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I’m ready for this day from hell to end.
It started when Marnix found Cohutta and I together, then Zayan had to fucking derail me. My world felt like it was ending in that moment.
Now that I’ve spilled my deepest secrets to Rush, I hope it was the right choice. I’ve never told anyone—not even Lya—because I’ve been so scared to admit just how weak I was. How I let that man control my every move. How I let him beat me, drug me, and do whatever he wanted with me.
To me, that made me weak and embarrassed. I have to admit though, telling Rush what I’ve been through felt freeing.
When we got home, I came straight to my room, showering to avoid everyone, especially Marnix. I can’t deal with his stupid show of authority right now. Not today.
Not after seeing the monster who has plagued my memories for years. I got my life back after I almost lost it, and I won’t let anything like that happen again. I’m stronger, no longer the girl Zayan left for dead.
I can’t let him have any power over me. Not again. But I can’t get the feeling of his touch out of my head, or the way he tried to kiss me like he still owned me. It’s a lingering combination of sheer panic, agony, and pain.
He was trying to prove he’s still in control, even after all these years. To remind me that he hasn’t given up on making me his. Knowing him as I do, that means he could be a danger to anyone I care about, anyone I associate with.
If there’s anything I know about Zayan, it’s that he always has a plan. If he’s waited this long for me, that means he’s playing the long game. He’s willing to wait for the perfect moment to strike.
Today was nothing more than an attempt to scare me. To remind me of how persistent he really is. To show me that I never really stopped being his favorite girl. He knew the risks of approaching me and did it anyway—he’s confident he’ll have me again.
It feels like a boulder has been sitting in my stomach since I saw him. I’ve lived without him for years, happy that he seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth, but my dreams of that have just been shattered.
He’s back, and I’m the prey he has his sights set on.
I feel on edge. Like I constantly need to be looking over my shoulder, just waiting for him to come out of the shadows at any minute. It was bad enough seeing the flowers, but it’s another thing entirely to see him in the flesh.
To see the face that’s burned into my memories. It makes it real now. I can no longer pretend he doesn’t exist, that he’s far away and unable to touch me. He’s here, and he won’t be going anywhere.
I’m thankful Rush was there with me today, even though he’s going to be on Zayan’s radar. It makes me happy to know that Rush is on my side, but it also makes me nervous for his safety. Zayan is possessive and fucking psychotic, with a non-existent sense of morality, so there’s no telling what he’ll do to get to me. I know Rush can handle himself, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something happened to him because of me.
I was never planning on telling anyone what Zayan did to me, considering I thought he was out of my life for good, but that thought has officially been shattered. Rush could read my reactions like a book; there was no keeping it from him. And deep down, I didn’t want to.
Rush didn’t look at me with disgust, but I could tell he was getting angrier the longer I spoke. Steam was practically coming out of his ears, but he still just sat and listened to me. Oddly enough, it felt good getting it all off my chest. I never could’ve imagined how much of a relief it would feel to tell my story. To finally let someone know the misery I lived through. The misery that infects my thoughts and remains in the back of my mind at every waking moment.
I have no idea what came over me, but after spilling everything to Rush, I felt this desire to be close to him. It almost felt like I needed to cover up just how exposed I felt. My emotions were raw, and I felt like Rush actually saw me. That he was peering into my soul, seeing the real me—the soul of a broken girl who just wants to find peace.
When I was under Zayan’s control, I didn’t have a choice as to what I did with my body, so once he was gone, I made it my mission to express myself exactly how I wanted. To empower myself. To take back my life. To take back what was taken from me.
Since Zayan vanished, sex has been my coping mechanism.
I get to choose who I sleep with, what we do.
I get to be the one in control.
The only problem is, I tried to use it at the wrong moment today. I was hurting, and I tried to find relief with Rush the only way I knew how. The sting of his rejection hurt, but I can’t blame him. Rush is a protector—he’s respectful, and honestly just a good person. He’d never want to take advantage of me, especially after I just spilled my guts about being manipulated for years.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t still feel a weird pull to him. He makes me feel comfortable. Like no matter what’s thrown at me, he’ll be there to catch me if I fall. Like he’ll save me from anything, even if it’s myself. I could feel his need to step in and protect me, but he let me handle it for as long as I could. He let me be in control, but I knew he was there if I needed him.
Ice cold water cascades down my body, pulling me from my thoughts. I’ve been standing under the water turning into a prune for probably thirty minutes now, lost in the madness of my life. I shut off the water and step out, wrapping myself in a towel.
I need to go do something or punch something to get this pent-up energy out of my system. I know exactly who to call. Pulling out my phone, I dial the first person I can think of.
“Kill your husband already?” Zep’s deep voice booms through the speaker. Of course he wouldn’t say hello. He’s not much for small talk, always getting to the point as fast as possible.
I snort with laughter, understanding exactly why he’d think that. “Not yet, but that could change at the drop of a hat around here.” That’s the honest truth. One minute I’m convinced I’ll kill Marnix, and the next I want to rip his clothes off and hate fuck him until I see stars.
“So you don’t need me to hide a body?” He chuckles, something rare for him to do when it doesn’t involve Lya.
“Are you offering?”
