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Chapter 21
When Walker had arrived in Charleston for his first year of college, he’d encountered plenty of classmates who’d called him some version of “country boy.” He’d come from farther south in the state, and while most of the people he interacted with had accents, his was certainly thicker. He also figured he had a certain kind of air about him, the type of wide-eyed innocence that could only come from someone who’d spent the majority of their life in a tiny town. His gut told him that their jokes were lighthearted, so he took them in stride, blushing or shaking his head anytime someone brought up how they thought he spent his free time running barefoot through the woods near campus or something.
Truth was, he probably couldn’t have been further from That Guy if he tried. He’d spent his childhood tucked firmly under the wing of May Abbott and knew more about the plotlines on Days of Our Lives than hunting or mudding. He’d been too to-himself to join Boy Scouts and too anxious to go exploring on his own. Which was exactly why he’d surprised himself one morning when he laced up an old pair of boots that he’d found in the back of his closet and stepped into the wooded area behind Gram’s house.
A few days after the picnic, Walker had woken up with something heavy sitting in the middle of his chest. He’d rubbed over the area at first, suspecting indigestion or a pulled muscle. It had taken him five minutes of pain before he finally recognized it as anxiety. He’d spent the last few nights wide awake. Tucked into bed and staring up at the moonlit ceiling for hours, growing more exhausted until his body shut down enough to allow him to crash for a couple of hours. The insomnia wasn’t exactly new; he’d experienced it plenty of times before. In recent years, he’d come to think of it as an old friend, a distant memory. But it had decided to visit. Just what he needed—yet another thing to make his life difficult.
Talking to Aja about his family’s history had made him feel… well, he wasn’t entirely sure. There had been some measure of relief; part of him had found opening up to her cathartic. But he hadn’t told her everything. A larger part of him still found it necessary to hold back. He didn’t have all the words himself, so how could he give them to her? Half the time he didn’t understand his own feelings surrounding his family well enough to form coherent thoughts about them, let alone share them with other people.
He also still found comfort in keeping himself locked up tight. The last time he’d been in Greenbelt, he’d had a wall around himself so thick and high that even his own grandmother couldn’t scale it. The wall had been chipped away at, block by block, during his time in Charleston. But the second he’d driven into those city limits he’d felt it getting strong again. Not as thick or impenetrable as before, but present nonetheless. It was just another thing to add to the list of reasons why it would be ridiculous to pursue something with Aja. He had too much fucking baggage. And his baggage wasn’t the regular kind either. It was monogrammed with about a thousand letters, each one representing something in his life that had served to turn him into a man who, he was afraid, didn’t have it in him to allow good things for himself. Not when he’d lived a life so devoid of them.
He’d spent days sitting with those moments they’d shared in the mayor’s mansion, the state of his relationship with Gram, and his flip-flopping feelings on Greenbelt. All of them playing second fiddle to the anxious, anticipatory boulder that weighed him down anytime he thought about how he would have to confront his father soon. It felt ominous. Like something straight out of one of those shitty horror movies he liked to watch. Gram had told him the news of Benny’s impending arrival weeks ago, and it had followed him around like an oppressive shadow ever since. Made worse by how he didn’t actually know when the man was coming. It was in the back of his mind at all times. He could distract himself when he was doing errands for Gram or sitting next to Aja at bingo. But anytime he got a few seconds alone, while he was making dinner or in the shower, thoughts of Benny snaked to the front of his mind, instantly making his stomach drop.
Walker hoped like hell that his hike through the woods would tire him out enough to send him into a long, dreamless sleep. Managing his mental health was even harder when he couldn’t get something as basic as nightly rest. He knew it was a symptom of the PTSD, not the cause, but he was damned near at the end of his rope.
He focused on the crunching of leaves and grass under his boots, the feeling of his heels sinking into the earth with every step. The trees stood tall above him, but they didn’t canopy over top, giving him a perfect view of the clear blue sky and bright South Carolina sun. It was so hot out that sweat made his T-shirt stick to his back within minutes. He’d put a baseball cap on backwards to keep his hair out of his face, but wet droplets dripped down his temples anyway. As uncomfortable as it was, the physical strain kept him present and focused. The stretch in his hamstrings, the contracting muscles in his back, everything distracting from the ache of anxiety and anger in his belly.
He walked in a daze, his feet following the trail that he knew would lead him in a flat circle back to Gram’s house. The sun stayed in the same place in the sky, making Walker feel like he’d been walking either for hours or mere minutes.
He cringed when the peaceful silence was interrupted by the shrill ring of his phone. His first instinct was to ignore it, to silence the sound and keep walking as if he hadn’t heard it. But it could be Gran calling with an emergency, or possibly even Aja calling for… well, he didn’t know what, but he didn’t want to miss it if it was her.
The number that flashed across his screen didn’t belong to either. He didn’t have it saved in his phone, nor did he recognize it. It had an area code that he didn’t know either. He considered ignoring it, but his thumb hovered over the answer button until it seemed to move of its own accord, pressing down before he could stop himself.
“Hello?” His voice was ragged from lack of use.
“Walker?”
One word. One small, miniscule word that he’d heard a million times. That was all it took for him to know who was on the other end of the line. His father.
He didn’t say anything. In fact, he held his breath. His rib cage shook with the force of his pounding heart, but he didn’t make a move. He could hang up… couldn’t he? Yes, he could. All he had to do was pull the phone away from his face and press the button, and it would be over. Hell, he could even block the number. So why in the fuck did his body refuse to do something? He found himself stuck. Feet planted on the ground, hand clenched around his phone so tightly, he thought he might be strong enough to bend metal and glass until it shattered.
“Walker, are you there?”
He tried to speak, but nothing came out aside from an audible puff of air.
“OK, listen… listen, Wally.” He flinched at the familiarity of the nickname. “You don’t have to talk but please don’t hang up. Please.”
Goddamn him. Walker, for all his anger, couldn’t will his body to move fast enough to do it.
Another breath left him.
Benny released a shaky breath too. “I know Mama told you about my plan to move home. I’m… I’m sorry you didn’t hear that from me. I was bein’ cowardly, lettin’ her fight my battles with you for me.” He let out a bitter laugh. “What else is new, huh?”
Walker’s jaw started hurting from clenching his teeth.
“Anyway, I asked her for your number so I could talk to you about it myself. Now before you go gettin’ all mad at her, just know that I had to beg, and she didn’t give it up easy. It ain’t her fault. She’s always had a soft spot for her family, and I pressed on it until she caved. I know this ain’t… it ain’t right of me, but I didn’t know what else to do. Even if you don’t want to talk to me, even if you ain’t even really listenin’ right now, I need to say this. I need you to know that I’m not just comin’ home for Mama. I’m comin’ home for you too.”
Walker’s knees buckled and he had to throw his arm out against a tree to keep himself from falling into the dirt. What was this? What was happening? He felt outside of himself, completely disassociated from reality.
“It’s been years since I’ve talked to you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you never wanted anything to do with me ever again. I know it’s the long shot of a lifetime for me. And… if that’s what you want… I’ll have to accept that. I made that bed and it’ll be only right that I have to fuckin’ lie down in it. But, Walker, listen, if there’s even a chance that you don’t hate me, that you want to give me a second chance, I want to jump on it. I don’t know the exact dates yet, but I’ll be rollin’ through Greenbelt sometime soon to see Mama and look at a few apartments in town. If you’re there… maybe we can sit down and talk.”
Walker lifted his head and looked at his surroundings. There was nothing but him and nature. So why did it feel like Benny was standing in front of him, eyes imploring and lips speaking words Walker simultaneously did and didn’t want to hear? He clenched his eyes shut. He didn’t know what the hell he wanted. He didn’t have any answers for his father because he didn’t have any for himself.
The prospect of rekindling his relationship with Benny was daunting. It was muddled with thoughts and feelings that were neither all bad nor all good. Benny was his father, and he didn’t hate him, not at all. But he couldn’t deny that the trauma he had suffered because of the man’s addiction had altered the course of his life completely. He knew his father had an illness, but everything Walker did and said and thought now were products of it. He’d never been able to escape the repercussions of Benny’s actions, but he had been able to escape the man himself. And there was something comforting about that. The type of soothing control that came with denying someone access to you.
It was a multifaceted issue, and Walker didn’t know if he had it in him to face it head-on. It was a heavy burden, and he’d never been too proud to cower when things started feeling impossible to handle. He’d thought that if he could ignore his father forever, he’d never have to confront his conflicting feelings about him. It was macabre, sure, but he figured they’d be those people who said nothing then died silently with their hearts filled with regret. But now it was becoming clear that wouldn’t be the case.
Benjamin Abbott was here, and he wasn’t going anywhere. Even if Walker did decide that he didn’t want a relationship, they’d be in the same state permanently. It might not happen immediately, but Benny would start coloring the edges of Walker’s life. Especially with him and Gram on better terms.
