Page 2 of Venus Was Her Name

Just to make sure, she looked round the room that was strewn with her clothes and as she suspected, he had gone. All that remained was the ashtray on the bedside table, half full, and a can of Coke, scrunched sheets and the indent in the pillow. Reaching out, she rested her palm in the gap and once again closed her eyes, but nothing came, only the shrill sound of the phone ruining the moment.

Expecting it to be Marvin her first thought was to ignore it, but he’d only keep on ringing and worse, come round, so preferring a verbal reprimand than one in the flesh she reluctantly picked up the receiver.

When she heard the voice at the other end, she was surprised since the last time they’d spoken she’d been vile, truly vile. Shock was swiftly replaced by annoyance as every one of her mum’s words grated. ‘It’s me. Don’t put the phone down please… just hear me out. I’ve been ringing your room all night. I was scared you’d done something stupid.’

And then it came, a flashback.

Him picking up the notes that had been shoved under the door and reading the top one. ‘Looks like your mother really wants to speak to you… you should call her back.’

She had bridled, said it was none of his business and grabbed them from him then scrunched them into a ball before staggering to the loo. After she staggered back, she flung herself onto the bed, kind of hoping he hadn’t taken it personally. Instead of leaving, she’d watched him take a can from the minibar before he came to sit next to her.

‘You want to talk about it?’ And once he’d said it, she realised she did, needed to say the words out loud before they ate her alive. So, while she lay, arms crossed over her chest, he sat, and when she managed to make her lips work and her brain stay on track, she explained her anger. He had listened. For the first time someone listened.

Now it was her turn, because at the end of the phone was another angry woman who only wanted someone to hear their words, so she allowed her heart to soften a touch. ‘What do you want, Mum? I told you I had nothing to say to you, so please give me space so I can work this out in my head, okay? You can’t expect me to just carry on like everything is normal after what you’ve done.’

An audible sucking in of breath, or was it temper, preceded her mother’s reply. ‘Yes, I understand that. It’s been a shock, but we will get nothing sorted if you keep running away. And refusing to talk about it won’t help so please, just come home and we can discuss it properly. Or shall we talk now, get it over and done with and out in the open? At least then you can think about it, get your head straight before you get back.’

‘NO! Mum, just leave it. I can’t deal with it right now. I have to work so stop messing with my head and pestering me.’ She began to tremble, a mixture of anger, hunger and coming down.

When she replied, her mum sounded angry, and from her tone running out of patience too. ‘When will you be back? I spoke to Marvin earlier and he says you have a two-day shoot then nothing booked for a month, so I expect you home after that. No excuses.’

‘How dare you! Stop ringing Marvin. I mean it. Stay out of my business. You have no right doing that.’ She knew she did and had just given her mum the perfect excuse to say so.

‘Oh yes I do! I’m worried and I’m also the one who cares for your daughter so that you can do what you do, and we all know exactly how you react to pressure. Christ, the whole bloody world ends up knowing, which is why I want you home before you end up in the gutter. I mean it. Your child misses you and I’m scared you’ll do something stupid so please, listen to reason. Come home and we can talk, see your little girl, that’s all I ask.’

She heard the crack in her mum’s voice and her heart plummeted. Her mum was a good person. The best. It had never been as bad as this between them, ever. Yes, she’d been a nightmare teen, but they’d always promised to be best friends forever, her and her mum. Falling out and making up. That’s how it went. And when she’d been spotted by a talent scout during a trip to the capital and signed by a top London agency, her mum had been proud and so supportive, just like she had when the pregnancy test proved positive and threatened to ruin her glittering career. Her mum deserved better, in many senses of the word.

‘Is she okay though?’ The face of her two-year-old sunbeam was clouded by tears that she flicked away and she prayed for an answer that wouldn’t rip open her heart. She couldn’t take much more.

The voice at the other end of the phone was gentler now. ‘Yes, of course she is, but she misses you, like I do.’

Taking a deep breath, knowing she had to face up to things sooner or later, a promise was made. ‘I’ll do this job then come straight home and then we can talk – well, you can explain. I’ll get Marvin to arrange a driver then I can set off straight after the shoot and avoid the commuters. The job’s here in London, we should finish at midday so I will be home early Friday evening.’

It was as though the smile on her mum’s face was being transmitted down the phone, relief echoing in her voice. ‘Thank you.’

‘Is she there?’

‘She’s having a nap, but I can ring later if you like. Or you ring us, that might be best. We’re always here.’

Ignoring the insinuation, whether it was meant as a criticism or not, she suddenly realised that given a choice she would have left there and then because despite everything she missed home; them. ‘Okay. I’ll try to ring later when I’ve had my fittings. I’ve got to go now, I’m already late… I love you, Mum.’

There was a heartbeat, silence and then the voice at the end of the phone managed a croaked reply. ‘And I love you too, my darling girl. I always have and I always will and I’m sorry for what I’ve done, I truly am.’

She was crying now, barely able to speak but managed to squeak the words her mum needed to hear, that she meant more than anything in the world, no matter how hurt and angry she was. ‘I know, Mum, it’s okay, we’ll sort it out. Don’t worry. I’ll be home soon. I love you too.’

When the spell was broken by someone hammering on the door, Marvin no doubt mad as hell and on the verge of firing her again, she ended the call. ‘Mum, I have to go. I’ll ring later.’

Heaving herself off the bed she rested her feet firmly on the plush carpet and waited for the room to stop spinning and focused on a spot, the dresser. It was then that she saw the note, peeping out from the book she carried everywhere, that was littered with her own scribblings, pencilled notes and thoughts, lines that she might use in a poem or a song, maybe one day when her face no longer fit.

Her heart flipped as she called out to Marv. ‘Hold your horses. I’m on the loo.’

She took two strides and grabbed the book, adrenaline pumped, cleared the stage as a scene from the night before played on a reel in her head. It was an epiphany; he was back in the room, and she was desperate not to let him go so blocked everything out and held on tight.

His white shirt was rolled at the sleeves and at his neck a silver cross on a black leather cord. His long brown hair fell onto his face, but she could see his eyes, blue like hers as he looked up. He was holding a can of Coke in one hand, her book in the other. ‘This yours?’ He read the title out loud. ‘Romeo and Juliet.’

She nodded and watched from the bed as he made his way over, her lips having trouble forming words, her response slurred. The chemicals were pulling her down, too deep. ‘Read it at school. S’my favourite. I pinched it. Keeps me safe.’

And just as swiftly as he’d arrived, he drifted away, leaving her with only the note which she unfolded and pulled close to her face so she could focus on the words, a twist on a line from the play.

To the brightest star in all the heavens. Keep shining. Smile more. Go home and see your mum. Be good until we meet again. And remember. Stay away from guys like me. x

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