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FIFTEEN
‘SILVERADO’ BONES, \/GHOUL
Lexi
My throat tightens when the phone rings once again as I’m cooking dinner. It’s been ringing all day and every day for the past week and a half since Maxine’s funeral. Gio and Luce have thrown themselves into finding Alan, their revenge only growing stronger with each passing day. Especially with Luce’s deepening anger and depression.
Some days he’s better, but that in no way means he feels anything but heartache, it only means that for one day, his meals aren’t a variety of pills and alcohol. But that’s only because my begging finally worked. Today is one of those days, but they never last.
He’s learned not to let me see any pills or liquor though because I flush them every fucking time. He doesn’t actually live here, not officially at least. He has his own apartment on another floor in our building, but since losing his sister, he hasn’t been able to stay alone. Not that I want him to anyway.
We haven’t had another moment like we did the other night and, in a way, I’m relieved. It’s not that I don’t want something more with Luce, to share my heart with him, but there’s many reasons why I’ve not really allowed anything to bloom.
One of the reasons is because my mind is still not quite healed. I put on a good front, but some days…I feel like I’m rotting. The things I went through when Alan kidnapped me has left me questioning a lot about myself. Mainly, I ask myself if I should even be in a relationship with Gio. Yes, I’ve suffered similarly during my seven-year marriage to that bastard, Alan, but as big of a sick son of a bitch he is, he never once passed me around against my will.
This time he did, and it makes me feel dirty and entirely broken. Tainted doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. Every day I shower about three times, scrubbing my skin until it’s raw just so I don’t feel the phantom touches and bodily fluids of the men Alan invited between my legs. I have to constantly speak affirmations to myself, reminding myself that I am not rotten, and I am worthy of self-love and being loved by Gio. This new stage with Luce sort of feels like something similar to Stockholm syndrome or some shit, only I’m not falling for my captor, I’m falling for multiple men. I know it’s not the same; I had no say in who I was given to, and above all else, Gio and Luce are inno waycompared to Alan and his gangbang buddies. Still, I can’t help but feel a spike of doubt and self-loathing when I find myself wanting both GioandLuce.
Am I wrong? Is something wrong with me? I must be the dirty whore Alan accused me of being if I want two men after surviving what he put me through.
My heart says no to all of those thoughts.
I know I’m a strong woman and shaming myself or feeling shame for my thoughts and desires isn’t doing me any favors. I’ll leave that for the closed-minded people who love to shame women for loving in a way that they’re too simple to understand. My body is my temple, and my heart is my crown. I may be a pretty fucking dark now, chipped and scarred, but I’m a queen, and I will love who and how I want…and I choose Gio. Luce and I still have to build something, to learn from each other and be sure that whatever it is we’re feeling isn’t standing on a foundation of lust and nothing more.
Luce is still wounded, and I’m not just talking about his broken arm. He’s heavily depressed and looking for anything to numb him or make him feel something other than the gaping hole in his heart; my fear is that he may be using me and this thing between us as a tool to bury his true emotions.
Still, no matter what happens between us, he’ll always have me.
I’ve been taking care of him, spending all my nights sitting up awake until he falls asleep. I know my coddling is annoying to him, but he’s not the only one fearful of losing another person in our makeshift family. Every day, I think of what I’d do if I lost Gio or had to bury Luce. It’s painful, and while I do stay awake at night to make sure both of them are safely sleeping, I have to admit that it’s mostly my fear of closing my eyes that keeps me awake.
Nightmares come to me every night, and not all of them are flashbacks of what I went through when Alan took me. Hell, I’d rather spend the rest of my days taking the shit he put me through than to ever have one of my nightmares about the guys come true.
“What the fuck do you mean, Pink?”
Gio’s suddenly loud and angry voice has me jumping, causing me to slice through my finger.
“Shit!” I hiss, the knife clattering to the cutting board as I rush to the sink, letting the cold-water flow over the cut.
“Fuck, sweetness.” Luce says when he sees the water running red.
He opens one of the cabinets to grab the bottle of peroxide before turning me to face him. Gio is still barking into the phone, completely oblivious to my accident, which is good because the man seems to be on the verge of losing his shit. A superficial cut doesn’t need a place on his already full plate.
Luce and I both cast glances at him as he softly dabs my finger with a paper towel soaked in disinfectant. Gio’s eyes are on the laptop, his fingers clicking away, and my mind randomly wanders to how arduous the learning process must've been if he’s considered one of the best hackers in the city. It’s funny considering the man hates reading. Don’t you have to read codes in order to hack?
Who would rather read a bunch of jumbled letters and numbers over filthy smut or badass heroines who slay the men around them with the powerful click of their heels and sway of their hips?
Not me, that’s for sure.
“I’ve never seen someone grin while having their wound doused in stinging fluid.” Luce says as he pulls open a band aid.
I chuckle and shake my head, “Just thinking about how clumsy I am.”
It’s not a complete lie, I am pretty clumsy, but I’d rather not get into details about my real thoughts. Gio curses in Italian again, my brow cocking as I look up at Luce.
“What’s happening with Pink?”
He shrugs, “I know I’m pretty fucking amazing, sweetness, but mind reading isn’t in my bag of talents.”
I roll my eyes, “Smartass.”
