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Grace
Sawyer, jealous? Seriously?
I understood Jeremy being jealous of my friendship with Sawyer, but Sawyer being jealous over a boyfriend of mine? The reality of that happening had simply felt fantastical.
I mean, I had momentary thoughts in that direction, but I just figured that was me wishing for more with the man I couldn’t have.
Five years ago, when Sawyer and I slept together, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t the best sex of my life. He’d been completely attentive to me, something I couldn’t say of the few other men I had been with.
But Sawyer’s attentiveness in those moments really didn’t surprise me.
From the moment he and I met at Sydney and Cael’s engagement party, through the events that led up to the wedding, he was easily attuned to what I was feeling. And while I loved spending time with him, I was very much a realist.
Long-distance relationships could work under a few circumstances, and two people having careers in two different cities, two different states...well, those things weren’t the most conducive to a long-term relationship.
And I wasn’t really all about the random hook-up once a month or so, whenever one of us could find time to go to the other.
So being friends with Sawyer worked. It made sense.
While my mind was well on track with that, my heart sometimes had a difficult time keeping up—but again, I was a realist.
Sawyer being jealous though put a bit of a twist in the entire situation. Because if he was jealous, that meant…
Well, that meant that his head and heart were likely fighting the same battles mine were.
Wouldn’t that just be some kicker?
The man in question shrugged his shoulder. “I got used to what we had, I guess,” he finally answered. “And you being with him meant all that was going to change.”
I supposed I understood that, but putting the shoe on the other foot— “Are you saying you were never with another woman after we were together?” I highly doubted it. “Should I have been jealous you were with other women? It didn’t ruin our friendship.” I shook my head slightly, trying to get a full grasp of what he was saying.
He shifted in his spot. “Well, no. I had…” He frowned, not finishing his thought, but just the start was enough to have me feeling the teeniest bit jealous. “I see your point,” he finished, all while I was suddenly seeing his point.
Sawyer wasn’t a monk. We had a great night in bed once, became friends, and he probably had a number of sexual relationships after that night. I probably was always semi-aware of it happening, but the fact that it was pretty obvious right now?
Yeah, I was a little bit jealous.
Not that I had a reason to be.
We were friends. Or, we were. I wasn’t entirely sure what we were right this moment. But still, I was understanding what Sawyer meant by saying he’d been jealous over Jeremy.
Sawyer cleared his throat and sighed once. “Look, I don’t really want to hash all that out.” He waved a hand dismissively near the rail before leaning into it, his forearms dangling over the metal beams. With one leg straight behind him and the other cocked near the rail, he was the picture of relaxed, but I could see the tension in his shoulders under his shirt, the bunching of the muscles in his forearms, the storms in the yellow swirls of colors in his eyes.
Once again, I was brought back to his comment of being jealous.
And once again, I tried to convince myself it didn’t really matter. Not truly.
Well, it actually did matter. I cared about Sawyer. But we couldn’t be in a relationship. It simply wasn’t feasible.
“I’m sorry though, for what it’s worth,” he spoke through my thoughts.
I shook my head. “It’s ok.”
“No, Grace, it’s not. I was jealous and I took a step back from our friendship.” He turned to face me, his gaze penetrating. “And I hate what it’s done to you, what it’s done to us.”
It was my turn to shift. I wasn’t uncomfortable exactly, but I was unsure. Who was to say he wouldn’t pull back again someday? If I even got back to the even ground I once had with him, what would the consequences be when he stranded me again?
“Fuck,” he mumbled, startling me. Reaching for me, he brushed a strand of hair behind my ear while I stood there. Just stood there. Like a dumbass. “Out of your head, Gracie. Please,” he pleaded.
The sadness in his eyes, mixed with the tiredness in his body, had me aching for him. Aching for the man who was once a closer friend to me than even Sydney had been. The same man who knew me more than my parents likely did.
They credited my quiet ways to me simply being an observing soul, but Sawyer always saw right through it.
His hand moved from his fingers grazing my ear, to his palm settling behind my head and he pulled me close, completely forgetting any boundaries that may have existed, that should have existed, between us. But the moment I stepped toward him, the moment his other hand wrapped around my waist and my cheek rested on his chest, feeling the thumping of his heart, my mind quieted.
He may have been the one to put the anxious thoughts in my head.
He may have been the one who had me treading lightly.
But he was also the only one who had the ability to calm it all.
