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“Leo?”
I lifted my head to see Keith in the space Connie had just vacated.
“I thought you could use one of these.”He held out two cups of coffee.“And a friend.”
I nodded.I’d never been happier to have someone ignore my request to be alone.“Thank you, Keith.”I took the cup he handed me and popped the top.
Black.Just the way I needed it.
“I’ve never been married,” Keith said after a moment.“And I don’t have any kids.None of my own, anyway,” he amended quickly.“But if you think it’ll help to talk, I’m here to listen.”
I nodded again.If he’d asked me when we’d first brought Lexi in and they’d whisked her away, I would have said no.But something about the nurse walking away, leaving me with more questions than anyone had answers for, had changed things.
I was silent for another moment and sipped at the hot brew.It was strong and bitter and absolutely perfect.“You know this will be the fourth time we’ve tried to have another baby?”
“No.”Keith shook his head.“I didn’t know.”
“I thought we were going to quit trying,” I continued.“I wanted to quit.I know how bad she wanted another baby, but I couldn’t keep doing it.It’s too hard.To watch the woman you love get her hopes raised and then subsequently destroyed in such a cruel fashion...”I shook my head.“It’s too much.I couldn’t do it anymore.Especially because I know she was doing it for me.”
I swallowed hard, letting the words settle on the air.I’d never spoken the thought aloud.It tasted sour on my tongue.
“She did it for you?”
I nodded.“Lexi would never say so, but I know she felt guilty that I’d missed out on Ben’s early years.”
“Because of—”
“The whole not knowing I had a child thing,” I finished for him with a wry grin.There was no bitterness about the past.Our lives had been star-crossed in the beginning, and fate, or maybe it was destiny, brought us back together, but neither of us dwelled on the lost time.“But it didn’t matter.”
“You didn’t want another child?”Keith asked the question innocently enough, but for me it was loaded.
Of course I did.I wanted more than anything to see our family grow.To watch Lexi’s body change with the life we created inside.I wanted to be that dad who got up in the middle of the night to get the baby and bring her back to her mother.I wanted to push a stroller, change diapers, hear her first word.All of it.Of course I wanted it.
But I wanted the family I already had even more.I wanted us whole and well and watching the way Lexi broke a little bit more with each lost pregnancy...it wasn’t worth it.I told Keith as much.
He nodded as if he understood, but I know he didn’t.How could he?I could only understand a fraction of the heartache that Lexi went through.
My heart squeezed in my chest and I forced myself to take another sip of the bitter coffee to keep focused.“I’m not doing it again.”I shook my head.The thought came quickly with a ferocity I could hardly contain.But I knew it was right.“I won’t do it.I won’t put her through this again.After this time...no more.”I jumped up from my chair again.Unable to sit still, I paced around the room again, counting steps as I went.
“You don’t know how it’s going to end, Leo.”
It was true.I didn’t.“Based on past history, I—”
“Leo.”Keith stood and blocked my path.He was so close, I could feel his breath as he stared me dead in the eye and repeated himself.“You don’t know how it’s going to end.Wait for the doctor to do his work.”
“You don’t under—”
“Wait.”He straightened, boring into me with his gaze.“For the doctor.To do.His work.”
I turned and slumped into a chair.The energy oozed from my body.“You’re right.”
“I know.”
I shot Keith a look.
“Seriously,” he said.“Just wait.There’s no point in making plans or thinking about any scenarios until you know something.You’ll only make yourself crazy.”
He had a point.But there was one other point that popped into my head the moment Lexi was wheeled away from me in the strange hospital, surrounded by unfamiliar nurses and doctors.We should have been at home.In the mountains.With the doctor who knew her history, who had cared for her through all the other miscarriages.We should be closer to our friends who are like family.
