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Lizette hasn’t been by, Sean is watching the opening band with the others, and Drew hasn’t said a word to me, not even when we had our band meeting before the show.
My mind is dizzy, and my limbs are jittery. I feel lightheaded, so I force a deep breath through my nose and take my time exhaling.
I decide to change to keep myself busy. I slip the box back into my pocket and begin to get ready. At every show, I wear several layers that I gradually take off throughout our set. Tonight, I put on a ripped black tank top underneath a t-shirt covered in old spatter paint. Over that, I wear a formal, black button-down shirt. I put my usual ashen gray beanie in my back pocket and trade my Chucks for my black combat boots. In the mirror next to the vanity that sits in one corner of the room, I stare back at myself and the circles underneath my eyes. My face looks peaked; my complexion is pale. With a shake of my head, I tap at my cheeks with my hands and demand myself to snap out of it.
I’ve just taken my place back on the couch when there’s a rap on the door. Two quick knocks and three slow. It’s Drew.
“Come in.”
Drew comes in with fury written all over his painfully beautiful face. He’s freshly shaven. His wavy locks fall in his eyes and shadow them. He comes into the room and closes the door behind him. Locks it. Drew leans against the door clad in ripped-up light-wash jeans and a muscle tank that I know he will rip off once his body gets too hot during the show. He crosses his arms defensively; his biceps threaten to pop.
“You know.” There’s no way to go back in time and tell him first before he found out. “How?” My voice is barely above a whisper as I grow the courage to meet his heated eyes.
“Sean.”
Of course. I told Sean after the holidays about my plans, and he wouldn’t have known not to tell my other best friend. Why would he keep that from Drew? He probably assumed Drew knew–was the first to know. I run a shaky hand through my hair just to focus on something other than the conversation. I drop my eyes from his and feel shame and disdain for who I’ve allowed myself to become coarse through my veins.
“You’re really going to go through with it?” he asks, voice coated in poison.
When I look back up at him, it’s not fury I see. It’s pain. I feel like I’ve gutted him when all he’s ever done is raise me up, love me, and support me.
I sigh and hold my head in my hands. “I—I can wait. It doesn’t have to—”
Drew laughs coldly. “‘Doesn’t have to be now,’” he quotes. “But you’re going to do it. Right? No matter how long you wait?”
I stay silent.
“You’re living a lie, Asher,” he says. I know he’s upset by the sound of my full name on his lips. “No one can help you but you. You keep ignoring who you really are, and if you want to keep on with that, so fucking be it.” He unlocks the door and places a hand on the handle. “But you’re going to do a lot more harm than good.”
Without registering what I’m doing, I race toward him and invade his space. I snake an arm around him and lock the door again.
“You think this is easy for me?” I scoff. “You think this is what Iwant?”
Drew’s eyes cloud with more rage. “Isn’t it? If you didn’t want it, why the hell are youdoingit?”
We’re nose to nose, fuming at each other. Drew’s nostrils flare with fury. I don’t know how to make this better. I don’t know the reason behind my actions. I’ve spent years trying to come to terms with my past and who I’ve become, only to make everything around me worse.
“I don’t want this,” I breathe into him. “I’ve never wantedthis.”
I don’t know how to make him understand–don’t know how to wrap my head around it all–my deeply rooted fears, the terror, the horrible heartache I would cause by coming out.
“You have a funny way ofnotwanting it.”
We’re so close that I can feel his nose brush up against mine.
“Do you want her pussy wrapped around your cock, too? Or do you have to think about me inside of you to get off?” Drew growls.
His warm breath washes over me and I snap my eyes shut at the sting. When I look at him again, his hand flies back to the door handle, and I lunge. I grip his wrist and keep him there, not holding back any strength. He grunts in contempt, shooting daggers at me from where I’ve trapped him.
My lips slam into his. He tries to resist by turning his face away, but he can’t move. After a couple of seconds, his lips part, and his tongue slides along my bottom lip. Then, he bites down. Hard. I moan into him while he demolishes me, releasing his wrist as I do. He realizes he’s free and immediately comes back to his senses. He pushes me back and storms out of the room.
I’m left there panting. I lean forward and press my head against the door. “I’malwaysthinking of you, Drew,” I whisper as hot tears fall down my cheeks.
After a moment, I slowly make my way back to the couch and retrieve the ring from my pocket. I want to chuck it across the room. Instead, I clench the box tightly and curse at it.
I’ve decided to put the ring away and rethink the proposal because of Drew–because he’s right. About everything.
As I stand up with the ring in my hand, Lizette walks in. Her eyes immediately drop down to what I’m holding.
