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Yikes. I didn’t think that through very well. I think about lying to her but decide the truth may be the best way to start pushing her away and have this night end without her being totally crushed.
“Uh, a few dozen.” I shrug my shoulders, trying to seem nonchalant about it.
“A few dozen? As in twelve times…”
“Yeah,” I reply, a bit embarrassed. I’ve never been ashamed of how I’ve behaved when I give myself the time to act on it, but for a reason I can’t or won’t put into words, I want her to think better of me.
Margaret goes silent, and I can only imagine what she’s thinking. I bet she’s wondering if I have any diseases. “Huh,” is all she says. What I wouldn’t give to break into her brain right now. I’m good at reading people, but I expected her to go a little crazy on me, not just act as if that is an interesting but inconsequential factoid.
“That’s all?” I burrow my hands in my jean pockets then turn slightly her way so I can see her face as we walk.
“I really don’t have a reply to that.”
“Okay.” I search for something else to talk about. “I guess I should’ve kept that little bit to myself.”
“No, it’s okay. I mean, who knows how many guys have just lied about it, ya know? Your honesty is refreshing.”
I blink. Study her face. Then blink again.
“This is me.” I didn’t even realize she’d stopped and have to backtrack a few steps to get back to where she’s standing. I look up at the apartment building and am surprised by how rundown it seems. It looks like it should be condemned.
“This is you? For real?”
“Yes.”
“This isn’t safe.”
“Isn’t safe? I mean, it’s not the Ritz, but it’s not bad.”
I apparently can’t help myself when it comes to putting my damn foot in my mouth tonight, but there you go. Foot, inserted into mouth. “I’m sorry. You’re right.”
She shuffles her feet and grabs the strap of her bag, reaching in and pulling out a set of keys. “Did you want to come up?”
I sigh and realize we’re at the end of the shortest relationship in history, one I would give up nearly anything to explore. I’ve never felt this way about someone so quickly—so attracted, so intrigued—but inevitably, we wouldn’t work, and us sleeping together would only hurt her more. “Look, you’re amazing.”
She drops her head and has a small smirk on her face. “Ah, I see.”
“No, wait. It’s just…I’m not looking for a relationship, and I can see that you are. I don’t have the time for a girlfriend, or the patience, if I’m being honest.”
“Okay. Well then, Dan…” She pauses, and I realize how much I wish she knew my real name. That’s not the deal, though. “It’s been…fun.”
We stare at each other for another minute and she turns toward the steps, slowly ascending them, jingling her keys in her hand. We both hesitate, the tension between us palpable even from this distance, neither of us ready to walk away. I start to turn away and bite my lip, my hands resting in my pants pockets, but I can’t make myself walk away.
“Ah, fuck it.”
Running up the stairs two at a time, I reach for her waist and twist her toward me. I don’t give her a chance to protest before I slam my lips down onto hers, pushing her up against the door and claiming her for myself.
Just tonight. Just once.
