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“I am,” she insisted. “I’ve never wanted anything how I want you.”
I pushed some hair behind her ears. She wasn’t ready though. And I wasn’t. I knew that. But not being ready and not wanting to, they’re not the same thing.
Neither of us were ready, but we still wanted to more than anything.
So we did it a few weeks later anyway. We went ahead and welded our fucked up little hearts together for good.
Definitely my worst birthday to date, but at least at that one I got to be with her.
One birthday, after we’d broken up and she was with Christian, I came home after a night out with the boys and there was a little die-cast DeLorean on my pillow. No card, no nothing, but I knew it was from her. We had watched Back to the Future a few nights before we broke up while she was sick in bed. She couldn’t follow the story for shit. I thought it was so funny, but she was annoyed at me, annoyed at it. “How’s a car going to be a time machine then? What an absolute crock,” she pouted at the TV.
Got it tattooed on my arm that same weekend.
At the end of tonight, Henry stands, throws his arms around me and covertly hands me a box.
“From her.” He gives me a tight smile.
I look over my shoulder, make sure no one hears me. “Tell her I didn’t know.”
“I’ll tell her.” Henry nods. Walks away.
I open the box in the bathroom at home. Lock the door, give myself a minute alone with her, even if it’s not in person. A blank card reads: I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking for a time machine. Until I find one, here’s a time keeper instead.
It’s the Vacheron Constantin’s ‘Historiques’ watch. On the back she’s engraved: On borrowed time without you.
I press my hands into my face.
Swallow the sound my body tries to make.
Fuck, I miss her.
I could end it with Jordan now. Should, I guess. I’ve spent my whole birthday thinking about the girl that she didn’t invite — but I know that girl. Know how Parks thinks, what she does when her heart’s backed up against the wall. It was the other night and she didn’t even give me a minute to fix it, she just legged it straight to Julian.
And you want to think that at this point, we’re past it — that we’re beyond the hurting each other to feel close to each other — but I don’t know.
And I don’t even want to think about what she’s doing tonight if she feels like I’ve rejected her. But I don’t need to think about it, I already know what she’s doing.
I do it too.
Bridget
8:16pm
I wasn’t invited to BJ’s birthday
What?
As if.
Jonah said Jordan planned it
You’re his best friend?
Am I
Yes
Are you ok?
