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Grace
I drove home in a daze, the hum of the road below my tires the only sound. Once at my little one bedroom cottage, I let myself in, locked myself in, and tossed myself into my bed. Belly down, face buried in a pillow.
Everything about today was wonderful.
But God, the fear of what would happen if I lost everything with that man.
Sydney knew me yes, but Sawyer knew me better. Was trying to be with him worth the risk of losing that, of losing the one person who knew me better than everyone else?
But then again, wasn’t that what love was about? Being with the one person who knew you in and out, the one person who could ease your fears, calm your worries, and slay your dragons?
Sawyer already did all that and more for me. Did that mean I was in love with him?
My laugh into my pillow was dry and unamused.
Who was I kidding? I’d been in love with Sawyer Meadows for years.
I flipped over onto my back, my arms strewn out on either side of me as I stared up at the ceiling in my dark room, forgotten tears drying in salty tracks down my cheeks. I loved Sawyer Meadows.
I loved him.
Fear dictated so much in my life. Was I going to let it dictate this too?
Could I give in to the anxieties and worries? Furthermore, most importantly, could I deal with what the man did for a living? I knew he had his gun on him today. I felt it on more than one occasion. It was easy to forget it was there though, when it was just he and I traipsing through a nature reserve. It was an entirely different matter to know he strapped that on, day in and day out, for his job—to keep him protected the best way a gun and its handler could do.
I had stayed his friend all these years, knowing he’d been shot at. Heck, I knew he’d been shot and still I kept, and valued, our friendship. How different would it be…? It wasn’t like I hadn’t invested as many feelings into our friendship as I would if we were to be seeing one another.
And what was distance when I had a job that I could literally pick up and move?
Sitting straight up, I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and focusing my energy away from the fear and into my heart and into my desires.
Finally, with calm encompassing me, I knew what I was going to do.
With that, I stood to take a shower.
