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It’s not a question, it’s a statement. One he’s not angry about it either. It’s just a fact.
I suck on my bottom lip and drop his eyes.
I sigh. “I try not to.”
He nods a little as he kind of shrugs with his chin.
“I can tell when you do.”
“Oh.” I don’t know why that makes me want to cry a bit. “Sorry—”
Julian frowns as he shakes his head.
He shrugs.
“Who do you think of?” I ask him as he stretches his arms up behind his head.
“Pretty good at staying in the moment these days—”
“You think of me?” I blink, bit chuffed.
He nods.
“All the time?” I’m surprised.
He sniffs a laugh but he doesn’t answer me.
I shift some hair behind his ear. “Have you ever been in love?”
“Can’t—” He shakes his head. “It’s why you’re here. I’m no strings.”
I rub my mouth mindlessly over his cheek. “There are some strings.”
He gives me a small smile.
“In another life I reckon I could have loved you.”
I tilt my head, looking up at him.
“In another life I would have let you.”
Julian sits up, leaning back against his desk. Pulls me with him, resting my head on his lap.
He peers down at me.
“What’s it like loving someone how you two love each other?”
I sniff a bit sadly. “Bad.”
“Bad?” He’s surprised. “Really?”
I nod. “I think so. I don’t really belong to myself anymore.”
He frowns.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean he’s in everything — everything. I’m always thinking about him and I want to know what he thinks, I want to know what he wants. And I worry about how he feels and whether he’s safe and what he’s doing.” I shake my head, feeling a bit trapped by it all. “With him I think about all the hands that have been on his body that aren’t mine—”
