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“Sean,” I muttered. “He and Ronnie are taking off.”
Drew asked, “You want to go? I know we just climbed up, but I don’t mind taking you—”
I shook my head. “No. I’m where I want to be. As long as you’re cool with me staying.” It was cheesy, and I knew it. To my surprise, Drew's eyes warmed as they bore into mine. He leaned back and lounged on the roof tiles while Weezer’s “El Scorcho” thrummed from his phone.
Before I leaned back and joined him, I made the decision to relax completely for the rest of the night. I turned my phone on silent and took another long swig from my bottle. As I got settled against the roof, I heard the flick of a lighter. I cocked my head at Drew as he lit up a cigarette that he took from a crumpled pack of Camels.
“You smoke?” I asked. I didn’t want to seem like I was judging him, because I wasn’t. My parents smoked, but unlike them, Drew didn’t smell like nicotine and stale smoke. And he didn’t smokeinside.
Drew inhaled deeply and held the cigarette in his fingers like a joint. He exhaled and blew the cloud out into the sky above. “I do sometimes. Mostly on nights I see shows. I like to lay back a bit.” He smiled, though it seemed a little glum. Before I could ask about it, he said, “You see that pack?” He motioned to the disheveled little box by his hip. “I’ve had it for almost a year.”
“Wow. How do you not get addicted?”
He sucked on the stick again and blew out more smoke. “Mind over matter?” he said, though it sounded like a question.
“You must not have an addictive personality,” I chuckled.
He shrugged. “It depends. Don’t get me wrong, I went through a whole phase where I smoked these religiously during my last two years of high school, but it was mostly out of boredom.”
I’d never smoked a cigarette, but something about it in between his lips was alluring. I liked how his lips formed around the small stick; how the filter stuck to his bottom lip while he spoke.
“Can I try?” I asked. Immediately, my face felt flushed with embarrassment. Maybe I shouldn’t have asked.
Drew eyed me, took one more inhale, then passed the half-smoked cigarette to me. I received it awkwardly in between my fingertips.
“Just don’t get addicted, Ash,” Drew said softly. “All good things in moderation.” He winked at me as I lifted the cigarette to my lips.
“Deal.”
I parted my lips, aware that Drew watched my every movement. I inhaled through the filter, just a little, and though I’d smoked weed before, the burn was different. On my second inhale, I was more delighted by the taste. I blew the smoke out and passed the cigarette back to Drew.
“Keep it, if you want.”
I did. I smoked it slowly and didn’t inhale too deeply. Still, I noticed a sense of calm and a delightful tingle spread through my chest after several puffs. After my last exhale, I looked at Drew with the leftover filter.
He chuckled and took it from me, then smashed the cherry on the bottom of his shoe before tucking the butt into his front pocket.
We laid like that on the roof in silence for a long time. We listened to the music Drew played on his phone, we drank, and we shared another cigarette.
My mind didn’t race with worries. I wasn’t concerned about my parents or graduation or what to do after school ended. I just was. He just was. But as calm as I felt, I still had the overwhelming urge to continue talking with Drew. I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to listen to his stories and contagious laughter. Though he was a stranger, being with Drew felt like coming home after being away for far too long.
“Can I ask something personal?” I murmured into the silence.
He chuckled. “Sure.”
I paused and put the words together in my head before I continued. “Why did you like it better when you and Emma were just friends?”
I wasn’t sure why I wanted to know the specifics of their relationship, but the question planted itself inside of me hours prior and grew until I was itching to ask.
“Ah,” Drew said quietly. “I wish I could say it was complicated, or we’d overcome some trial that had strained our relationship or…I don’t know. Something like that.” He huffed out a little bit of air through his nose and took a swig of his drink. “But when it comes down to it, I don’t share her feelings.” He swallowed hard and then looked over at me for the first time since he started talking about Emma. “We fell into something intimate because no one else was around. Or, at least, that’s how it feels to me. She’s in love with me, and I can’t return the favor.”
I pondered his words as he looked at me with glossy eyes. A worried line formed in between his brows. I didn’t know how to respond. Instead, hesitantly, I reached my arm over to him and squeezed his shoulder.
“I can’t say I’ve ever been in a similar situation,” I admitted. “I’ve never really been in a relationship.” Usually, I felt embarrassed when I told people that. “What are you going to do?”
Drew sighed and lit another cigarette. I liked the way he blew smoke out through his nose after inhaling. “I’m going to have to end it. Sooner rather than later.”
“Do you like someone else?” I pried.
