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He squared his shoulders. “You better believe it. Now I’ve shown you mine, perhaps you could show me yours? Tell me where I stand with you, Polly?”
She stared down at her feet. The silence stretched on for what seemed like forever. Then she said, “Last night I realised you’d got to me.” She spread her hands wide in a helpless gesture. “Okay. I’ll admit it. I let myself feel too much for you.”
“How can you feeltoo much?”
“Ican.” Her arms swung back and hugged around her waist again. He had to work hard not to reach for her. She looked so lost, bleak. “And you know what I finally worked out? The only way I can be happy is to be on my own. The only way I can control this is to not let my emotions get involved. Just. Not. Feel that stuff for someone.”
“Seriously? You counsel people for a living—you work with feelings every day. How can you believe you can justnotfeel?”
Her smile was brittle. “I’ve done it brilliantly for years. I live off everyone else’s feels vicariously. I—I can’t take what it does to me. Inside. Feeling like my happiness depends on someone else. It messes me up big-time.”
“So, what you’re really saying is you’re not prepared to risk it. To make yourself vulnerable enough to care about someone.”
He eyeballed her, but all he got was the top of her head.
Finally she said in a small voice, “What we had was fun, Solo, okay? End of story.”
“Was?” His voice was hoarse. “Past tense.”
“Yeah, past tense. Seeing you with Emma, realising you had such a long-term relationship with her, I—I realised, I’m just not capable of that, you know, and even if I was, I can’t cope with the fact it will turn to shit. Which it inevitably will. For me, caring for someone always turns to shit.”
“Blocking off your feelings won’t work,” he hurled at her. “It won’t protect you from getting hurt.”
“Just watch me.”
“It doesn’t work.”
“I told you, it works for me.”
Rage was gnawing at his chest now, biting chunks out of his heart. He was bleeding out from gaping invisible wounds. She was willing to just discard them like some useless, soiled rag.
He hardened his bones. Braced his ribs as if fending off blows. “Seems like you and I are not on the same page then. Because despite losing my girlfriend to my best mate, despite losing my parents and my nan and pop, you know what? I’m willing to keepfeeling.I’m willing to keep believing there is someone special out there who I can spend my life with, who I can love and who will love me back.” He laughed, a harsh, bitter sound. “For a brief moment in time there, I thought it might be you.”
She smiled, but it didn’t touch her eyes. “Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you,” she said, “but it’s not.”
