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“Hey, ready to go Angel?” he says when he sees me.
“Yeah,” I answer with the best smile I can muster and grab my bag.
He takes it from me and shakes his head. “I’ll carry this. You just got back.”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to.”
He looks at me, narrows his eyes and catches my face. “You okay? Was tonight too much?”
“No, I’m fine,” I lie and I think he knows it for a lie but since there’s nothing left for him to guess he doesn’t press.
“Come let’s go home,” he says leaning forward to kiss me.
I kiss him and I take the first step to unravelling what I feel for him.
We drive back to his place, we fall in bed and have sex for most of the night and I try the same. It’s harder by morning because I’ve had time to think about it and I realize staying here isn’t going to work.
If we’re going to stick to this no strings shit then it’s best for me to leave. it’s best for me to even walk away from the money because heartache for not just me but Rosie too would be worse.
I can heal but it’s unfair to do that to a child. This is the fourth week that we would have been with him.
As he makes breakfast I know he can tell something’s up with me. He made us pancakes and Rosie loved them.
He waits until she finishes eating before he clears his throat and looks like he’s gearing up to say something.
“Rosie, principessa do why don’t you go give your babies their breakfast. I need to talk to Mama for a second,” Christian says to her.
“Okay,” Rosie says and proceeds to gather up some fruit on a plate.
She saunters away moments later and he turns on me the moment the door closes.
“What is the matter with you?” he asks rolling up the sleeves to his shirt. He’s dressed for work, but rolling his sleeves up in that habitual manner automatically switches him into a serious, demanding mode that requires an answer to his question.
An answer I have to give.
“I was thinking Rosie and I should start looking for places,” I answer.
My chest tightens when he balls his fists. “What? Why?”
“Because we’re supposed to. We should. The exhibition will be over in a few weeks so we should start looking Christian. It’s going to be harder to find a place nearer Christmas so it’s best.”
He stares back at me, like he’s trying to figure out what to do with me.
“Best?Why would it be best? What’s happened for you to say this shit to me?”
“It’s not shit,” I lash back standing up. He stands too. “Remember no strings attached. We have one month. The show finishes and so do we. I was never supposed to be here. It’s easier if we start looking now. Easy for me and Rosie. I don’t want her to be sad to leave.”
“So leaving sooner rather than later will be easier? That makes no sense Lilly. How does it?” he raises his voice.
“It’s easier for me,” I answer not meaning to confess such a thing and expose myself to my mistake. Now that I have, however, the truth is out. “It will be easier for me to leave soon that way than when it’s over. I know it’s over and I can walk away. living here makes it harder. It will make it harder.”
He knows what I’m saying is right and I’m noticing the silence in the space between us. Throughout this whole time it was just once that I felt I reached him, but I gave myself to him every single time.
Either he held back, shut me down and out, or he feels nothing but pity for me.
“I never expected you to just leave,” he finally says.
“What did you expect, us to just stay here indefinitely until you decide you’re done with me or shit like that and ask me to leave. This isn’t a relationship. You aren’t mine and I’m not yours. It’s money.”
