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I always want her here. I want her everywhere. Next to me, on me, all the time.
Haven’t had a birthday without her in forever.
She makes them good even if she doesn’t — even if she fucks them up completely. Rather have them with her than without her.
For my seventeenth she planned for us all to go to the Royal Myconian in Mykonos. Me and her, the boys, Paili.
No Lorcan. He’d just started dating a lad from City of London and felt like it was a bad omen to miss that hallmark occasion, what with it being Valentine’s weekend. Parks did convince Arrie to chaperone the trip under the guise of a girls’ weekend though. We have the funniest photos of us at the pool bar with Parks’ mum, Jennifer Saunders, Posh and Helena Bonham Carter.
On paper, Parks and Paili shared a room and me and Jo shared a room. In reality, Paili and Jo definitely hooked up the whole duration of that trip and I stayed in Parks’ room the entire time.
Her mum never looked in once — bless her checked out soul.
We hadn’t had sex yet, me and Parks, and we’d been together seven-ish months. Done other stuff, as you do. Loved the other stuff. Huge fan.
And I don’t know why, but she was convinced that was the trip, that we were going to do it there. She’d built up to it happening on that trip. It was happening and it was going to be great.
The lingerie Magnolia packed with her was another level.
I wouldn’t say — and don’t tell her I said this — that being sexy isn’t her strongest suit. I’ve never loved her because she’s sexy, never wanted her because she’s sexy. Don’t get me wrong — she’s beautiful and ridiculous and enigmatic and I’ll be locked into her gravity til I die — but she’s not overtly sexy.
Actually, if anything, the lingerie she brought scared me a bit. Would have made a porn star blush.
“Where the fuck did you get this?” I held up a thing with a lot of straps. She didn’t think it was funny.
I dodged it for days and days. Don’t know why — maybe now I do in retrospect, but I wasn’t conscious at the time. Knew she wanted to, I wanted to too — just felt nervous about it all.
I staved her off with the other things, but on my actual birthday morning she was ready. Didn’t come out wearing a big bow but she might as well have.
The short version of this story is that it didn’t go to plan.
I said no, she locked herself in the bathroom, cried. Wouldn’t come out. Not for my birthday breakfast, not to be on the yacht she booked for us all. She was shattered. Most hurt she’d been til recent years.
First time I rejected her, I guess. Didn’t take it well. Should have learnt from it. Didn’t, quite. Getting there, though.
Pails skipped the yacht too. The story’s all downhill from there. Those two got shitfaced. The boys and I went on the boat anyway — Jo was a bit like, ‘fuck ‘em, it’s your birthday, why’s she making it about her?’ — and we had a cracker of a time with Arrie and the girls. But while we were gone, Parks and Paili wandered off to a massive night club, got more shit-faced and got themselves into some pretty dicey scenarios.
Worth saying: Paili drunk has zero inhibitions and can’t tell shit from shit. Magnolia drunk is a deer in headlights.
My deer though.
She tried calling me. Didn’t have service out on the Aegean. By the time we got back that night a bit after sundown my phone had a bunch of missed calls and texts. Called her back, but she wasn’t answering. The voicemails she’d left simultaneously got progressively more drunk and more chaotic as they went on. Could hear older men in the background. She was crying a bit. Something about Paili and a guy. Parks didn’t want to leave her — someone was trying to get the phone out of her hand.
It was fucking scary.
Grabbed the boys, dodged her mum, did tell Helena though. Surprisingly responsible, that one. Looked everywhere for them. Jo put the call out, put his mum’s people’s eyes out. Searched for a few hours.
Found her phone by chance on the side of the road — it was bad. Thought the worst for a minute there. That maybe — because we’re fated and all that star-crossed lovers shit — maybe the worst had happened.
We were by the beach, decided to just have a look in case and we found them. It was dicey as fuck. Older guys, four of them. Two on Parks, two on Pails. Parks was crying, Paili was frozen still. Both had sobered up by then, could see that on their faces. It was clear they knew they were in trouble. They were London boys, they knew who the girls were. Knew who Parks was at least.
Bit triggering for me, actually. Fucked me up. I was frozen too for half a second.
He can be dangerous when he wants to be, Jo — even when we were kids that was true. Mostly just a good time, mostly fun. Could kill you if he needed to though. I guess that’s what that life does to you.
“Oi!” Jo growled to get their attention.
Parks looked over at me — lying on the sand, body weighed down by a man who wasn’t me — and she called my name.
