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The next few days were difficult for me. I was having flashbacks, nightmares where Kwan didn’t save me and I sank deeper into the cold, dark water. I’d wake, thrashing around in the bed, sweat soaking the sheets and each morning, I’d see the sympathetic looks of Ziggy or Marc as they served me my breakfast.
I insisted I was well enough to get my own, but each time, I got told to sit down and shut up, be grateful they liked me. Well, in Ziggy’s case, I got told to sit the fuck down and shut up. That was Ziggy, though, always to the point.
On the third day, he sat in front of me, a pointed look on his face.
“When are you going to call him?” he asked, sipping his coffee.
“Call who?” I sat back in my chair, knowing exactly who he meant.
“Don’t play cute with me. It might work with others, but it doesn’t with me.”
I debated letting him know how I was feeling and remembered Nathan’s words telling me to talk to people, let them in, that bottling it all up was what had got me where I was just over a week ago.
“I’m scared. Scared to commit, scared to put myself out there, scared to let him in. What if a few months down the road, he decides I’m a complete lunatic and leaves me?”
“Jesus, Beau. You really are stupid sometimes. I’ll not sugar-coat things for you. I’ll tell you straight every time. Marc says I have to tread carefully around you but fuck that. That guy loves you, and if you don’t see that… Well, you need to open your eyes. He stayed here for a couple of days after you know, your…incident. He was heartbroken, devastated, and he was constantly asking Marc if he had any news.”
“He’d just pulled me out of the water. Of course he’d be devastated.”
“It was more than that. Do you think I don’t recognise love when I see it? Marc and I, we were just the same. Dancing around our feelings for a few months until we decided that actually, we were meant to be together. I get that some said it was a saviour complex, but it was never that. I knew from the moment I saw him he was it for me. I was attracted to him, not just to his looks but the man inside, the man who refused to let me go. I see that in Kwan, and I think you should give him that chance.”
Ziggy stood from the table, clearing the dishes and loading them into the dishwasher. He’d given me something to think about, and as he went upstairs to get ready for the day, I realised he was right.
I’d been attracted to Kwan the first time I saw him, all those months ago when he appeared at Whispers. Those first few dates had been perfect, and the more I’d seen him, the more I’d fallen for him until I’d done what I thought I’d never do and fallen in love with him. When that had happened, I didn’t know. What I did know was that if I wanted to get better, I needed to do it for me and for him too. I was worth it; he was worth it.
We were worth it.
I dashed up the stairs, finding Ziggy in the room he shared with Marc, standing with the phone in his hand.
“Come to your senses, I see,” he said, handing me the phone.
I dialled Kwan’s number, my fingers shaking with nerves. What if he didn’t want to see me? What if he’d decided I wasn’t worth it?
I needn’t have worried. He was eager to come see me and Ziggy said he’d go collect him from the station. I’d need to go get ready.
He arrived a couple of hours later, his blue hair recently dyed, now as bright as when I first saw him. He looked just the same, and I fell for him all over again. I offered him a seat on the sofa, sitting on the large footstool in front of him.
I felt nervous again, like I did on our first date, but things needed to be said. I needed to know he’d be here for me, else this wasn’t going to work.
“So, I don’t want to go into the whys and wherefores of why I did what I did, not right now anyway. I still have a long way to go, probably a lot of therapy in my future. I have an appointment with the Community team later this week to discuss my next treatment. I’m hoping it’s not pills. I don’t want to end up the same as Megan.”
He leaned forward, placing his hand on my knee, and I swallowed. This was harder than I thought, but I could see Ziggy in the kitchen, listening, making sure I didn’t fall again.
“I’ve thought a lot about what you said, discussed things with Ziggy and with Marc, and they both made me realise that actually, I need you, Kwan. I want you with me to help me get through this. I don’t know if that’s what you want. I know it’s not what you signed up for, but I realised that from the first time I saw you, from our first date that actually, you did take my heart and you did look after it. I think if you hadn’t done that, I might not have survived, might have drowned that day.
“But we were drawn together and that’s how you were able to find me. You looked after my heart until I was ready to take it back from you.” I was getting emotional, and the words were becoming hard to say, but I carried on. “I’m not taking it back, though, not just yet. I’m letting you keep it, trusting you to take care of it until I’m ready to look after it myself. You found me, Kwan, found me when I was lost, looked for me when I couldn’t find myself, and I can't thank you enough for that.”
By this time, I’d gripped his hand in mine, holding on for dear life, hoping I hadn’t scared him away.
“I think what I’m trying to say is that I love you.”
He stood, dragging me to my feet.
“Jesus, Beau. I’ve been waiting to hear those words, hoping you wouldn’t give up on us. I love you too. These past two weeks have been torture, but I don’t care how long it’s taken for us to say these words. The important thing is that I did what I was meant to do. I found you.”
