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“You and Davey?” he asks.
I nod. “I’m sorry. I was totally listening to you guys talk.”
He chuckles, but then waves his hand. “It’s fine. I would’ve told you the same thing and… more. Probably.” He takes me in. “So, how… was it?”
I sit down next to him. “It was okay. You? I want to hear, well, what you’d tellme, not them.”
He smiles softly. “I think I realized after the fact that I wanted to be in love. Really in love. I wasn’t sure that mattered to me. Whether I related it to having sex or just in general, I wasn’t sure it mattered. But now I think it does. I think I want to be in love. Real love.”
“And you aren’t with Marisol?”
He shakes his head. “At least not yet. I guess it could change. I’m not gonna, like, dump her, but I’ve got to figure out what I want and how I feel. What about you?”
“It’s maybe the same. I guess I dreamed of something deeper and stronger and with that would come a great first time.”
“Hah.Come.”
I shake my head and slug him in the shoulder.
He pulls me onto his lap. I’m straddling him, knees bent at my sides, our faces almost touching. Heat fills my body. And then I feel pressure coming from underneath me.
I think.
No.
It can’t be.
I’m imagining it.
He can’t behardright now. Can he?
I’m trying to slow my breathing. Trying to prevent the pink that’s flushing all over my body from making its way to my cheeks.
Why does it feel like this? Why does this make me feel more than having sex with Davey did? The connection between us. The crack of electricity I feel when his skin touches mine. Is there something here? Has there always been?
“So, it wasn’t amazing?” he asks, drawing my attention back to our conversation.
Good. Focus on this. Talking. Not straddling him.
I shake my head. “I guess it wasn’t what I thought it would be. Maybe I over romanticized it.”
“You? Never,” he says with a playful grin. But then he shakes his head. “You should want that. Youdeservethat.”
“Aaron…” I swallow hard and then get up the courage to ask, “What Joel asked you… did you ever think it would be… us? Honestly.”
He runs his hands down my back. I try not to gulp audibly. I don’t want him to know how much this is affecting me. I wish I didn’t know how much this is affecting me. I wish it wasn’t affecting me at all.
“I don’t know how to explain it exactly. There was a time when I thought you would be my first everything. First kiss…”
“Which we were. The little kid one and the real one.”
“Yes.” He smiles mischievously. “I thought you’d be my first love, my first time—not that I was thinking of that when we were kids—my first… everything.”
“I guess once upon a time I thought that, too. What do you think changed that?”
“I don’t know. We fell into the groove of being best friends. I don’t think there was any conscious choice. It just happened that way.”
“And now here we are,” I say, looking into his eyes, trying to figure out how I feel aboutallof this.
