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Chapter 21
No True Gentleman
If Alicia spent the previous days sleepwalking, now she felt as though she had been plunged into a barrel of cold water. Mary-Anne suggested she go ahead and speak with Laurence first, and Alicia had not even offered token resistance to this suggestion.
Her bare feet flew down the stairs, sure and true, and for the first time since she could remember her mind was empty. Empty of imaginings, of what-ifs and worst-case scenarios—empty even of expectation of what awaited her just a few feet away. All she felt in her mind was the wordless drive that carried her out the door, across the yard, and toward the open barn door.
Barely taking a breath in her short run across the farmyard, Alicia gasped as she stepped across the threshold into the dim barn. She could hardly believe it, but there was Laurence, right in front of her, looking up at her with eyes that were wide and full of tears as he stopped in the middle of pulling the saddle off poor beleaguered Robinson. The pale orange light of a lantern flickered across the straw-covered floor, the clouds of dust kicked up by the horse giving this familiar setting the glint of the faerie kingdom. In truth, Alicia felt as she looked upon this man she had not seen in nearly a week, the unearthly glow suited him, and she felt herself falling in love with him all over again in a single heartbeat.
“Alicia?” asked Laurence. And with that one word, she felt her newfound resolve dissipate once more, and she dissolved into a cloud of tears as she flung herself into his arms.
“Oh, Laurence!” she cried, wrapping her arms around his solid frame. All the desperation she had bottled up inside her, all the despair at never getting to see him again was released in a storm of tears as she pressed herself against his strong chest.
Though she did not feel him move in response, words came out of Alicia like a torrent—somehow she was fearful that if she left them unsaid, he would vanish once more before she got the chance to say them. “I love you, Laurence,” Alicia spoke through her tears. “I never wanted to leave here. I want to stay by your side for my entire life.”
Through the haze of tears, she heard herself continue to talk there on the dusty floor of the barn. She told him all about how she arrived home in London and immediately realized she could not bear to be apart from him. About how she had raced back to Dunwood the very next day only to find him missing and how she and Mary-Anne had been so worried, but now that he was back everything would be all right, forever and always. Eventually, her words were reduced to stark, wordless sobs of emotion that echoed from the rafters and hushed the usual animal hubbub of the Gillingham barn.
Then, all in a rush, she felt a chill run down her spine.Something is wrong,she thought as the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end. Laurence’s arms were still stiffly at his sides, his posture straight and muscles clenched beneath his thin white shirt. He spoke not a word.
She released him, stepping back to see a strange, wary look in his eyes, as though she had knifed him in the stomach rather than bared her soul to him.
“What’s wrong?” asked Alicia, suddenly shot through with fear. “Laurence, what is it?”
“Alicia, what…” For the first time since Alicia had met him, Laurence looked positively unwell. His eyes were wide, chin shaking as he stammered, “What…are you doing here?”
“I…Laurence, I came back here foryou,” said Alicia, her hands resting atop her heart as though to ensure it would continue to beat. She blinked, unable to fathom why he was reacting in such a way.
Setting the lantern carefully on the floor, Laurence stepped away and began pacing the floor, running a hand through his hair and fighting to draw a deep breath.The man looks as though he has been visited by a spectre rather than the woman he loves,thought Alicia blankly.
“I went to London after you,” said Laurence in a lost, forlorn voice, as if speaking from the bottom of a well. “I rode with the morning light the very next day.”
“I know!” Alicia interjected, nodding enthusiastically. “Mary-Anne told me that—”
Her words died on her tongue as she saw the look Laurence shot her now. He had never looked at her like this before, but the meaning was unmistakable. And so Alicia held her tongue, fighting the tears from flooding her eyes as she watched Laurence continue to pace.
“When at last I found your home, I went inside and spoke with your sister.” Laurence shook his head, his lip curling bitterly. “She told me you were there, but you would not see me.”
“No,” Alicia mouthed, afraid to give voice to her denial lest she upset him further.
The dancing shadows of the lantern cast a ghastly yellow mask over Laurence’s features. With his eyes wide and haunted, he continued, “She told me you were looking forward to forgetting all about what had happened, to getting back to your normal life. She told me you were entertaining marriage proposals from gentlemen in London, from a…a Mister Woodruff, most recently. She told me you do this kind of thing all the time, that you ‘play at love’ with men you have no intention of being with.”
Then Laurence stopped and raked his hand against his cheek in grief. “And do you know what else? She told me someone like me would never, ever be acceptable for a woman of your standing. As I should have known all along, I suppose, had I not been too ignorant and uncivilized to think of it.”
He stopped there, his breath catching in his throat. Alicia could see that whatever wounds had been left in him days before were now reopened painfully before her, and as she unconsciously stepped forward to offer him a comforting embrace, Laurence’s arm shot out to stop her.
Grace!she thought, teeth gritted hard enough to hurt.What have you done?
“And so I…I left.” Laurence’s shoulders slumped at this, as though bearing a great weight atop them.
He began pacing once more, ignoring the nervous whinny he provoked from one of the horses. “I did not know what to do. So I wandered. I rode, and when Robinson could not carry me any longer, I walked. For hours and hours, I walked. Sometimes I slept under a tree or in a ditch, and when I woke I walked again. I did not know where I was going—all that I knew was that I did not need to be much of anywhere, and that the thought of returning to where I had fallen in love with you was something I could not bear. I thought as long as I walked I would not need to think about how horrible I felt.”
Then Laurence shot her a betrayed look, one that Alicia felt herself wither under. “I would have fought for you, Alicia,” he said between clenched teeth. “I went to that terrible city to do just that. But I cannot fightyou. And to think that what we shared, what I felt for you was…just a game?”
At this accusation, Alicia felt her indignation boil over into a fuming rage. “Oh, that horrible sister of mine!” she whispered. “If I ever see her again…”
But just as her fist clenched in anger once more, Alicia felt a strange calm come over her. “Laurence,” she said in an even tone. She waited for him to look up at her before continuing, and fixed her stare right at his red, watery eyes. “I do not know why, but Grace lied to you.”
He uttered a sound of exasperated disbelief, rolling his eyes, but Alicia persisted. “She lied, Laurence. About all of it. You can see for yourself, can’t you? She told you I was still in London, after all, but I have been here nearly five days waiting for you. Mary-Anne, Dennis, James…ask anyone, they will tell you.”
