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Throughout the entire show,I feel like I’m using whatever energy reserve I have left in my body just to move my lips. I want to perform and light their souls on fire. But after Lizette walked in on me and saw the ring, there wasn’t much else I could do. She rushed over to me on the couch with giddiness. I asked her the question I didn’t want to ask. She cried and slipped the ring on her finger, and the rose gold accented her skin perfectly.
It took every ounce of my willpower not to fall apart.
We agreed not to announce anything until after the show, but as I sing our chilling lyrics out into the city of Austin, there’s a boulder in my stomach and a tear in my heart. I typically dance around Drew for one of the songs, and he usually gets up and sings with me into the mic as he stands, still playing his instrument for the crowd.
I can’t bring myself to do those things tonight. I can feel his broken gaze on my back as I sing, and I want nothing more than to go back to last night. I could’ve changed everything. As much as I want to change it all now, what would I have done? Broken things off with Lizzy and abruptly told the whole world that I’ve been hiding who I am the whole time–lying to myself and to my girlfriend?
I’m a fucking coward. Always have been. Probably always will be.
Once Lizzy posts about our engagement on her heavily followed social media accounts, there’s no going back. News will travel fast. People who fantasize about us will be jealous. Fans will be ecstatic. Talk show hosts will reach out for exclusive interviews. Pictures will be scheduled and taken.
I only want Drew.
“It’s on the roof that I saw you, saw you for the first time, and it’s there I’ll stay, I’ll stay there in my mind…”I rage into the microphone as I relive the night Drew took me up to Emma’s rooftop and we smoked and drank and talked and listened to music. A tear rolls down my face as the song comes to a close. I wipe the tear away and hope no one noticed it.
After our last song, Drew doesn’t greet me in my dressing room. I know better than to try and knock on his door. What would be the point? Our long-established in between songs love session won’t happen tonight. Maybe it won’t ever happen again. A knot forms in my throat at the thought.
Lizette walks in, flushed from singing and dancing on the sidelines.
“Can we take a picture?” she asks as she points to her new ring, already sitting on her finger with a promise of permanence.
I nod and take a long swig of water. She comes over and sits beside me.
“It’s so beautiful, Ash. You have great taste.” She kisses my cheek, grooms my sweaty, messy hair, and we pose for a photo of us with her hand held up high and proud. This is the picture she will post. I can’t give the camera a genuine smile, so I lean in and kiss her cheek for our pose.
She squeals in delight and looks at the photos she’s taken. “Thanks, baby. I love you. See you after?”
I nod again. “I love you too.” She leaves me alone in haunting solitude.
After the show, Lizette posts our photo on Instagram and Twitter, then shares a video from our show and the engagement photo on TikTok. The whole world knows before I’ve even gotten a drink. I regret doing a meet and greet in Austin, and it has nothing to do with the fans.
Sean, Brian, and Trish laze about in total bliss, unaware of the storm brewing between me and Drew. I sip on a strong vodka soda and watch as Drew takes a shot at the table with the liquor.
“I hear congrats are in order?” Brian asks cheesily. Trish smiles, but it’s insincere.
“Yeah, man. Congrats,” Trish says out of obligation and nothing else. “You’re a lucky man.”
A cough comes from where Drew stands, but he doesn’t say anything. He takes another shot. I try my best to ignore him and look at my phone instead.
Except my phone is the worst place to look and scrolling through the thousands of comments on Lizette’s post has my throat closing up and my vision blurring.
Took him long enough! Such a lovely couple, xoxo.
Not fair! Not fair at all. Ash was supposed to be MY future husband!
Omg please have babies. They’ll be gorgeous.
!!!!!!!!!
When’s the wedding?!!
I exit out of my apps and lock my phone as I hear the slam of another shot on the table.
