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Chapter 48
Grace
I’mfeelingabituneasy when we get back to Boston. It’s not that Cash hasn’t been clear. He wants me to move in. I’m just nervous. We’ve done everything in our relationship backwards. Or sideways. And I don’t just mean our sex life.
Giving up my independence, my apartment, my time alone, and just moving in with Cash because it’s what he wants,feelslike going backward. I don’t want to lose myself in work. I want to be a partner to Cash in every sense of the word. But I also don’t want to overcompensate not being me, just so I avoid making the same mistakes I made in my marriage.
“Can you drop me off at my apartment?” I ask Frank as we make our way down Commonwealth Avenue. Frank arrived this morning and spent the day with us relaxing and watching Christmas movies. It was nice to see Frank and Cash just joke around with each other, more as friends than coworkers.
Frank nods in the rearview mirror, but Cash squeezes my hand to get me to look at him. “It’s late. We can stop tomorrow and grab your things. You have enough to get through the night, right?”
I see the worry in his eyes, the concern that our conversations over the last few days have me spooked. He’s not wrong, but he’s also not right. I just need a little time.
For years, I’ve been processing things on my own. First as a child, without a mother who gave one shit let alone two. Then in college with boyfriends like Jay who weren’t exactly the chatty type. Most recently in my failed marriage where Steven and I were passing ships in the night. I’m used to my solitude, and I just need a little time to figure out my next move without Cash’s whiskey-brown pools of hope staring back at me.
“I just want to shower in my own place, curl up in bed, and get a good night’s rest. I have a big meeting tomorrow with my bachelorette Sarah. She has a New Year’s Eve event she needs a date for, and I’ve only got a few days to get that handled.”
Cash’s entire demeanor shifts from hurt to anger. “Your place? Good night’s rest? You don’t sleep well in the penthouse?”
I’m annoyed. I don’t want to have to explain myself. “I thought you knew who I was. Work comes first, Cash. Just like it does for you.”
Cash shakes his head and lets out a bitter laugh. “Work hasnevercome first for me when it comes to you.”
My eyes widen in shock just as he realizes his mistake. He put everything before me only a few months ago and destroyed us. To act as if he didn’t is so hypocritical that I feel justified in my need for space. Even as I feel my mind spinning, my body isn’t getting the heated reaction that normally happens when I get into a fight. I’m confused because I feel justified in my anger, but I almost feel like I’mchoosingto be angry. As if I know I’m picking this fight with him so that he’ll storm off and let me be for the night, rather than being an adult and just asking for what I want, which is time and space.
I turn away from him and face the window, knowing that any response right now will come out wrong. Which is precisely why I need space. I’m self-aware enough to realize that I’m spiraling. Blame it on mommy and daddy issues, the divorce, pregnancy hormones—any of those could be it. Quite honestly, it’s probably all of those things mixed together with my imperfect personality. But either way, I know I need to get out of this car.
“Frank, can you just stop here? I can walk the rest of the way.”
Cash growls next to me. “Don’t you fucking dare stop this car until you get to her apartment.”
I squeeze the seat next to me and slam my lids closed to avoid the tears welling up. An hour ago, we were hugging his family goodbye by the warmth of the fire, and everything felt right. Slowly as we drove to Boston, I allowed my brain to run haywire on the last week, and now we’re cursing and radiating anger at one another.
What the hell have I done? It’s like the closer we got to the city, the more the anxiety set back in. Is it the city? Is it the circumstance? Is it work? I can’t wrap my head around any of it.
As if he can sense my breakdown, Cash unbuckles his seatbelt, slides across the leather, unbuckles me, and pulls me onto his lap. I don’t even react. “Angel, what are you doing? Why are you pulling away from me right now?”
I sigh against his chest, still not looking up. I’m curled up like a baby as he strokes my hair. “I just need a night on my own. Everything’sfinewith us.”
Cash doesn’t stop raking his fingers through my hair. It’s soothing in a way I can’t explain. “Okay, you can have your space. But remember, I created an entire room so you’d have your space.I understand you.You just need to ask for what you want, and I’ll give you whatever that is, because, Grace, I don’t want things to befinewith us. There’s no settling. I want things to be extraordinary.”
I close my eyes, giving myself a moment to breathe through what is clearly a panic attack.
After a few moments of breathing, I reply softly, “I could actually maybe use a bath.”
Cash chuckles, and I feel his joy shaking my body. “Okay, Gracie, let’s take you home, draw you a bath, and then I’ll set up your room for you, okay?”
I nod. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you.”
Cash shakes his head. “Baby, you have given me every dream I’ve had since I met you. You tell me what I can do to keep you happy, and I’ll make it happen.”
I look up at him, and my eyes dance between his lips and his eyes. “I love you.”
Cash moves down and kisses me softly. “I love you too.”
From the front of the car Frank clears his throat. “So, am I going to the penthouse or what?”
Cash and I laugh against each other’s lips. “Take us home,” I reply, and Cash’s wide grin makes my heart split in two.
