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I sighed. “Okay, okay, fine. I’ll be there.” I shot him a little glare. “But don’t expect me to stay till the end.”
“Good. At least that’s something.” He nodded to himself like he was proud of his achievement to get me to agree to attend.
I was serious, though. As soon as the event started looking bleak, I would dip right out of there so I could go snuggle with my dog on the couch. At least Snowballdidn’t ask me any terribly invasive questions about why I didn’t have a wife yet or where my girlfriend was that evening (one of these days I was going to just make up a fake one, seriously).
Of course, that may have just been because she was a dog, and couldn’t talk, but I digress. I preferred her company to ninety percent of the humans I knew. My sister and best friends were some of the only exceptions.
And I mean, really, it was like people couldn’t believe that I wasn’t dating anyone. And yeah—everyone else in my life was seeing someone, but what was the point in dating someone I wasn’t interested in?
I knew, that once I found the right person, I was going to be in it for the long haul. Once I met her, I was going to do whatever it took to keep her in my life, and make sure she knew that I was hers, forever. And she would be mine. Absolutely, unequivocally, mine.
I was just waiting for her to walk into my life.
~ ~ ~
Another successful first day, I thought to myself. I took a deep breath of the clean air, still smelling like rain, and watched the water drip down through the trees from my dry spot on the covered patio.
I had a hot cup of coffee in my hands—my third one of the day, which all things considered could have been much worse—and marveled over how different my life was now versus just a few years ago. In some ways, I couldn’t believe I had just begun my fourth semester of teaching full-time. This semester, I had mostly undergraduate classes and one graduate-level finance class. It was crazy to think that after all of the paths that life had led me down, this is where I ended up. In a cold, drizzling pocket of the world. It reminded me of home, after all.
My phone buzzed with another text—this time from my group chat with my buddies. When are we getting drinks next? First-round on me. It was from my best friend—Bryan.
God, when had we all even gotten together last?
I frowned into my cup as I thought about it. It had been too long, even with the holidays. But they all had families and girlfriends, whereas I spent them alone.
More specifically, I spent them traveling, most of the time snowboarding and enjoying the winter season with my snow-loving dog. It wasn’t like I had anywhere that I called home to go. And my little sister had opted to stay at school over the break, probably so she could spend time with that new boyfriend of hers, and she was all I had left.
I’m game. I just have a late-night class I teach on Wednesdays, otherwise I’m free. I quickly texted back before shoving my phone back into my pocket.
My best friend Bryan and his wife, Elizabeth, had invited me over to their place for Christmas, but I didn’t want to feel like the third wheel for the whole week. I loved them both, but sometimes being around all of their love was a little suffocating. Especially since she was expecting their first child. Our other friends, Cole and Tanner, had spent the winter holidays with their parents at a ski resort in Canada.
So, since I had nowhere else to be, I packed up my truck and my dog, and we went to different ski resorts all over Oregon. Ever since I was little, I had always loved traveling, and in the last two years since moving here, sometimes I felt like I needed to escape from Portland. Even though it was a big city, sometimes it could feel so small. Ever since I was little, I had always loved the cold and the snow, so it seemed like a logical way to combine both passions. My week in Sunriver had been the best, hitting the slopes of Mt. Bachelor, and my legs already itched to get back up on the mountain.
But now it all seemed like a distant dream as I settled into the new semester. The breaks in between semesters always went by too fast.
So here I sat, enjoying my cup of coffee before I had to rush to get to teach the next class of the day. Even though it was cold out, the patio was protected from the rain and had a portable heater, leaving me comfortable as I listened to the sounds of the rain hitting the pavement.
Even with keeping myself busy—with work, taking care of my dog, and seeing friends, sometimes I felt like I was missing something in my life. I bit my lip, eyes drifting off towards the center of campus as I pondered the thought. When did I become so discontent with my routine? No matter what I tried, it just felt like it wasn’t enough. But maybe it wasn’t something I was missing—it was someone. Someone to share this life with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to love.
I shook my head. I hadn’t ever had that before—not with anyone I’d dated or the girls my friends had tried to set me up with. So why was I thinking about it now? Why was it that I was wishing for someone to share a life with now?
It had been drizzling outside, but when the rain cleared, just for a moment, the sun came shining through. What caught my eye, though, was the way the rays lit up the red strands of hair on a girl’s head. She was standing in the middle of the quad, looking up to the sky: eyes closed, chin tilted up like she was absorbing the few seconds of warmth the sun provided—and then she smiled.
And for some reason, her small smile just did something to me. Because the pure and utter bliss on her face… It stuck with me. I couldn’t put it out of my mind, and I went to class that day only thinking about that redhead girl’s lips tilted up as she basked in the glow. Because as soon as the ray of sun had come, it was gone, and so was she.
Why couldn’t I get her out of my mind? If I was honest with myself—which I almost always was—something about it unsettled me. I was confused because I felt… weak. Like if my feet weren’t firmly planted on the floor, the wind could topple me over, just from the sight of the sun shining on a head of red hair. And why was that, anyway? I didn’t think I was imagining the rush in my chest as my eyes had settled on her. She just seemed like… warmth. It felt like it oozed from her like she could be the light in any dark, bringing a place to life with just a smile.
Not that I got to see her smile directed at me, just at the sun. But for some reason… I wanted it to be. And I couldn’t stop thinking that just as I had thought that maybe this life would be better with someone else in it, she appeared. With her red hair and the smile that lit up her face.
I tried to shake the thought away. It wasn’t about her, not really—that would be crazy—but this longing that had popped into my mind was making me think crazy things. That was all. And I was too old to have thoughts like this about anyone who could be my baby sister’s age. But I couldn’t deny that seeing that girl awakened something inside of me, like a little thawing of the frozen heart I had locked up tight behind a fortress of ice.
I sighed, trying to shake off this feeling that had decided to take up residence in my chest.This wasn’t like me, to feel an attraction to, well… anyone.
Especially not a girl I had never talked to and whose name I didn’t even know. Sure, I had dated a few women here and there, but I had never felt any… desire for any of them. It had almost just been like going through the motions. Went out with women because I felt like I should because our friends set us up because they asked. But it wasn’t like I wanted them… Nor should I want her. In all my time, I had never found the person I wanted to spend my life with. And I wasn’t about to give up everything I had worked towards for a woman who didn’t meet every box on my list.
Hello? I wanted to smack my inner self. Get those thoughts out of your head, Matthew. Don’t be an idiot.
My thoughts kept wandering as I sat in my office, way later than I would normally stay on campus but not wanting to go back to my empty house yet. I had finally gotten my own office this year—one finally opening up after another faculty member had retired—and it was still a little bare. There was a pile of boxes set next to the bookshelf that I needed to put away, filled with old textbooks and volumes as well as a few frames to hang or to prop on the desk: my parents, before they had passed away; one of my white Samoyed, Snowball—named by my little sister, Tessa, whose photo was also in the stack; the framed diplomas from undergrad and my PhD. I grabbed a small plant from the top box and set it next to my computer. It wasn’t much, but I would add more as I went.
