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DREW
My insides had turned to stone over the past hour. I stood stock-still, staring at the closet filled with my mom’s old clothes in the room I rarely forced myself to enter.
Normally I would spend today drunk out of my mind on the couch, angry at myself and everyone else in the world. Right now, I was only angry at one person. Sadie.
Inviting Ivy into my home, like she had any business telling me how I should deal with the fallout from the accident. The sight of Ivy sitting in my front room reminded me what a bastard I was. How the ripple effect from that night had shattered my identity. Sadie assumed this was all about my leg, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
The man I used to be might have been someone worth sticking around for—not that Sadie was so inclined—but he’d have had a fighting chance. The man I was today… She’d go running for the hills after a glimpse inside my messed-up head. No one would want anything more to do with me if they knew what was really going on in there. Not even Sadie. So I’d pushed her away before she figured out how much deeper the damage ran.
No doubt Sadie fancied herself the hero in this situation. Thought she was going to swoop in and fix the broken misanthrope. But my problems weren’t going to be solved by having some kind of Hallmark moment with Ivy.
It shattered a fragile peace that had taken root inside me to think that was how Sadie viewed me. Like everyone else in this town—something to be fixed.
I ran my hand down my face. My first movement in the last hour.
Good to know my limbs weren’t paralyzed.
It wasn’t the dig she’d taken at my lifestyle that had me up here. I’d been meaning to do this for years. I simply hadn’t found the time.
Because your days are oh so busy?
Okay, maybe I needed to prove her wrong in my own way. I wasn’t incapable of cleaning out my mom’s house. But the idea felt like I was throwing her away. Wiping away the fingerprints she’d left on this world as if she’d never been here in the first place. I didn’t want to forget her.
And I didn’t deserve the clean slate that came with catharsis.
My chest tightened as the unfairness of the whole situation came into sharp focus. My blood pressure rose while the familiar mantra cycled through my brain. You weren’t there. You should have been there. You could have saved her, and you weren’t there.
The quicksand holding me in place fell away, and I rushed into the closet, no longer able to endure my mind’s taunting. Ripping clothes from hangers, I stuffed them into the box I’d brought up, in a haphazard pile. My eyes focused on the back wall of the closet while my jaw ground my molars to dust.
I stopped once the box reached an overflowing state. I hadn’t even made a dent in the closet, despite the hangers littering the floor. I picked up the box and stomped down the stairs with it, leaving the room in disarray.
Fuck.
Now what the hell was I supposed to do? I hadn’t thought this plan through. A Goodwill drop-off was out of the question. Knowing my neighbors, everyone had already heard Ivy paid a visit and Sadie left in a huff. The gossip network would be all atwitter if I added the sudden drop-off of a box of my dead mom’s clothes to charity the same day.
I’d deal with this later. Heading out to the garage, I scanned the space for somewhere to put the box. Jamming the clothes farther down, I closed the flaps and shoved it under the workbench. Was this how hoarders got started? That first box, along with the I’ll deal with this later inclination? A year from now, was my garage going to be stuffed to the rafters with boxes full of memories and the skeletons of alley cats who’d mistakenly wandered in?
Was that what Sadie was? A stray, about to get trapped under the weight of my bullshit?
Slamming the door to the garage, I shut down the thoughts. Today was not the day to deal with this.
Although a traitorous part of my brain whispered, when will it be?
* * *
My options were limited.Driving around back roads would only bring up more bad memories. I didn’t dare go over to the house on Jackson Street. There was a strong possibility I might put my fist through one of the new granite countertops. Instead, I sat and stewed in my living room for about thirty minutes after the whole garage debacle, then went for a run.
People knew better than to talk to me when I was out on a run. Especially today. It wasn’t like this was a private anniversary. Everyone knew today was the day. Nothing went under the radar in this town.
Except for the actual reason for my retreat into the shadows.
Pounding away on the pavement, I tried to get my head on straight. But I kept hearing Sadie’s taunt echoing in my head. Have a great day wallowing in your past instead of living the life you’ve got left. She had no idea what she was talking about. Past me wasn’t the problem. I’d take that guy back in a heartbeat. And I didn’t mean my leg—although I’d have been lying if I said it wouldn’t be nice to have my leg back. But I meant mentally. Current me was the problem. He didn’t deserve to live the life he had left.
I cranked my music up to full blast in an effort to drown out the thoughts. Steady, rhythmic breaths flowed through my chest, but all I could think about was how breathless I was when she showed up on my porch that first night. The green of new leaves budding out on the trees overhead reminded me of the tiny flecks of green in her eyes that were only visible up close. I passed Jack’s Drugs on my left and thought about the night she was in the hospital. How I’d been overtaken by the urge to do whatever it took to make her feel better.
All the run managed to accomplish was a more muddled mind and ringing ears. I tossed my earbuds on the table by the door when I walked inside and took a few minutes to stretch. A faint buzzing noise coming from deeper in the house caught my attention while I stretched out my hamstrings. Unfolding back to upright, I headed to the kitchen to see what it was.
Sadie’s phone sat on the kitchen counter next to Ivy’s pie. Acid rolled around in my gut. In two quick strides, I had the pie in my hands and shoved it into the garbage bin under the sink. That wasn’t far enough away though, so I pulled the bag out of the plastic bin, strode out the back door, and dumped it in the can along the side of the house. Garbage day wasn’t for two more days, so that would have to be good enough.
