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KWAN
I’d expected his response. Ziggy had already warned me he didn’t want to see me. I don’t know how it happened, but someone had sent Beau a photograph of Kasem kissing me. How the hell they’d got his number, I had no idea.
I remembered the night it had happened. We’d just finished a gig. It had gone brilliantly, and we’d come off stage on a total high. Alan was over the moon, clapping us on the back, congratulating us all. We’d nailed every dance routine, hit every note, and I was exhausted and dying for a piss. I’d downed a couple of bottles of water on stage and had made my way down a dimly lit corridor to find the men’s room.
As I made my way back to the dressing room, I’d been pushed against a wall, arms thrown around my neck and a kiss planted on my lips. I’d pushed them away, not seeing the tell-tale flash of a mobile phone camera until the last moment. At that point, I’d realised who it was. I should have known by the height.
The band had argued that night, almost breaking up, but Alan had stepped in, speaking to us both about the incident. Kasem said he’d just thrown his arms around my neck, that adrenaline had made him do it. He looked at me, daring me to contradict him, a self-satisfied smile on his face.
I couldn’t be arsed to argue. I just wanted to speak to Beau. I’d been worrying all week and was too tired to kick up any more of a fuss. So I’d gone back to the hotel and tried to sleep, still unable to contact Beau. The following morning, I’d decided to go find him. It was unusual for him to ignore me for so long even though it had only been four days.
The emotions I’d been through since coming home, seeing him go under the water… It still gave me nightmares. I needed to explain, though, and if he decided it wasn’t worth it, then I’d walk away back to the band and carry on with my life.
“I know you’re mad at me, Beau, and from what Ziggy’s told me, you have every right to be, but please, let me just explain.”
I expected him to walk out but I could see the look of determination on his face, waiting for a slap that never came.
“You’d best fucking explain, and if I don’t think it’s good enough, you can walk out that door and we’re done. Do you understand?”
I rubbed my cheek, feeling the sting. I just hoped he believed me.
I hadn’t heard Ziggy or Marc come into the house, but they must have at some point. Ziggy led Beau into the kitchen to sit at the table, indicating I sit on the other side.
Marc placed tea in front of us both, and I took that as my cue to start talking.
I watched Beau’s face as I explained what had happened, from me losing my phone to the stupid kiss, all the while looking for some sort of acceptance from him.
He listened, not saying a word until I was done.
“How did you know where to find me?” He looked at me softly from across the table.
“You told me a few weeks ago that if I ever I couldn’t find you, to go to the beach and you’d be there. So that’s what I did.”
I looked down, shaking my head, tears threatening to fall again as once again the image of him slipping below the water played through my mind like a movie.
“I thought I was too late.” I scrubbed my eyes. “I thought I’d lost you.”
I felt his hand touch my face, and I glanced up, looking into his eyes. They were as full of tears as mine were, and I grabbed his hand, bringing it to my lips to kiss his palm.
“God, Beau. If I hadn’t been able to save you, there would have been no point. No point at all. I keep thinking about what would have happened if I couldn’t have got to you in time, if I’d taken my eyes off you for one moment, you’d have been gone forever. I refused to let that happen.
“I’m not leaving without telling you exactly how I feel for you, and then, I’ll leave you with it for a while. You’ve been through so much that I didn’t see signs I should have seen. I let you down, Beau. I won’t do that again. Being away from you, not being able to see you, talk to you, made me realise that you’re the first person who has ever made me feel this way. If we only last a few months or a few years, I can’t let you go.”
“I understand, Kwan. Understand what you’re saying, and I think I will need a few days to take that all in. I believe you about the picture. After what you’ve told me before about Kasem and his arrogance, I get it. I can never tell you how grateful I am for saving me. I realised as I went under that it wasn’t what I wanted, but at the time, I just wanted to end it all.
“I don’t want to go into it all now. I’ve talked enough with a psychologist over the past few days, feeling like my life has been laid out in front of me. I need some time just to think it all through. I’ll call you when I’m ready, when I’ve had time to heal a little.” His sad smile spoke volumes and I knew I had to give him the time he needed.
I knew what he was saying. It was a lot for me to expect him to take me straight back, knowing what he’d been through, what he’d experienced, and I was just grateful that he’d allowed me to explain. I couldn’t ask for anymore.
I stood, not wanting to overstay my welcome. I’d go home and wait for his call. If it didn’t come, I’d lick my wounds and get on with my life without my beautiful Beau. I just had to hope he’d call me. I’d come running as quickly as I could.
I was surprised when Beau stood too and stepped towards me, slipping his arms around my waist. He’d lost weight. Not quite skin and bone, but I could feel it; I’d held him so many times.
He rested his head against my shoulder, and I kissed his forehead. I hoped this wasn’t the last time we’d be here, but I just had to go with hope in my heart that finding Beau wasn’t the last thing I did for him.
* * *
BEAU
