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“Not exactly. I don’t think I have feelings for him. But that’s mostly because I don’t let myself go there. Iwon’t. He’s my best friend. I’m not sure I…”
“What?”
“Would ever want there to be more. I like that he’s my person, that I can depend on him no matter what. It doesn’t always make sense, but it’s not complicated either. Falling in love complicates things.”
Mom laughs. “You act like falling in love is a choice.”
“Okay, I know it isn’t. But allowing yourself to be open to that is. And right now, all of those doors are closed.”
“And you wonder if that’s a mistake?” Mom asks, trying to understand what I’m getting at with all this. Even though I don’t know, either.
“I guess I’m wondering if you see it, too. If I should consider it. If I’m… hurting myself or other people by not.”
Mom smiles softly. “I’ve always seen something special between the two of you. You connect in a deeper way with him than you do with anyone else, even Sarah. And I know how close you and Sarah are. I understand that kind of connection, because that’s what I have with your dad. Does that mean that you and Aaron are destined for romantic love… I don’t know. What I do know is that if you both opened your hearts to that, something beautifulcouldhappen. As for whether you’re hurting other people… are you being inappropriate with Aaron?”
I swallow hard.
You two have never been just friends.
I think of how I sat on his lap in Joel’s basement. How if Davey or Marisol had seen us, they’d probably have dumped us on the spot.
“We had one moment… we were closer than we probably should have been. But that’s it. And we’ve both made it a point to be less affectionate with each other. We’re both prioritizing our relationships.”
“And how does that feel?”
I sigh. “Complicated.”
“Things aren’t good with Davey?”
“Sometimes they are. It changed a couple of months ago.”
Mom clears her throat. “When you started having sex?”
My eyes widen. I hadn’t told her that yet. I wasn’t hiding it. But it wasn’t a topic I loved, seeing as the sex part hasn’t been all that great. “Yeah. I lost my virginity to him. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”
“It’s okay. Was he good to you?”
“He was so good. So sweet and kind and thoughtful.”
“I’m sensing a but.”
“I don’t know. We always had fun together. Kissing him felt amazing. Lots of sparks, for sure. And I felt ready. We’d done some other things and enjoyed ourselves. Maybe my expectations were too high, but it wasn’t good. I didn’tfeelanything. And I know I’m not madly in love with him or anything, but most people say it heightens the connection between two people. For us, it feels like it destroyed it.”
Mom nods thoughtfully. “What do you want out of your relationship with Davey?”
“I’m not sure. It’s high school. He’s my boyfriend. We have fun. I’m not sure I’m interested in the epic love story right now. I always thought I would be, but now it seems easier to… do this.”
“Oh, honey. That doesn’t sound like a great way to go through life. Doing what’s easy because it’s safer than risking your heart.”
There it is.
“You might be right about that. I think I’m focused on how much fun we used to have. I thought I would fall in love with him. But then there’s the sexual weirdness and his jealousy of Aaron—”
“What’s that all about?”
“He found out Aaron calls meBeautifuland about all of our friendly kisses in the past.”
Mom stifles a laugh. I think Aaron and I might be the only ones to refer to them as friendly kisses. But they didn’t feel like we were more than friends, so… what the hell do I know?
