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CHAPTER25
The first ten minutes of our walk were spent in silence; neither of us seemed to know where to begin, so we watched Rex's antics as he was let off his leash.
My family owned a shit load of property, and since the back butted against private forestry, there was no worry of the fucking vultures seeing us. Mom was convinced we'd seen the last of them in these parts, but I knew better; I'm sure some enterprising soul would try to find a way in.
I wondered whether or not I should tell her about meeting with James and what was found, but that didn't seem like a good place to start.
Two weeks ago, she was the love of my life, and now I didn't even know how the fuck to talk to her. Should I lead with anger? Did I lash out in the rage that had been my constant companion for so long now? Or do I show compassion for the girl I had met and fallen in love with?
But was she the same girl?
"Are you ever going to forgive me?"
Alrighty, then at least she had the guts to start it off; it looks like my balls were still in hiding.
"Don't ask me that right now." She bit her lip and nodded her head weakly. I could see she wasn't too far from crying, but tears wouldn't get in my way this time.
"What you did was fucked up; you took something from me that I don't think can ever be replaced. There's more to this than you believing a pack of lies. You didn't trust me; we were supposed to be a team, remember? We were going to be different, not like all the rest with their affairs and scandals, lives played out in the fucking rags. All that's gone now. We 'are' just like everyone else, and that's something I never wanted to be.
Acting's just my job; it's not my life. That whole scene was never me, we went out of our way not to live our lives in front of the world, and you exposed us in the worst fucking way possible."
She shuddered at my raised voice, steps faltering. I had thought I wanted this, to have it out with her, but now faced with the situation, I couldn't get past the anger. It didn't matter what the investigation unearthed. The other players in this farce were nonentities. This was between her and I and what her actions did to us, what it took from us.
There was so much at play here, things I had hardly allowed myself to think about at the beginning of this shit storm, the worst of it being that from now on, my life would be under a microscope unless I moved to Tibet and became a fucking monk. If I wanted to salvage my life, this part of it, I was gonna have to make a huge sacrifice, the woman who owned my heart or my pride. Fuck it all. I can learn to ohm.
* * *
I couldn't breathe;walking next to Gage felt surreal. I still didn't have my bearings as yet. First, waking up in his family's home, not having any recollection of getting there, seeing my Rex, and then his wonderful face was there, that face that has been haunting my dreams. I wanted to cry out in joy until I saw his eyes.
My Gage wasn't there; before me stood a stranger, a stranger with an unknown expression in his eyes for me. I'd never seen anything but love there before, except that one time, a night I wish I could erase from memory, the night he told me not to come home.
I felt renewed pain at the memory, and the hated tears were back; it seemed all I did anymore was cry. I had been riding on a high only two mere weeks ago; the world was my oyster, I had the fame and fortune most people would give their eye teeth for, there was so much to look forward to, and now there was nothing.
I lay in the bed in tears after he’d left me, my father and brothers were here, but I had no idea what was said; I didn't want to talk to anyone, only Gage, always Gage.
Linda came by, saying nothing. She’d kissed my brow. That was Linda, never one to interfere unless invited. That simple gesture went a long way to easing the hurt in my heart. When I heard others approach, I feigned sleep; I didn't want to see anyone.
I’d drifted in and out of sleep until some sound awakened me. It was Rex and Gage. He looked at me with those eyes again, not saying anything for the longest time and then.
"Let's take a walk."
I felt equal parts trepidation and elation; any time spent with him was to be treasured, but what if he said the one thing that was sure to break me? We walked next to each other like strangers, and I died a little more inside. Not even the comical antics of Rex frolicking in the grass could ease me. I was losing hope fast.
I asked him if he'd ever forgive, and his answer, though not as bad as it could have been, was still devastating. He laid bare all my sins against him, all that I had cost us. Hearing him speak the words made me wonder, not for the first time, what had I been thinking? Who was that girl that had been so easily led? She wasn't the self-assured butterfly that had blossomed under Gages' unwavering love. No, she was the wilting wallflower she'd always been.
It was then I realized without him, I 'Was' that girl; he gave me strength, the strength to be who I was when we were together, the strength to be a part of us, the two of us together. As he spoke with such uncertainty about our future, I had an epiphany. I wouldn't lie down and die as though this wound was unto death; I would suture this wound until it healed like new, maybe with a tiny scar, but heal it I will; I just had to figure out how.
Time washes clean love's wounds unseen; isn’t it funny that that was a line from one of my favorite songs by Linda Ronstadt?
