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You’re eventually forgotten. Erased as if you didn’t exist in the first place.
Sometimes your death is an agonizingly slow and tumultuous life sentence. One that you know is coming, but the exact moment can’t be pinpointed. Other times it can happen as suddenly as snapping your fingers. One that stops everything you knew before you had a chance to really begin.
And then there’s a death like mine will be.
I’m still breathing. Still conscious, still able to think, function, and move on my own. But I’m just a body, an empty shell of a human. Flesh with no soul. A painful death where I’ll wish for the darkness to consume me and finally take me from my misery. One I can only hope for that will never come. I’ll be alive but dead inside.
The longer I’m around Zayan, the closer I find myself to that death.
It’s slowly creeping over my soul, ready to suck out any life I still have left in me.
I can fight—and I will continue to fight for myself—but the more I do, the more he gets off on it. If I’m completely broken, I won’t give him what he wants most. To shatter and rebuild me over and over again. You can’t break what’s permanently shattered. I can’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he has the opportunity to rebuild me.
I won’t give in no matter how hard he tries. I have to be smart; I have to play this right. I can’t lose myself to him again.
After seven years, I was starting to feel safe again. I thought he was gone for good. That he’d forgotten about me. That I could finally live in peace.
I was so terribly wrong. I should have known the devil never forgets.
The lingering pressure of Zayan's fingers burns into me like a memory I can’t erase. It etches into my cracked soul, clawing away at my skin. It itches with the desire to be scrubbed clean of his touch. I’d do anything to make it go away. He left me on this bed, bound and naked, waiting as an offering for his sick mind to torture.
I thought he was going to rape me over and over again like he used to, but he stopped himself. He got so close to doing it and then just stopped. He restrained himself and then left me here alone, for who knows how long. My arms ache, my throat is raw from the screaming cries that escaped me when he left, and my entire body feels like it’s on fire.
It’s all part of the mind games he’s playing. He’s trying to fuck with my head as part of his sick madness, and I can’t let it get to me.
If it does, I may never escape.
I need to stay strong.
I am strong.
I am a fighter.
I am not a weak, naive girl anymore.
I keep repeating these words over and over again in my head, trying to believe everything I’m saying, but maybe I am still naive and weak. I trusted Marnix and look where that got me—alone, tied up, and waiting for the slaughter.
Marnix walking out on me shattered any hope I had of surviving another run-in with Zayan. He was supposed to understand, trust, and move forward with me, but he believed a monster's lies over his wife's truth.
Lies that were able to wrap themselves around my throat and hold me captive. Lies that will keep me prisoner until I can meet the only fate I’m begging for.
The fact that Marnix let me go just like that was a shock to my system. I was completely rigid, breaking apart inside from what was happening. I should have blurted out what Zayan did to me, screaming it at the top of my lungs for the world to know. I should have run to Rush and had him protect me. Oh, my sweet protector Rush, I wonder what he thinks. He obviously kept his word to not tell Marnix, but now I wish he hadn’t.
I should have done a lot of things, but I was stuck. I was pushed back into my agonizing past, the one where Zayan had me clutched so tight I couldn’t breathe.
I should’ve screamed. I should’ve begged more. But ‘should haves’ won’t get me anywhere now.
No one except me can help fight the chaos of Zayan now.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been here. It could be hours, could be days. The thing about being with Zayan is that time seems to go fast and slow simultaneously. It could feel like days when it’s only been minutes. It could feel like an hour when it’s been days. There are no windows, no signs of life, just the echoes of my screams when he closed the door behind him.
I’m confident I’m going to escape this monster one way or another. I will find a way out of here, but I don’t know what will be left of me when I do.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but when I do escape, it won’t be without pain.
He won’t stop until I’m a shadow of who I used to be. Until he ruins the strong woman I’ve made myself into over the last seven years.
I’ll fight tooth and nail, but there’s only so much fighting a person can do before the light goes out. Zayan is a soul sucker who will dim that light faster than anything else. He’s the spawn of Satan, ready to claim me.
