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Understanding that was easy, trying to explain that to anyone was next to impossible. Anytime I tried, I was immediately shut down or given a thousand excuses as to why there wasn’t anything to worry about and what fun I would have. It helped me feel a bit better that maybe the concerns were in my head and as soon as I got to Berlin, I would be happy that I went. It didn’t get me any closer to actually deciding to do it.
I hadn’t told Mac about the fellowship. I wasn’t sure what I would do, and I stood firm with what I said to Faith in that I didn’t want him to influence me anymore than my parents, my sisters, or friends already were. I wasn’t sure what he would say. I could see him both being supportive and telling me that I needed to go and that we would work it out and saying I should go but that we were through if I did. I couldn’t and wouldn’t blame him if he did either. The one thing I knew was that he would want me to go and he would support me. It was just that sort of man.
Yet, even as I knew that Mac would never tell me not to go, a part of me wished that he would. If he did then it would make it easier for me to stay. I could use him as an excuse. No one could blame me for wanting to stay with a man that I was involved with. A sexy, rich, wonderful man who made me feel special. Though, I knew that everyone would think I was an idiot for doing it, especially my parents, and it wasn’t fair to put that on Mac or our relationship.
Which was why I didn’t tell him.
He had taken me to dinner and a movie the other night. We had gone to a quaint Mexican restaurant before going to see an independent film I had told him I was interested in seeing but hadn’t been able to find. He had not only figured out where it was playing but had gotten us tickets before it sold out. It was such a simple thing, but it meant the world to me. He was always doing such kind and caring things for me it took my breath away. I wanted more of that, I wanted more of him, but I wasn’t sure how fair it was to keep seeing him if I was leaving.
If I didn’t go, I didn’t want him to think that he was the reason I stayed. I didn’t want him or our relationship to have that kind of pressure. I figured if I decided to go, I would tell him about it and if I didn’t, he never needed to know. It seemed like a solid plan, except it didn’t help me to decide what to do.
I was sitting at my desk researching food in Berlin when there was a loud knock on my door. Normally, the doormen would let me know if someone was there. That they didn’t tell me the person had snuck in or the doormen knew who was there and didn’t see the need to tell me.
Either way I was a bit cautious as I went to the door and asked who it was. The banging wasn’t how anyone that I knew would knock on my door.
“Who’s there?” I asked slowly.
“Hope. It’s me. Can I come in?” Mac asked.
“Mac?” I asked as I opened up the door. “It’s the middle of the day. Is everything okay?” Mac had never come by so early and certainly not on a workday. It was one of the things I admired most about him. He might not need to work but he wanted to, and he took it seriously. Also, I felt he respected me by giving me time in the day to do what I needed to do and not disturb me.
“Yes. Everything is great. Wonderful. Amazing,” he said as he walked into my living room, giving me a quick absentminded kiss on the cheek as he walked by me.
“I’m glad to hear. Did something happen or is this just a natural state?”
“Everything became clear to me today, in a way that I never thought was possible. And it’s all because of you,” he said.
“Me?”
“Yes. You. Wow. You look incredible.”
I looked down at the ratty gym shorts and loose-fitting tank top. There was nothing incredible about what I was wearing or how I looked.
Mac walked towards me with a look of pure lust. It was almost predatory in nature and sexier than any look he had ever given me. I smiled up at him as he cupped my face in his hands and started to bring his face towards mine. I reached up and gripped his biceps and tilted my head to his. We were inches from kissing and my mind started to figure out where we could go when he let out a frustrated groan and stepped away from me.
“You’re one hell of a distraction. we’ll get back to that later, but first, I want to tell you something.”
“Okay, what is it?” I asked and sat down on my couch.
Mac gave me a look as if he was trying to decide if he could take me on the couch, but he shook his head and started pacing in front of me. I watched him, transfixed. I had never seen him with so much pent-up energy. He was always so cool and calm about everything. It was unnerving and made me wonder just what revelation he had come to.
“My entire life I’ve always put everyone else above myself. I’ve made sure that Walker and Bailey were okay, even JD at times, but he really didn’t need anyone looking after him. It took some time for me to see that Bailey was fine and that Walker never asked for it. I even put the company and the family’s needs over my own.
“I was okay with it. It was my own doing. No one made me do it. No one said that was how it was supposed to be. It just was. I thought it was what I needed to do as the oldest. I was happy to step aside for Walker so that he could be head of the company, even if I got a lot of flak from people. I took it because I didn’t want the job and he did, and it was right for the company.
“I like being a part of public relations. I wanted to be the one who decided the narrative of the family. I wanted to know what was being said and how it was being said so that I could protect them. It took me a long time to see that I couldn’t always protect them, and they didn’t need me to. I started to see they didn’t need me as much as I thought they did.”
“Your family is always going to need you and want you in their lives,” I said.
It made me ache to think that he didn’t think his family wanted him around. I hated to think he didn’t see the good and how much he had done for his family or how much they appreciated and needed him. I didn’t want to think I might have had anything to do with him thinking and feeling that way.
“I know. I love them and will always be there for them if they need me. I need to do something for myself. Something that I never thought I would ever do.”
“Okay, what is that?”
Mac stopped pacing and looked at me as he said, “I want to run away from home.”
The idea was so absurd I couldn’t help but laugh. I quickly stopped as soon as I saw the look on Mac’s face.
