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“It would help my writing and my career, tremendously. Once the book is published, they would help with marketing it, including going back to Berlin to do a book tour. It’s a once in a lifetime opportunity. I would be a fool to pass this up,” I said.
“Yet, you didn’t say yes to the Dean when she called and told you. Why?”
Faith wasn’t being judgmental by her comment. She wasn’t trying to persuade me one way or the other. She was stating a fact and by doing so, getting me to talk to her more about what I was thinking of feeling.
My first instinct had been to tell Dr. Holmstrom, yes. Of course, I would take the fellowship. I would be a fool not to, as she all but implied. Past recipients had gone on to become successful and award-winning writers. It was just what I needed to kick start my career, and if I wanted to be taken seriously as a writer this was one of the fastest and easiest ways to do that.
But I hadn’t said yes to her. I had held back, and I knew there was only one reason why. MacKinlay Bennett.
“It would be idiotic of me to not take it.”
“And you are not an idiot,” Faith stated.
“Thank you. Yet, as you said, I didn’t say yes to her on the phone.”
“Do you know why?”
“Are you going to tell me if I don’t?”
“Oh, I think you know exactly why you didn’t. I’m just trying to figure out how wise it is that you’re having trouble deciding.”
“It’s too soon. I would have to leave in less than a month. I would be gone while you’re pregnant. I wouldn’t be around to help you out and be here when the baby is born.”
“There is this wonderful invention called a plane. We might even have access to a few private ones. I’m sure we can figure out a way for you to be around when this kiddo is born, and then you could stick around for a while after. Plus, you don’t need to be here right away. The kid won’t do anything but burp, sleep and poop all day long. By the time you come back, it’ll be way more interesting and fun to be an aunt.”
“And Mary will have grown and changed so much while I’m gone. How can I miss that?”
“She can come and visit you and we’ll call and video chat and keep in touch in so many other ways. You won’t miss out on anything. It’s only a year. It isn’t the rest of your life. Though it could be a great start to it.”
“Here I thought you weren’t going to persuade me one way or the other.” I said and looked down at my wine glass.
“I’m only giving you answers to your excuses that you’re giving me. They are only that, excuses. Yes, we will miss you. Yes, it will suck that you will be gone, but we will get over it. We will survive. The question is will you?”
“That’s the million-dollar question. I’ve never really been away from home. I don’t even speak German. How would I get around? I don’t have a license. I really shouldn’t be learning how to drive in a foreign country.”
“I’m sure you aren’t the first person to have those questions and I would imagine there’s someone who could help you out. From what I remember, Berlin has excellent public transit. I don’t think you would even need to have a car, much less a license. If you have to go somewhere, you can hire someone to take you. Having a guide with you might be a good thing to get a better feel of the place and the history. Did they say where you would be staying?”
“I would have assigned housing near the university but not on campus. Which would make going to and from school and the library easy. I’m not the first person to do this, I know it can work out. I’m not sure if I’m ready or want to do it.”
“Because of Mac,” Faith finished.
“I never said that.”
“You haven’t denied it either. You two have gotten very close in the last month. It’s understandable that he would be a consideration in your decision. My question is, how much of a consideration is he?”
“If I were to do this, we would have to break up. I’m not going to do the long-distance thing, nor would I expect him to. Plus, we just started dating. It would be ridiculous of me to even ask him.”
“You think you have to choose between a man you are falling in love with and the future you think you two can have or the career you want to have.”
“It’s stupid to even be thinking like that. The choice is clear,” I said.
“Is it?” Faith asked. “I get that you want and should have a career. But there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with a man, especially one as great and as into you as Mac is. You can find a way to have him and still write your book. It might be a little bit harder, but I know you could do it.
“There isn’t anything that’s saying that you and Mac couldn’t make it work. You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you and being apart from someone for a year isn’t the end of the world. I can see how much Mac cares about you and he wouldn’t want to hold you back. If you wanted to do this, he would support you. He has access to some great planes and knowing him he would find a way to be in Berlin in order to be with you.”
“Thanks. That really helped clear things up,” I said with a smirk.
“The decision has to be yours. Whatever it is. I’m just helping you to see all the options you have, and you do have options. I worry that you’re going to sell yourself and Mac short. I don’t want you to not go and then resent him later because you didn’t. But I don’t want you to go and risk losing the man you’re falling in love with.”
