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News to me, but I know acknowledging that won’t ease any of the tension tightening between us.
“He’s a good guy,” I reply. “A good person. I’m not going to be rude to him just because he decided you two weren’t…compatible.”
Ellie scoffs. Watches as I pull a sheet of paper towel out of the dispenser and dry my hands. “Do you like him?”
I play dumb. Or deaf, rather. “What?”
“You heard me. Do you like him? Do you want him for yourself?”
“I…it’s complicated.”
“It’s not complicated. It’s ayesor ano.” She interprets my lack of answer correctly. “Jesus, Sutton. We were together forthree years!”
“I know!” I snap. “I don’t—I’m not—I’m not going to do anything about it, okay?”
“Do you promise?”
“I—what?”
Ellie stares at me. Resolute and unflinching. “Do youpromiseyou won’t do anything about it?”
I stare back, incredulous. Trying to reconcile how we got here, from a single dance to gag order. “I…”
Truthfully, I’m not planning to pursue anything with Teddy. Even if I meet him in Mrs. Jeeves’s classroom. Even if we make out or fool around a little.
In the context of our entire lives, I don’t expect anything that happens tonight to change anything. We’re headed in two different directions. He’s staying in Wisconsin. I’m leaving with no plans to return.
I just hate being told what Ican’tdo. It’s human nature, I think, to push back. Especially when you’re shoved first.
“Wow.” Ellie shakes her head as I hesitate. “Some sister you are.”
“Sister?” I laugh. “The girl who sits next to me in AP English knows more about me than you do, Ellie. We’ve never been sisters. You’ve never acted like a sister to me.”
Shockingly, she agrees. “I know. You’re right. About all of it.” She inhales, and it seems to take minutes. “Ilovehim, Sutton.”
“I know.”
I do, and I don’t miss her use of the present tense. My mother walked away from me after seventeen years without so much as a backward glance. After three years as Teddy’s girlfriend, eternal devotion glimmers in Ellie’s eyes.
The wet sheen on them is much harder to ignore than her demanding questions were. She and Teddy have history. Inside jokes and tender moments.
I feel like the other woman. I’ve never cheated, never so much as kissed the guy. But I listened to him when he told me about visiting his dad in prison rather than suggesting he tell Ellie instead. I listened to him play guitar by the lake without suggesting we invite her too.
I loved those moments. Ilivedfor those moments on days I missed Chicago and my mom so badly that it hurt to breathe.
Nothing we’ve done is bad, by the standard definition. But that doesn’t make it good. Right. Doesn’t make the pain on Ellie’s face any easier to look at.
No matter what I’ve told him—told myself—I’ve never seen Teddy as just a friend. I blame that for the guilt swirling in my stomach.
“We had everything planned…” A single tear slips down Ellie’s cheek, and she swipes it away angrily.
Is that true? It felt special—romantic—when Teddy told me seeing me was the catalyst for the realization he and Ellie wouldn’t end up together.
Now, I feel sullied, dirty. Maybe I was just a distraction, an excuse. He got cold feet and is looking for ways to sow his wild oats now that he can do so guilt-free.
Except…I don’t know if I can fully believe that. It’s been nearly two months since he broke up with Ellie. As far as I know—and I would know because there are no secrets in this town—he hasn’t accepted any of the many offers he’s gotten since he became single. Whatever his true motivation for ending their lengthy relationship was, it doesn’t seem to have anything to do with wanting to hook up with a different girl each weekend.
“You know what he said to me when he broke up with me?” Ellie asks. I don’t, but she tells me anyway. “I need to figure out who I am, on my own.Sound familiar?”
