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CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Simmi
I leave my folks home after ensuring Mike has taken his meds, including the anti-depressants he’s been trying to avoid. I’m still rattled after running into Jay on the beach. What did he mean he wasn’t married? Did I hear right? I can’t be sure. I was too busy trying not to yack, trying not to forgive him, turn around, and run into his arms. Thank fuck Mike appeared. He’s always been my rock.
I walk up the steps to my cabin. I haven’t been back since that night. When we were in Brisbane, I bought new toiletries and clothes, too angry, afraid and hurt to ask Jay to return my stuff.
I plonk down on my bed. Shit. I jump back up. It smells of us. Him. Our love. I rip off the covers and the sheet falling back on to the mattress. I can still smell him.
Fuck!
I stomp to my lounge and fall on the small couch. I could always go back to Mom’s and Dad’s place, but I’m too proud. Instead, I toss and turn. And after what feels like hours, I sit up.
“Fuck!” I scream into the small cushion. “Can it please just stop hurting?” I yell at my roof.
I’m so tired of fighting the hurt. So tired of thinking how I’m going to fix this fuck up my life has become. And tomorrow I have to go into town and face down the stares and sniggers of all Doris’s followers and probably Doris herself.
I just can’t.
I can’t breathe. I tear at my t-shirt. What’s wrong with me? I need to get out. I need air. I need an escape!
Staggering down the grass embankment and onto the small wooden bridge, gripping the palisade for support, I lean forward and retch. My world spins faster and faster.
Fuck!
This is why I never allowed myself to love, to believe in love. It destroys. Lays to ash anything that is good. It hurts more than stubbing your little toe on Nan’s solid teak dining room table leg. And it hurts more than watching my town almost burn to the ground. It hurts more than anything I’d ever experienced in my life.
How could he lie to me!
Finding any remaining of willpower, I stagger toward the beach.
It’s a spectacular night. The silver gaze of the full moon dazzles everything it touches. The waves are tame, and the shore empty. I fall to my knees and stare out over the heavenly illuminated waters. The waves whisper to me, promising me peace, and the breeze urges me onward. The silver dappled ocean ebbs and flows.
Acting on autopilot, I undress and walk into the water. It’s cool and inviting. The waves caress my skin as I wade in until the foam tickles my nipples.
I can feel the calm ocean tugging at the lock I’ve placed on the door of my hurt. I allow the key to turn and the full impact of that night and all I’ve lost to wash over me. My knees buckle and I sink beneath the surface of the water.
My pain is silenced, and my world grows dark. Water pushes up my nose and into my ears. I curl my legs and my bum hits the sand. My hair spreads out around me in the ebbing tug and flow of the current.
Every inch of my heart begs for me to remain just where I am, but my willpower will not condone my desire to vanish into the ether. This isn’t who I am. I’m stronger than this. Unfolding my legs and flapping my arms around me, I make to push toward the surface when a pair of large, strong, familiar arms wrap themselves around me.
Bark-coughing and flapping like an angry seal, I fight for him to let me go.
“Wh-what the...”
“Simone!”
His deep baritone stills my frantic flailing.
“I don’t want you to save me. I can save myself.” I twist around in his arms, wiping the salty water from my eyes as we stumble onto the shore.
“Why?” he pleads.
My eyes focus and the face I find standing before me causes me to do a second take. No longer the strong Adonis, but pale, drawn and fragile.
“Why what?” I lean back, his arms refusing to relinquish their hold on me.
“Why would you do this?”
