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26
Neb-en-khata
The ship has dockeda day early and it’s being prepared for departure as I gather my belongings. I didn’t bring much with me, just my satchel and a small suitcase with regulation clothing. Like any good Dhaarrir, I own as few possessions as possible. They only distract from our duties. I throw my satchel over my shoulder and pick up my bag.
Once I realized the error of my ways, I was given much more freedom. I am still watched at all times, which is understandable, but I am no longer strapped to a bed or detained in any way. The psychiatrist helped me see that I was lured into a lifestyle that I had never encountered before. We all have urges and needs, but they must be fought against; the structure of our entire society depends on that. He explained that I probably have some kind of genetic dysfunction that made me especially susceptible to sexual and emotional manipulation. I see my time on Yoria for what it was now: a disgraceful deviation that must be rectified.
I said my goodbyes to the general earlier. He was cordial, but I can still sense that he does not have the same respect for me as he did when I arrived. This makes me sad because he seems like an honorable man. I realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself, and my psychiatrist says that this is the first step to re-education. Many patients never even get to the point of acceptance that I have reached in such a short time. It made me feel good to be exceptional again, and I will strive to chase that feeling when I get back to Dhaarria.
I now know that I need to forget about Zanika, and Yoria, and get on with my life. A lot of what happened there feels like a hallucination. In fact, sometimes, I find it difficult to believe that it was actually me committing those disgraceful acts. In my memories, everything I felt was intensely real, but I have been assured that this is not the case. All those feelings and sensations were an illusion created by my illness.
I’m happy that I’ve been given another chance at life. I can never undo what I did, but it’s clear to me that it must be undone. I have nothing left from my time on Yoria, and it will stay that way. I learned a lot about myself as a person and a lot about humanity. This will be a disgraceful chapter in my career, but with any luck, I will reform into the person I once was, even stronger and more dedicated to Dhaarria than I was before.
* * *
The ship is not verylarge. We all have our separate quarters and a small common area for meals. It will be just me and the two pilots who will take the trip in shifts. I have already offered my services to them, considering that I am qualified to fly this type of spacecraft. I have little practical experience, but my license is still valid for another year. I think both of them have already heard the rumors about me, so they politely declined my offer. No one wants a pervert flying a ship, even though I was deemed not to be a danger to myself or anyone else by the station psychiatrist. I guess I will have to get used to living as a little bit of a pariah for a while. I don’t know what institution I will be sent to yet, but I’m told that they will be waiting for me when we land in Qikhe.
I believe I’ve succeeded in changing my attitude toward what happened on Yoria. All those sexual feelings and emotions, the love I thought I felt, they were just symptoms of an undetectable mental disorder that has been lying dormant in my brain for a long time, maybe since I was born. It was set off by stress and a new environment. It is abnormal to feel and do those things, and I should be grateful that I have a chance to improve myself.
I sit down at the dining table as the pilots go through their normal takeoff preparations. I hear the docking latch expel a puff of air as it detaches from the main body of the space station. The thermal busters begin to grumble beneath me as they warm up. The process will take no more than five minutes, after which we will accelerate sharply to half the speed of light. The ship is capable of going approximately three-quarters of the speed of light, but it is not considered safe to do so for long periods of time. Once we have taken off, it will not be possible to change the trajectory of the flight since the power needed for the acceleration can only be generated with a full charge of the battery. Once we take off, there is no turning back.
I swing the satchel off my shoulder, and it falls to the ground, spreading the contents onto the floor. I kneel down to pick up the various items when I see a small golden medallion depicting the sun god Ra. I pick it up and run it through my fingers. A series of images flash in front of my eyes. Inadvertently, I feel tears coming to my eyes as Zanika’s beautiful face invades my head. It’s like I’ve just been going through the motions since I got back up here. Everyone kept on telling me that there was something wrong with me and if I didn’t agree I was going to get euthanized. I had to believe all that in order to survive. Now, it’s like something has snapped in my mind. I wasn’t imagining my feelings; I wasn’t imagining my connection with Zanika. She gave me this medallion because she loved me—loves me! I left her down there to who knows what fate.How could I forget so fucking fast?
The warm feelings of love fill my chest as I remember what we had when we were together. There was nothing unnatural or perverted about it. We were two beings caring for each other. She wanted to be with me. I wanted to be with her. Just because the powers that be don’t accept that does not mean it’s wrong or part of some sickness. I’m remembering that I had never felt more alive than when I was with her. She made the drudgery of my existence something exciting and meaningful. Without her, what is the point of my life? Serving Dhaarria, the very state that is trying to rip us apart? I don’t fucking think so.
I tuck the medallion back in my satchel and rise from the floor. We are one minute away from departure. One minute away from me never seeing my beautiful Zanika again. I won’t let anything, or anyone, tear us apart like this. I rush over to the command module and kick open the door. Before either pilot can react, I take the tall one on the left and smash his head into the wall. The other goes for his pistol, but I smash it out of his hands and put him into a chokehold. He pushes off the control panel with his feet and sends us flying backwards into the common area. He struggles beneath my grip as I squeeze my bicep around his throat tighter and tighter. Finally, his thrashing stops and his body goes limp. He is not dead but unconscious. I drag the other unconscious pilot out of the command module and lock myself in.
“Is everything okay in there?” I hear the general saying over the radio.
I pick up the receiver and say, “I’m sorry, general, but there’s something that I need to do.”
“Neb-en-khata, you fucking listen to me! You turn yourself in right now or I will make sure—”
I switch off the radio and cancel the launch procedure. I engage the local range thrusters and tilt the ship down towards Yoria. The thrusters engage and we have blastoff.
I enter Yoria’s atmosphere and guide the ship toward Ebkherun. It is not long before I can already make out Avaris on the bank of the Iteru, and I charge toward it. I don’t care if I have gone insane; I will no longer live like a slave robot. I feel I am overcoming a lifetime of subjugation that is all ending in this single moment. I have only one goal in my mind, and that is picking up my Zanika. What happens beyond that will be up to fate.
I’m coming for you, Zanika.
