of my kitchen island. The white paper looking stark against the dark stone. But I’d recognise Ali’s curly handwriting anywhere. I feel my heartbeat rise as I pick it up and read it.
I’m sorry, Max. I’m so sorry that last night happened.
And now here’s me apologising to you. Apologising for letting myself be with you. We both know it was all sorts of wrong even though something inside of me thought it was right.
Please don’t call me, Max.
This is goodbye,
Ali
I dropthe paper as if it was a hot stone, the tears I knew were welling in my eyes suddenly fall as I drop down on the floor, in a ball of emotion. Tears flowing down my cheeks as my body shakes. I’m not who she needs. I’ll never be what she needs. What anybody needs. I’m a broken fucking mess. A fucking joke. I don’t care what time it is and I’m still fucking naked. I reach for the wine bottle that’s still on the island from last night. I cradle my legs with one arm and take long pulls of the bottle with the other.
