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I’m feeling oddly vulnerable, a little rattled, and more than ready for bed when I open our apartment door to see Sawyer playing tonsil hockey with someone on the couch. They don’t even notice I’ve come in until I slam the door behind me, and they both jump.
“Hey, Angel,” Sawyer says, but he doesn’t take his eyes off the other girl as he says it. Apparently, he only has eyes for the woman currently glaring daggers in my direction. I’m planning to go straight to the bathroom but pause when I see his phone faceup on the coffee table. His eyes flit guiltily toward it, and I know. I know he ignored my call. But still, I need proof.
I call his number, and his ringtone rings loud in the otherwise quiet space, the screen lighting up as I walk closer. When I end the call, the number three is in brackets beside my name. Something so trivial, but it rips my chest apart. He ignored me. For this girl. Who’s not me.
“Wait,” Sawyer pleads as I continue to the bathroom, but I don’t want him to explain. I know it’s selfish to expect him to drop everything when I need him, but he always has. And now I’ve ruined everything by trying for something more than he’s willing to give, something that he’s always made clear he wasn’t up for. I shower, wash my face, and try to hold it together as I wrap a towel around myself and cross the living space to my bedroom. Sawyer is on his feet as soon as the bathroom door opens, his friend seemingly excused.
“Harlow.” The anguish in his voice makes me feel even worse. He shouldn’t feel bad for this situation. It’s all my fault. I deserve this.
“Can we not, Sawyer? It’s fine, really. Everything’s okay. I’m super tired.”
I don’t wait for a response, instead seeking refuge in my room and locking the door behind me for the first time since we moved in together. After getting into bed, I curl up and cry for my stupid heart that has a space made just for Sawyer—a space that’ll never be filled. And the fact that it could’ve been—it was—filled in another way, but I fucked it all up by telling him how I really felt. I knew I shouldn’t. I knew it the whole time, but I kept making mistakes until I finally made the one big enough for him to push me aside. I guess he hasn’t thrown me away yet, but he’s chosen someone else, and that hurts so much that he might as well have. I can feel the physical separation like a living thing between us.I’ve lost him already.
