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“And I’ll never spend another day not showing you how much I love you.” He presses a kiss to my forehead before slowly spinning me around so my back is pressed against his chest. His erection pushes against my backside, but he doesn’t make any moves. My body stills for a second, but I push away the torturous thoughts trying to consume me. This is Cohutta. He won’t hurt me.
He carefully begins to massage my shoulders and neck, pulling a groan from me. “That feels so good.” My entire body has been so tight with tension that it feels magical to have the knots kneaded out even if Cohutta has to avoid many spots to not hurt my injuries.
He works my shoulders and neck, then plants a soft kiss to the side of my neck before reaching out to grab my shampoo. His touch isn’t intrusive or demanding like Zayan’s was. It’s patient, understanding, and full of emotion.
Cohutta massages my scalp and lathers my hair before grabbing the handle extender to rinse the soap out. He lathers my entire body with my body wash, taking time to clean every inch of me, but he doesn’t make it sexual. It’s warm and tender. The longer he takes care of me, the more I hear quiet sniffling behind me.
“Cohutta?”
“Yeah, baby?” he croaks, putting me on high alert.
Spinning around as fast as I can without falling over, I look up at my sweet man. His eyes are bloodshot, like he’s been trying to hold back every emotion coursing through him. “What’s wrong?”
My words seem to break the dam. Tears begin to mix with the water surrounding us. I can hear his heart breaking inside his chest, and it’s almost enough to make my legs go weak. He’s trying to gather his thoughts, but I can tell it’s hard for him. “Shh. It’s okay. Come here.” I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him into my body. It might hurt to have my arms like this, but if it takes away his pain, I’ll do anything.
“Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m supposed to be the one supporting you and not crying like I’m the one who got hurt. I’m being a fucking pansy,” he says shamefully.
I shake my head, my heart breaking in half with each second we stand here. “It hurt you to know what I was going through. It’s okay to feel the way you do.” I comfort him, letting him circle his arms around me.
“I thought I never got to say goodbye to you. I don’t ever want to say goodbye to you.” He hiccups. “I…I never got to say goodbye to my parents. I thought it was the same. I was scared I was living that nightmare again,” he says so quietly that I almost don’t hear him.
“Do…do you want to talk about it?” I kiss his chest right over his heart, giving him reassurance that I’m here for him.
He’s silent for so long I almost wonder if he heard me ask the question, but then his voice breaks through the tension. “I was spending the night at Nix’s house. His dad didn’t really like me or my dad, but Nix’s mom was always so nice. She never said ‘no’ any time we wanted to hang out. So it was one of the times I got to stay over and hang out with my best friend.” He swallows loudly before continuing. I start to rub little circles on his back to help calm him.
“My dad wasn’t home when I left for Nix’s, and my mom had just left to run errands. If they weren’t going to be gone long, they would leave me at home alone, but this time they knew Rose was coming to get me, so it was fine. My mom seemed distracted that day and my dad had been working a lot lately with the Snakes, so Rose agreed to come and pick me up. It felt like any other time I’d gone over.” The water is slowly turning cooler, but neither of us makes a move. He needs to get this out, and I’ll freeze in this water before I stop him.
“Nix’s dad came home at one point and looked at me like he usually did, with disgust. I spent the night, and everything was normal. We stayed up too late, ate too much junk, and watched scary movies. It was an amazing night. The next morning, Rose dropped me off at home, but nothing was the same. I…I walked into the house, and it was quiet. Way too quiet. My mom always had music playing when she was home. She’d sing along to it and dance around the house with my dad when they were home. It was always lively and full of love in that house My…my parents’ vehicles were out front, but no one was answering me. That’s when I saw…I sa—”
Everything inside of me is screaming that whatever he’s about to tell me is the worst day of his life. He’s breaking under my touch, something I’m familiar with. “You don’t have to relive it. Only if you want to.” I reach up as far as my aching ribs let me so I can cradle his face in my palm. “It’s okay to be haunted by it. We all heal at our own pace.”
“I want you to know why I am the way I am. I want to share this with you. I’ll never keep anything from you.” His eyes are full of pain, but this is important for him to share. Maybe this is what he needs to help him overcome the pain that holds him down. “I went into my p-parent’s room and saw them both on the bed with…it was awful…there was blood everywhere. It was a violent murder scene and a mystery I still haven’t solved to this day. All I could do was scream. My feet wouldn’t even fucking move until something broke inside me. I finally moved over to check on both of them, feeling around for a pulse, for anything to tell me they were still alive, but it was hopeless. They had been gone long before I got there. They were… cold.” He exhales. “It’s why I don’t like to be alone, because, after that, I was alone. I had no family left. Just me, and I didn’t even get to say goodbye to them. I didn’t get to tell them that I loved them. That they were the best part of me. They made me who I am.”
“Cohutta…” Tears stream down my face. His pain is my pain. “Even if you don’t have any more biological family, you still have a family that loves you. You have me, Rush, Rose, Marnix, and all of the Snakes who loved your dad. You will never be alone again. You will always have us.”
“I know that now but seeing how easily you were ripped away reminded me of how quickly someone can vanish from your life. I went to my old house and got drunk off my ass the night I found out you were gone. It wasn’t my finest moment, but it was the only thing that would silence the noise in my head.”
My situation brought back all the trauma he lived through. “Is that how you’ve been coping? The alcohol?” I ask.
He grimaces. “It’s made it easier. Easier to sleep and forget.” I can see the fear of rejection in his eyes. He probably thinks now that I know all his dirty secrets and his poor choice of coping mechanism, I’ll leave him high and dry. But he knows mine… I have no right to judge his. I’d never judge his.
“It’s okay. I’m not mad at you. I get it. But now that I’m back, we’re going to grow and heal together. We can fight our demons together.” Hearing what he went through fucking breaks me. He was so young when he lost the only family he had, and then having to witness it, fuck. That would traumatize anyone. I don’t know how I would cope with that, but I sure as hell know it wouldn’t be good anyway.
“I don’t deserve you. You’re too good for me.” He slowly unwraps from me, trying to step back.
“Yes, you do. I wouldn’t be healing if I didn’t have you. I wouldn’t be able to move forward every single day without you, so don’t ever think you don’t deserve to stand by my side.” The protective force in my voice gets his attention. He nods thoughtfully, looking at me with a mix of sadness and love.
“Come on, wild girl, let’s get you out of here. It’s getting too cold for you.” He’s deflecting, and I can tell it was a lot for him to open up to me, so I don’t push. He needs time. I know he’ll share more when he’s ready.
These three guys are all wildly different with their own traumas that I’m slowly unraveling, but together we can conquer it all. Even Marnix and I have the chance to get past things, even if that will take longer. We make mistakes, we do things we regret, and we cope in the best way we know how. I can recognize and appreciate that it just takes time to heal, but it gets easier with a solid support system.
I’m going to come out stronger than I’ve ever been before. I’m a fighter, and I won’t give up when I’ve got another chance to live because just like Cohutta explained, your next day isn’t guaranteed.
Gently drying Tara’s bruised body, I think of everything she had to endure while with Zayan. All the hits, taunting, rape, and abuse she survived. I’m not sure I could’ve made it through that myself. She’s fucking indestructible. A powerhouse that refuses to be knocked down without a fight.
Opening up to her about what happened to my parents was challenging, but also relieving. Now she knows all the hell I went through growing up. She realizes why I hate being alone, why I always make sure to tell people goodbye. Most of all she knows how I cope with it all. And she didn’t run. Didn’t judge.
She made a promise that she’d be by my side and help each other heal.
