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TWELVE
‘FAR AWAY’ YEBBA, A$AP ROCKY
Lexi
Hands grip my throat, dark murky brown eyes stare back at me as black dots dance in my vision. Death calls my name like a sweet serenade, whispering words of promised reprieve like the witch whispered to Hansel and Gretel.
“NO!” I scream, but my voice barely makes it past my crushed windpipe, “LET ME GO!”
“Give up, doll, you belong to me.” Alan’s words speak into my ear as he ruts into me, his hands unrelenting against my throat.
I whimper, my heart screaming for Gio and Luce, begging the wind to carry my voice to them.
“Lexi, baby, open your eyes.”
“Wake up, sweetness, c’mon.”
Gio and Luce’s voices penetrate my nightmare as their hands slowly caress me until the cold grip of unconsciousness finally lets me go.
My breathing is harsh, even to my own ears, as I run my hands through my hair. The blankets are rumpled around me as though I thrashed all through the night. The thick curtains are drawn so I can't see outside, but by the buttery glow at the edges of the windows, I can tell it’s late afternoon. I slept all day.
I don’t look up at them yet, too fearful they’ll see the nightmare in my eyes as I try to catch my breath. I should have known that they don’t need to see my face to know exactly what I dreamt.
“If I could rip through your soul and remove those fucking moments from your life, I would.” Luce whispers angrily yet still tenderly, brushing my hair behind my ear as Gio wipes my tears away.
“It was only a dream,” I tell them both, doing my best to wipe the worry from their minds, “besides, just as it was while I was there, it was you two who got me through it.”
My words were meant to soothe, but it’s as though I said the completely wrong thing, especially for Luce.
He stands abruptly, a long string of Italian curse words ripping past his lips as he roughly shoves his hands through his hair, making the muscles on his bare back flex with the movement.
I’ve never seen him shirtless before. Normally he wears jeans and t-shirts with the sleeves cut off - looking more like a greaser than a mafia man - but seeing him in nothing more than low riding joggers has just become my favorite sight…tied only with Gio’s naked body.
Omigod, read the room, Lexi,I berate myself before crawling to the edge of the bed and snagging Luce’s hand. He pauses in his pacing, his eyes snapping to mine, and I have to swallow past the slight trepidation I feel when I see the unfiltered venom in his green orbs.
Even Gio sees it, speaking his name in a low warning, “Luce…”
I hold my hand up, stopping him from saying anything else. Luce has gone through so much in such a short time, and though I know coddling is not something he appreciates, I do know that he needs understanding from us, not reprimands.
“I’m sorry if my words triggered you, Luce. I was only trying to make light of the situation to show that I’m okay.”
Again, it’s as though I said the wrong thing. He quickly cups my jaw - not painfully - before pulling me closer until I’m standing on my knees. I continue to hold up my hand to Gio, who jumps from the bed with his hand on Luce’s bicep and a rumble in his chest.
“Forgive me, Luce.” I tell him softly.
“You have no idea how many times I wished I were there with you, Lexi,” He leans toward me, his eyes still wild and far away, “but I wasn’t, was I? You were all alone in your suffering, just like Maxine.”
He hisses her name like it physically hurts him, and if the stabbing pain I feel through my heart at the mention of her is anything to go on, then I know what he feels is more than I can even imagine.
I lift up my hand and cup his face while reaching over his shoulder with my other to cup Gio’s, my eyes bouncing between them, doing my best to convey my sincerity.
“You were though,” their eyes bore into mine, begging me for relief from their regret, “I begged for death, pleaded with the reaper to come and take me away, but it was your voices who spoke back to me. When things got to be so bad, it was your faces I saw when I closed my eyes against reality. It was visions of you both that welcomed me into the safest places of my mind.”
Luce shakes his head, his eyes not seeing and his ears not hearing. I can’t stop the spiraling, his mind a million miles away, and I’m at a complete loss of what to do to save him.
“I should have been there.” He mumbles, stepping out of mine and Gio’s touch.
“Ishouldhave. Should’a, could’a, would’a. What a fucking joke I am.”
