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SEVEN
‘FEEL NOTHING’ THE PLOT IN YOU
Luce
When I was a shithead kid, Maxine used to make me breakfast when Ma was working a double shift at a diner and watch TV with me at night when our mother was working a second job at a hotel. When Ma got sick, my sister was the one who stepped up for me, of course by then I was already old enough to start making my own path and money, but she was still there as though the world was on her shoulders. I wanted to take care of her, be the one who stepped up and let her finally live the life she wanted, the life she deserved. But Maxine was always an old soul, more than willing to take on the world for her family.
She was my sister, but she was also my second mother, my best friend.
When Gio came along, she loved him like he was part of the family the whole time. She used to call us thedouble trouble boys, laughing at our craziness while cleaning up our mess with the cops. She was a fucking angel, and this demon pulled off her wings.
“It’s just you and me, G.” I tell my best friend, who nods his agreement, his dark eyes looking at me through the rearview mirror. “We’re going to get Lexi back then spend many nights making that motherfucker pay a debt.”
My words are monotoned to even my own ears, but I’d rather feel nothing than to feel another moment of the pain I felt when we found Max. I welcome the numbness, the nothingness of loss. I know I’ll never be the same, life is no longer the same without my big sister. Even as her body lies across the back seat, her head in my lap, I can feel how empty the world is without her.
When I was a child, I’d sit and stare at the flames of a lighter, wondering what it would be like to live with them in my veins…now I know. All I have now is this raging fire within me, a need to engulf and destroy every living thing, burn the world and all its pieces of joy to ashes. I want to pour gasoline over every inch of anyone’s happiness just so they feel the emptiness I feel right now.
Don’t you ever tame your flames, Luce, my sister once said to me,let them be your light when the world is dark.
I didn’t understand what she meant at the time. I was too young to fully understand her, but as I sit here holding onto her corpse, begging a higher power to let me give her some of my soul and bring her back, I finally get it.
I lean forward and kiss her forehead, burning the spiritless feel of her skin into my memory.
My darkness is burning bright, sis,I tell her, knowing that even in death my sister will hear me,you’re my flames now, and we’ll burn his whole world to ashes.
I hate that Gio came from that man. I hate with every fucking fiber of my being that my best friend, who would willingly lay his own life down for me, has a piece of shit father who took immense joy in his son’s pain. Even now, I can feel the self-loathing thoughts rolling through his head, but I just don’t have the words to soothe him. How can I when I don’t even have the words or energy to soothe my damn self?
Fuck, if Lexi were here, she’d know exactly what to do. She’s sweet, loving, and incredibly wise. She’s the opposite of everything I am.My sweetness.
She took my heart without trying to, caught my soul by the balls with her innocence and loyalty, but what really pulled me to my knees was the strength she had. She’s powerful, a queen with a tarnished crown, yet she has no fucking clue she is. Lexi is the epitome of selflessness. Like Gio, she altered me, she made me want more just by witnessing her perseverance to not only survive, but tolive.
I think the sexiest thing about a woman is her will to rise above the flames life tends to engulf us in, and Lexi is the sexiest woman of them all. Her will to move forward, no matter how much the past tries to drag her back, made me want to be someone worthy of standing in her presence.
Do I love her? I’m not sure yet, but I know I want to find out.
There were many nights, before I met Gio, living under the same roof with a father who hated us so much that I’d sit alone in my room with a knife to my throat as I cried; I could only see the end of my pain at the tip of a blade. I didn’t want to die, I also didn’t want to survive with my emotions trapped inside, but I did. I pushed past it, hid my ugly with a smile, covered my dark with the flames of a lighter, even my sister did her best to fill the void in my soul with her love.
But there was nothing anyone could do for me, not even my loving angelic sister, so I lied. I gave her woven tales to soothe her fears, but she saw through it. Now she’s gone. She’s no longer here to call me out on my bullshit…I’ll never be able to see her smile, hear her laugh, bug the shit out of her for the hell of it. Alan took all that away from me. I don’t even know how I’m going to tell my sick mother her baby girl is gone.
I run my hand through my hair and push my thoughts to less painful places, doing everything I can to stay numb to Maxine’s absence.
When Gio came along, our friendship was instant. His pain matched my own, his dark hid within mine like two companions walking hand-in-hand as they meld us together…until Lexi entered my life.
What she saw as her own taint was a light to my soul. With each smile and gazing stare, she shed a little more of my pain away. Watching her grow, heal and find herself pushed away my chains which held me in the past. Before her, I dove head-first into everything, drugs, alcohol, sex, cars, crime…before Lexi waltzed into my life, I was a slave, craving a taste of freedom but only finding a fake escape. She unknowingly and certainly unintentionally began to show me the road to true living.
She was meant for Gio, but from the moment our eyes connected in California, I knew she was meant to be mine as well.
Her voice chased away the one in my head that always creeped up on me, keeping me from becoming the man I wanted to be. Just when I grew the balls to tell her how I felt, howshemade me feel…she was snatched right out of my life, turning everything I hoped for into ashes and wishful dreams.
Well, I’ll be fucking damned if Lexi slips through my grasp. Alan, that fucking cunt, better say a few Hail Mary’s and give his last confession because the Devil’s Hooligans are coming for the motherfucker, and we’re bringing hell with us.
—
After Drake called with an update on the clean-up at the bodega, we were able to get the exact room Alan booked in the hotel. Gio and I quickly came up with a plan and made our way to Marionette. We found the laundry room where the hotel staff cleaned not only the guest’s clothes but also their own uniforms.
Once we’re on the floor of Alan’s suite, Gio will pull a fire alarm while I pose as one of the staff members. I will begin knocking on doors and asking guests to make their way out of the building, including Alan’s room. I have the key to get in, but considering what we’re really here for, we don’t want the prick to get spooked and kill Lexi…or himself. That'll be for our pleasure, not his.
Pulling the alarm is a risk since it will bring police to the area, but we need the chaos to hide within. It’s a risk we need to take.
