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BEAU
Where the hell was I? The last thing I remember was going under the water and realising that actually, I really hadn’t wanted to die. I vaguely remembered a shout, someone calling my name, but I had no recollection of who it had been or who had pulled me from the water.
Yet here I was, lying in this bed, feeling far too hot and confined.
“Hey, you’re back.” I turned towards the familiar voice and looked straight into the eyes of my best friend, Ziggy.
He didn’t look happy, and I didn’t blame him. I’d promised I wouldn’t try anything, but here we were, our roles reversed.
“So what happens now?” He was pissed with me.
“I’m not sure. I’ve not spoken to anyone, so…” My throat was sore, and it hurt to speak.
“Marc says you’ll need to speak to someone. We asked you to do that months ago, and you promised, Beau. You fucking promised me. You said you wouldn’t do anything.” Tears rolled down his face, and I felt terrible for what I’d done.
“Tell me why you did it. Why the fuck would you do something like that? I can’t tell you how mad I am at you right now, and poor Kwan, he’s been out of his mind with worry.”
It all started to come back to me. Pictures of Kwan kissing another man. He had no right to be out of his mind with worry. I was nothing to him.
“I don’t want to see him.” I didn’t want to have this conversation with him.
“Why not? Did you do this because of him? Because of Kwan?” Ziggy’s voice rang out in the sterile room.
“Not entirely. I don’t want to talk about it either.” I turned away, hoping that would deter him, but he carried on.
“I wish you could have just come talk to me. Told me what was wrong.”
“I tried, but you didn’t answer your phone, and then everything just went to shit.”
“So shit that you tried to top yourself? Fucking hell, Beau.”
Before he could say anything more, a nurse came in to check my vitals and remove some of the blankets.
“Now, how are you feeling, young man? I would imagine you’re warmer than you were. Quite the popsicle you were when you came in. Happy to see you’ve got some colour to those cheeks.
“I’ve got a warm drink here for you, and I want you to drink it all up, and then someone from the evaluation team will come see you for a chat. Are you up for that?”
I knew this was the right step. I’d tried to manage this on my own for so long. Carried the guilt of my parents’ death, of Megan’s drug addiction, of my own failures when it came to men, and I’d turned it into something that was hurting me, had hurt me. It was time for me to find myself, find the real Beau and that had to start here.
“I am.” She patted my hand, raising the bed and handing me a cup of hot tea.
“Good, that’s really good, Beau. I’ll let them know.” She left the room, just Ziggy and me sitting here, tension filling the room.
“You’re really going to do this now? Talk to someone.” He looked at me with pleading in his eyes.
“Yeah, I need to get better, not just for me but for Megan too. When I’m more… Well, when I’m more me, I can get her the help she needs too.”
“And what about Kwan? Why don’t you want to see him?”
I debated telling him after saying I didn’t want to talk about it, but he was my friend and he needed to know.
“There was a picture of him kissing another man. How can he want to be with me when there’s someone else?”
“Not the impression Marc and I got. He saved you. He was the one that dragged you from the water before Marc even got there. And the way he’s talked about you, how upset he’s been? Nah, mate. Something’s not right there.” He looked at me closely, seeing how exhausted I was. “You’re tired. I’ll leave you to rest. You look like you need it, and I have to get back home. I have to cook later, and you know how that goes.”
I didn’t want to think about what Ziggy had said about Kwan saving me. Why the hell had he been there?
I slept after he left, still exhausted from my near-drowning, thinking about Kwan. I was woken by another nurse, this time accompanied by a guy wearing jeans and a grey polo shirt, a blue lanyard around his neck.
