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KACI
Two Years Ago
“Have you picked a date yet?” Luke plopped down on the couch beside me.
“Uh no not yet.” I picked at the lint on the couch. “Maybe after my internship?
I could see the disappointment on Luke’s face. If it was up to him, we would have been married the day after he proposed. I had just graduated school and was to start my internship next month.
“Kac you said we would after you graduated. Common babe.” He took my hand in his. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing. I’m just… we’re still so young. What’s the rush?”
I wasn’t ready to tell him about all my doubts. That I wasn’t ready to be his wife. I felt like I was settling in this tiny town. There was so much more out there. So much more to see in the world.
“Do you not want to marry me?” Luke asked. I could see the pain that sliced though him.
“No I do.” I don’t know anymore. “I do.”
I tried to sound as convincing as possible. But the truth was I didn’t know. We had been together so long and nothing was the same after the accident. Nothing. He didn’t look at me the same way. I didn’t feel the same. I didn’t know who I was anymore.
I blamed him for it. I blamed him for not coming to see me in the hospital. I had never felt this anger towards him that I had for the past year or so. It was slowly killing me. The depression was the worst. The helpless feeling and the anxiety that I would hurt myself again didn’t help either.
But I couldn’t tell him any of that. It would break his heart. It was breaking my heart that I felt like this.
Luke was perfect. He loved me with everything he had. To the outside world he was gruff. Minimal conversation and one word answers. He didn’t put up with bullshit.
All the other girls that threw themselves at him along the years thought he was an asshole because of the way he turned them down. They would always say, you date such an asshole. What they didn’t know was, he wasn’t. Not in the slightest. He just had eyes for me.
I would make it through my doubts. I knew Luke was the one for me. There was not one doubt I loved Luke and wanted to marry him. That we would grow old together. The doubts were not of Luke and I’s relationship but of myself. I was becoming a person I didn’t like. I needed some space. Some time to figure everything out. Without Luke. It would kill the both of us but it was something that needed to happen.
“Kaci?” Luke’s voice interrupted my insane thoughts.
“Yeah?”
“Did you hear me?”
Scrubbing a hand down my face I looked over at him. “No, I’m sorry. What’d you say?”
“How long after your internship do you want to wait? Like a couple months?”
Shit. I don’t know.“I don’t know yet.”
I could see the disappointment on his face. I looked down at the beautiful ring I had worn on my finger for the last year and a half. It was perfect. The most beautiful tear shaped diamond there was. What the fuck was wrong with me?
I felt the tears fall. They wouldn’t stop. No matter how much I wiped my face they continued to flow. Fat, ugly tears that had me convulsing. I felt Luke’s arm snake around my back as he held me. His thumb brushed the side of my cheek swiping away more tears.
“I… I’m… sorry.” I sobbed.
“Shh baby. It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay.” Luke held me.
It wasn’t going to be okay. Nothing was okay anymore.
