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“That’s not true! I want you to be part of this, but I can’t abandon my daughter.”
She wondered if he’d heard any of the words he’d just spoken or saw their effect on her. Probably not. Aidan wasn’t ready to accept anyone else’s ideas on this. How long that would last, she didn’t know. Perhaps coming here was a mistake. “For the umpteenth time, I’m not asking you to abandon your child.”
“Then what are you saying?” he asked.
“I want you to listen to my side of things. I failed you by not having our baby, and it’s clear that you want your child. I’ve always wanted my own child, my baby. It didn’t happen. We don’t always get what we want, Aidan,” she said, her voice failing her as sobs shook her whole body. Through her tears, she searched for her purse. “This was a mistake, my coming here. A mistake.”
* * *
“DON’T SAY THAT, GRACE,” Aidan pleaded, going to her and holding her while she cried. He’d been so glad to see her when she drove in the driveway. Last night’s conversation had been so open and caring, yet so laden with things that neither could say. He’d been thrilled to have her return to him, and he’d foolishly believed they could agree to have Emma return home with them.
Holding her close, he whispered, “I never meant to hurt you. I am as confused by all of this as you are. Not long ago I was running my business, we were having a little break in Charleston and life was good. And, yes, I didn’t jump on the adoption thing right away because I felt we needed a little time to catch our breath, get our lives on track before we began the search for a child. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to adopt. I wanted us to take our time.”
“And that’s what I’m asking you to do now. What difference will a week make in Emma’s life? Isn’t a delay while we talk this out better than our marriage suffering and Emma being caught in the middle?”
He held her shoulders as his eyes searched her tearstained face. “Grace, I love you. I didn’t realize that you felt this way. But you don’t know how it felt last night to watch Emma, to feel that visceral connection to someone, someone who is totally dependent on me, what I do and how I do it. For the first time in my life, I’m confused, uncertain. And yet I’ve never felt this alive. Emma’s a lovely little girl and I’m sure you will fall in love with her. Just wait until she gets home from kindergarten.”
“I—I don’t think that would be a good idea.”
“Why not? She’s a part of our lives.”
“You don’t get it, do you?” She glanced at him and the sadness in her expression crushed his heart. “You want us to include a little girl in our lives and to overcome the damage caused to our relationship by the fact you had an affair without being clear on what all this means to each of us.”
“I guess I don’t get it. I want to, but every time I say something it comes out all wrong,” he said, feeling lost, adrift and afraid that he was about to lose her.
“I need to know that my feelings matter,” she said in a matter-of-fact tone.
“They do!” Was that the problem? Was she feeling left out? She shouldn’t feel that way. He wasn’t leaving her out. “Your feelings have always mattered—”
“Let me finish. I need for us to take this slow, to talk this out together before we decide to take her home with us. This is a big decision for both of us. It will change our lives, our relationship, forever.”
She couldn’t be suggesting that he walk away from Emma, leave her here on her own without family, could she? “But Grace, Emma is my responsibility. I love her and I can’t walk away from her.”
