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I thought about it. Yes, it seemed like a failure when I looked at how it had turned out, but I didn't really feel as bad about it as I probably should have. After all, if I hadn't gone on the show, I wouldn't have had a reason to reconnect with Kate, or a way to give her a job in the industry.
So I drew in a deep breath and told her the truth. "If I had to do it all over again, I probably would."
"But why?” She scrunched up her face in disbelief. “Nothing turned out the way you wanted."
I nodded, forcing myself to keep eye contact. "Yes, but I also wouldn't have reconnected with you and your family. And that has been worth everything to me." I only added the family part because I knew Alexis would sue me if I revealed too much and Kate just happened to want me back. But if she did happen to share my feelings, there was no amount of court fees that would keep me from going after her.
I watched Kate for her reaction, my heart racing out of my chest. I hadn't revealed all my feelings, but it kind of felt like I had.
She was quiet for a moment, her eyes shifting back and forth between mine as if trying to decipher my true meaning. "I'm glad we reconnected, too. We've missed you all these years."
Encouraged by her words, I cleared my throat and said, "I wish I hadn't thrown myself so deeply into my work after Aiden died." I studied her eyes, needing to read exactly how she reacted to what I was confessing. "I missed out on so much."
So much time wasted. So many regrets where Kate was concerned. Where would we be now if I hadn't cut myself off from her? Would she have married me instead of Nolan?
She stared at the table for a moment before peering back up at me. "What made you leave us anyway? We felt like we lost two family members instead of one."
I shook my head, my throat growing thick. "I-it was my fault that he died. If I hadn't made Aiden so mad that night, he never would have gotten into that car in the first place."
Kate’s eyes narrowed. "But it wasn't your fault, Drew."
I looked away. I couldn't watch her be so kind and forgiving of me. I didn't deserve it.
She scooted closer, leaning over so her face was inches from mine. "Look at me."
I couldn't.
She inched even closer and placed both of her hands on my cheeks, forcing my gaze to meet hers. "Listen to me carefully, because you need to hear this. It’s not your fault that Aiden died that night. He was hit by a drunk driver who had no business being on the road. Yes, he had just driven you home, but you didn't give that driver the alcohol. You didn't set him behind the wheel and tell him to chase my brother off a cliff. It was an accident. A terrible, horrific accident that stole my brother's life way too early." She sighed, and then pressed her lips together for a moment before continuing. "But it was not your fault."
"But if I hadn't kissed you…" Tears stung my eyes. I blinked them away. "If I'd done as he asked…"
She shook her head, her eyes growing softer. "That was Aiden's choice to get mad. And if that has anything to do with it, then it's just as much my fault as yours. I'm the one who cuddled up to you. I'm the one who practically begged you to kiss me. If anyone is guilty of making Aiden mad, it's me. I knew he'd told you to stay away from me. He'd told me himself plenty of times. But I still did it. It wasn't any of his business in the first place."
I sighed, my shoulders heavy with all the guilt I'd carried through the years.
"I never blamed you for Aiden's death. No one in my family did. It's time for you to stop blaming yourself, too."
I nodded, though my heart still didn't know if it could trust her to be so forgiving. But when I looked at her, I didn't see any doubt or forced kindness.
Maybe it really was possible that I'd been punishing myself for years when I hadn't needed to.
"Just think about what I said, okay? You deserve to move past this hurt and pain. I have. Yes, I miss my brother like crazy and think about him every day. But that's what loving someone will do for you. Aiden wouldn't want you to carry this guilt around. He'd want you to be happy."
"Thanks," I said, feeling a little lighter after everything she'd said. "I'll try to remember that."
"Good." She took a few sips from her water before turning back to me with a smile. "Now, are you okay to move on to something a little less serious?"
"Yes, please."
Kate put her hands on her laptop. "Okay, but I have to warn you, this is a super rough draft. Like, I haven't even finished a full draft. So, don't judge it too harshly."
"I'm sure it's great." I pushed one of her hands aside so I could see the screen. "What's this one about again?"
"It's about a girl who gets kidnapped by a guy and ends up falling for him. I think I told you about it before."
"Ah, yes.” I nodded slowly. “You did always love the forbidden romance stories, didn't you?"
Kate bit her lip like she was trying to stop an embarrassed smile from taking shape on her lips. "They're kind of a guilty pleasure of mine."
