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PROLOGUE
Shawna
Seven Years Ago…
“Aaaah! Mom, it hurts!”
“I know, dear. The anesthesiologist should be here soon to give you the epidural. You’re doing good, though. Hang in there.”
Mom wipes my forehead with a damp washcloth, and I close my eyes to try to block out the pain from the contraction. Jesus, I knew labor would be painful, but I didn’t know just how excruciating it would be. It feels like the worst possible menstrual cramps times ten. I also didn’t expect labor to last this long. My contractions started twelve hours ago, and I’ve been in the hospital now for eight. Mom and Dad brought me in after my water broke even though my contractions were still ten minutes apart at that point. They’ve progressed slowly since I arrived here, and they’re now about five minutes apart, as well as much more intense and agonizing. My doctor says I still have a ways to go, though, since I was only dilated to five centimeters when she last checked.
Once the contraction subsides, I open my eyes and see Mom looking at me with worry etched on her face. Her lips lift into a smile, and I know she’s trying to keep me calm and relaxed.
“When’s Dad going to be back?” I ask. He left a couple of hours ago and said he’d be back as soon as he could.
Mom sits in the chair next to my bed. “He wants me to call him when your contractions are closer. One of his bartenders has the flu and can’t work, so he’s filling in. But he wants to be here to meet his grandson.”
“Okay,” I reply, taking a deep breath. My parents have been incredibly supportive throughout my pregnancy, and it’s actually strengthened our relationship when it could have easily torn us apart. I’m grateful for both my parents and appreciate them so much more than I did before I got pregnant. Although my dad has no reason to be here at the hospital with us right now, I also don’t want him to miss the birth of his first grandchild.
The door swings open, and Mom and I both turn to see who’s walking into my room this time.
“Hello, Shawna.” Susan, my nurse for the past few hours, walks in with another person I don’t recognize behind her. “This is Blake. He’s here to give you an epidural.”
Thank God.
Blake approaches the bed, pushing a cart full of supplies in front of him. “Hi, Shawna, how are you doing?”
I chuckle. “I’ve been better.”
With a smile, Blake gets the supplies ready to administer my epidural. “Well, you should be feeling better soon.”
Susan checks the machine monitoring my contractions. “Looks good,” she says, smiling at me.
I force a smile. Good? I mean, I know things are progressing the way they’re supposed to, but I’ve never felt so much pain in my life, so this doesn’t feel good to me.
If I had known what labor would be like nine months ago, I would’ve insisted my boyfriend wear a condom.
Not that it was the first time we didn’t use a condom. Jarred and I started having sex months prior to me getting pregnant, and while we used protection for the first month or so, he convinced me the pull-out method would work. No way was I going to ask my mom to get me on birth control pills—although now, I realize how ridiculous and immature I was. Jarred’s pull-out skills seemed to work for a few months … until they didn’t. When I missed my period, I freaked out. When the pregnancy test I took was positive, I had a panic attack. I had just turned eighteen a few weeks prior to that and was a senior in high school. My 3.9 GPA and high SAT score had me on the college path, and I’d be the first person in my family to attend a university. But instead of being a freshman at Western Washington University right now, I’m still living at home in Port Townsend with my parents, giving birth to my unplanned child.
“You’re going to feel a poke,” Blake explains, “and it will take a few minutes for the epidural to take effect, but you should be feeling a lot better soon. I just need you to sit up on the edge of the bed.”
Following Blake’s instructions, Susan and my mom help me get situated. I’m exhausted, and my body is worn out. I hope this epidural brings me the relief I need. I wish I could skip through labor and just hold my baby boy in my arms.
Although this was an unplanned pregnancy, I came to terms with it once I heard my baby’s heartbeat at my first doctor's appointment. Of course, telling my parents I was pregnant was scary. I was full of regret and shame, and they were understandably upset. But after the initial shock wore off, they were nothing but supportive, which helped me adjust to my altered life plans.
I feel a burning, stinging sensation as Blake pokes my back. “This should numb the area,” he says behind me. I close my eyes, not wanting to imagine the size of the epidural needle he’s inserting into my spine. Mom holds my hand for comfort, and I squeeze it, anticipating the pain, though it doesn’t get much worse than what I already feel.
Then another contraction hits, and I can’t help but squeeze her hand harder.
“Ow,” Mom says, placing her other hand over mine.
“Sorry,” I say, trying not to hurt her through the overwhelming pain. Hopefully, this epidural kicks in before I have another contraction.
Once Blake is done, Susan and Mom help me relax against the back of my bed again. Blake leaves, then Susan inserts a catheter since I won’t be able to get up to use the bathroom with the lower half of my body numb. After she’s done and exits the room, I intend to rest. However, shortly after the door closes behind her, it swings back open again, and Jarred enters the room.
Mom’s posture straightens.
“Hey,” Jarred says, approaching the bed. He takes my hand in his, trying to comfort me. “How are you?”
