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Fifty-Nine
BJ
I was fucking gutted that Parks wasn’t at my birthday.
And I know I love her. Even know that we belong together.
That should be enough.
I know it should.
But then she did exactly what I thought she’d do when she thought I rejected her.
She ran straight to Julian.
Daisy and Christian were over the other night, and Baby Haites said that she walked into her brother’s office after my birthday and him and Parks were on the floor wrapped in a blanket.
Christian kind of looked at her like ‘What the fuck?’ and I sniffed a laugh, shook my head and played it off like it didn’t feel like someone just dropped a goddamn anvil on me.
Don’t know why, it’s exactly what I expected. When I hurt her, she hurls men at me.
And I try my best not to do it, but you know, sometimes curiosity gets the better of me and I wonder about her with him like that. In that capacity. The worst is when I think about them having sex while I’m having sex.
That’s a real mind fuck.
Til then, in my head though, if I was thinking about them having sex —I don’t know why — I kind of just thought whatever they were doing, it was probably a bit quick and dirty in the back of a car or some shit. I don’t know — whatever I thought it was, it wasn’t sex that ended with them wrapped up in a fucking blanket together.
So I, once again, decide not to end it with Jordan. Because I can’t. Not til she ends it with Julian, and she should. Because Jordan’s just a war head, but Julian is a nuke. She escalated this, not me.
Me and Jords are meant to be going away. Part of my birthday present — though I’m pretty sure I paid for it myself.
It sounded like a good idea at the time… She asked me about forty-five seconds after that night where Magnolia told Julian he could take her home and put her to bed however he wanted to.
Said yes to Jordan without even thinking. Trigger response.
And now I’ve got a trip in the pipe with the wrong girl. I’m going away with a girl I don’t want to be with but can’t not be with because it turns out I’m in love with a fucking emotional terrorist.
We’re at Ametsa in Knightsbridge, everyone’s here except for Parks and Julian. They’re late. I used to be late to shit like this with her, so I know what they’re doing.
She’s so laser focused when she’s getting ready, so indifferent towards you that she gets twenty times hotter, as if that’s even fucking possible. We always had the best sex before we’d go out.
Actually, we just always had the best sex.
“Sorry we’re late,” Magnolia says, shaking her head as they walk in. “And sorry that I look so insane! We had a mishap in the car.”
“A mishap?” Julian whispers to her but I hear it. He’s smirking. Fuck him. She smacks him quiet. I hate it. Hate that she smacks him without thinking. She’s too mindless in how she is with him around her body.
Scares me.
“Anyway, my shoe broke so these are my emergency pair.”
Daisy frowns over at her. “You’re in black heels?”
“Yes.” Parks nods, wide eyed. “I know, I’m so sorry—”
Christian tilts his head, looking at her feet. “What colour should they be?”
“Ooh—” Her lips make the shape. “I don’t know... buttercream yellow, ideally. Navy would have sufficed.” She glances down, looking at the colours in her dress. “Cerulean in a pinch, I suppose.”
